Guilt. (By: Jess)

Ever since I became a real-life mom (to a human being), I have been struggling with a brand new emotion I am not used to dealing with.

Guilt.

It seems like I feel guilty all the time. Basically, whenever I am not with Leo or taking care of him or doing something that directly involves him, I'm feeling guilty.

I am totally aware of how crazy this sounds. But it's the honest truth.

Here are some examples of times I feel the most guilty....

• When my husband gets up with Leo at night. This would make the average person feel great and thankful that they have a husband who is willing to take his turn and help out when needed. Not me. When Toby gets up in the middle of the night to soothe Leo or rock him or re-position him in his crib, I lay in bed the entire time thinking about how guilty I feel for not getting up and doing it myself. I feel like a "bad mom" and feel lazy and selfish. Is it lazy and selfish of me to lay in bed and let Toby get up? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But, I feel like it is. Am I a "bad mom" if I lay in bed and let Toby tend to the baby? NO WAY JOSE! But, I feel like I am. OK....the secret is out..... I have issues.


• I feel guilty when I drop Leo off at the babysitters in the morning and leave to go to work. I feel like I am saying to his babysitter....."Here. Take him. You raise him while I go to my job and raise other people's kids for 8 hrs. Let me know if he says his first words or takes his first steps, cause I'm sure I will miss it." (Believe me....I am totally aware of how stupid this sounds. I'm just telling you how I feel.)


• I feel guilty when I am a few minutes late picking Leo up from the babysitters because I was chatting with co-workers after work. ACTUALLY......correction: I WOULD FEEL GUILTY if I was a few minutes late picking Leo up from the babysitters because I was chatting with co-workers after work. I have yet to do this....mainly because I would feel guilty if I did.


• I feel guilty when I drop Leo off at the gym daycare so I can get in a quick 60 minute workout. It makes me feel bad because I have not seen him all day long and when I finally get to hang out with him in the evening, after 3 hours or so, I'm ready for an hour of alone time already. Am I selfish or what????

Seriously.......... is this selfish? Guilt trip.

• I feel guilty when I take Leo to football games and I let my friends, Kerri and Josh, hold Leo for practically the entire game. I swear they want to.......... they tell me they do....... They ohhh and awwe over him and can't seem to get enough of him. They seem to enjoy him. But, I just can't get over the fact that they are just doing that to be nice and they are secretly thinking....."Gosh, is Jessica ever gonna come and get her kid??"


• I feel guilty when my in-laws come to visit or when my mom or sister come to visit and they stay home and babysit for Leo while Toby and I go out for dinner and drinks. I feel totally guilt-ridden because I am usually sooooooo flippin excited to hit the town, alone, with my husband! I am totally aware of the fact that this is what they WANT to to. Let's be honest.....they are not traveling 8+ hours to visit Toby and I. They are here to see and spend time with Leo. So why do I feel guilty when I allow them to babysit?? I. Have. No. Idea.


• I feel guilty when Leo gets sick or gets a stuffy nose. Yes, I have common sense, and know that it's called "the common cold" for a reason, but I can't get over the fact that maybe my house isn't clean enough or maybe I didn't dress him warm enough or he's sick because I didn't breastfeed or I don't disinfect his toys often enough or I take him too many places..... I'm guilty of being a bad mom! (Even though I'm smiling while I write this, I'm dead serious. This is honestly how I feel and think. I know how funny it sounds!)


• I feel guilty when Toby is spending quality time with Leo in the evenings giving him a bath and I am sitting on the couch sipping a glass of red wine, catching up on my mess of reality shows, and facebooking. Let me just mention that ONE TIME I gave Leo a bath before Toby got home from work and caught heck for it! Giving Leo a bath is something Toby looks forward to doing and actually gets angry with me if I don't let HIM do it. So, why do I feel guilty allowing Leo some Daddy time? You tell me!!!

I'm hoping that all this "feeling guilty" crap comes with motherhood and I'm assuming it's not going to get any better, but worse. Joy. This is defiantly something I was not prepared for. As soon as that Lil guy was born, I immediately started feeling guilty. The first wave of guilt hit me like a ton of bricks when the nurse in the hospital informed me that she changed Leo's wet and dirty diaper while I was asleep. Since then, the waves kept coming like the shores of the Outter Banks. Oh the agony.

On a positive note.....maybe the fact that I feel guilty if a good thing. Maybe it means that I am....dare I say it.....a Good Mom? I mean, if I didn't feel guilty, wouldn't that be weird?

Overall, I've come to somewhat of a conclusion. My conclusion is this......

I will never feel like I do enough as Leo's mom.

I will (probably) forever spend the rest of my life TRYING to be the best mommy to Leo Beck Rolfes and (probably) never achieve that goal.

No matter what I do, it will never be good enough, because he will always deserve better.

Ya know what..... as crazy as it may sound.... I think that's the best thing I can do for Leo. I can always strive to be better. Leo is pretty darn lucky to have a mom who tries as hard as I do, huh?

I guess feeling guilty does have it's perks..... even if it the most annoying emotion on the face of the planet.