What will I say to them..... about bullying?

The other day while I was reading the newspaper facebook, I stumbled upon a friends post that made me pay attention.

It was about bullying and how her daughter was being subjected to it and how she was reacting/responding to it.

I read through the whole post and all the comments.

My heart broke for the girl who was being bullied, for her mom (my friend), and for the people commenting who stated "I know how you feel", "We have dealt with the same issue", "My daughter has the same problem".

It got me thinking.... What will I tell Leo and Cece when this happens to them? What will I actually say? What approach will I take? How will I tackle this issue?

I started focusing my attention toward Cece mainly, if I'm being honest.

I don't know first hand how boys deal with bullying. But I do know first hand what it's like to experience it as a girl.

Of course I will talk to both my kids if when they come to me and want advise or support, but I'm mainly gonna focus on Cece for this specific issue for now.

Toby is also gonna have to start thinking about how he will react when the kids (especially Leo) come to him with the same issues. (Toby.... get thinking... it WILL happen. And when it does, we have to be prepared!! We can't go into this blind! We've got to have a plan! We've got to have a goal! )

WHAT WILL I SAY TO THEM ABOUT.....

BULLYING
Gosh.... this is gonna SUCK.

The day Cece comes to me, crying, saying that the kids at school are being mean to her or saying things to her that are not true or calling her names or not inviting her to the birthday party or not including her in conversations at the lunch table or spreading rumors about her...,.. my heart will break. I promise. Especially if she cries.. cause she will.... cause she is tenderhearted.

I'll first hug her.... hard. And kiss her cheek and tell her how much I love her. I'll say that "this too shall pass" and "it will get better". I will promise her this, because I know this.

Next, I will look at her... in her beautiful, sometimes blue, sometimes green eyes, and tell her that.....

I WANT NAMES!

I want specific names of the bastards that are talking smack and I will kick their asses. That's right... KICK. THEIR. ASSES.

Ok... maybe not. The above will  be what I will be thinking.  It will be what I will want to do, but know I can't.

That wouldn't be setting a good example, now would it?

I guess what I would start off wit, h is to ask her what exactly is going on. Get all the details. What did they say/do? Why do you think they are saying that? Where did this information come from?  When did you hear it/ when did it happen?

Next, I may ask her how is makes her feel. Really feel. Mad? Sad? Betrayed? Disappointed? Surprised? Small? Weak? Unimportant?

Another thing that I will be sure that I ask her.... in the nicest way possible.... is

"Do you think you have done ANYTHING (anything at all)  that would have slightly caused this to be done/said toward or about you?"

I am in NO WAY saying that whatever was said or done was earned, necessary, or deserved. And I will be sure to emphasize that when I ask her this question.

But I feel it is important to be aware of your own actions, your tone, your attitude, and your body language and how others may precieve them.

Is there a small chance that maybe you said something that could have been taken the wrong way?

Is there a small chance that maybe you did something that may have been offensive? Even if you did not intend it to be.

Usually, if you are working with a legit "bully", there will be no reason for any of the asshole-ish behavior. That's the beauty of bullies. They need no reason.

But sometimes...... something you may consider to be "bulling" could just be a reaction to something that you did or said that was miscommunicated or misinterpreted.

This part of the conversation will just remind her that she always needs to be aware of what she's putting out there for others to hear, see, and assume. Don't focus on what people think so much... just be aware of how it looks from an outsider.

My last and final approach will be my parental advise or my suggested solution...depending on the situation. I will comfort her, reassure her, build her up and tell her.....

"They are jealous".

 I'll talk to her about jealous people... why they are jealous and how being jealous can eat someone up inside and cause them to do mean and ugly things.... because THEY are unhappy. Because THEY are missing something in their life that they wish they had.

 I will tell her that feeling jealous is one of the worst feelings in the world and what she should do is pray for them.

Pray that God helps them achieve whatever it is that is making them jealous.

Ask God to spend a little extra time on them and help get rid of the green monster within them.

Look at them with  grace and smile at them..... smile because you feel sorry for them.

And remember that no matter what it is that they are saying to you or about you..... its not  really about you at all . Its all about them and their feelings about themselves.

I'll also may tell her to......

 "Kill them with Kindness".

This is advise my mom has given me for as long as I can remember.

 I've used it.

 It works.

I still use it today.

It still is working.

When people are being...... assholes.... just be as nice as you can to them. Not only will it confuse the hell outta them, but the hope is that it will make them feel like a complete dirtbag for being mean in the first place. Get it? 


Anyway... some people have a hard time doing this. Maybe its because they are too hard headed or too defensive or too strong willed. And not that there is anything wrong with that.  Some people may refer to this as "ass kissing". But if you are woman enough to take what is being said, swallow it, look past it, smile, and continue to be your sweet self that you know you are......that says a lot about you and your character.

"Ass kissing" is different. Usually "ass kissers" try too hard and are usually looking for something in return. They are usually pretending to be someone they are not.

"Killing assholes people with kindness" is basically telling them that you are not going to let their negativity, harshness, rudeness, and judgmental comments/statements affect you. You know who you are. You know what is true and not true. Let it go and don't hold it against them. They don't know any better anyway.  ("Bless their heart")

Continue being yourself. Continue to be kind, respectful, polite, and show grace.

 I'm not inferring that you be their BFF and invite them places and do things for them and share your lunch with them and start up conversations with them or even make an effort to be their friend.

But you can still be nice.

There is a quote that says, "Live in such a way that if someone talked bad about you, no one would believe it." I would tell her to try her best to make that statement true. Throw kindness everywhere you go and no one will have a reason to be a jerk to you.

If none of the above seem like good solutions to the specific problem she is upset about, I will tell her this:

"Try your best to rise above it."

Hold your head up high.

Learn from it.

Put your chin up, but don't believe it.

Stay true to yourself and who you are and defend yourself if necessary. Verbally and physically.

Speaking of self-defense..... Always defend yourself verbally. Always.,

 But, ONLY defend yourself physically if someone put their hands on you FIRST.

 NEVER, never, put your hands on someone. Ever.........  Unless they hurt your first.

That is THE ONLY time you will ever be "allowed" to put your hands on someone else in a negative way.

Don't ever be the first one to throw the first punch, push the first shove, smack the first face, pull the first strand of hair.




And that's it. The rest is up to her.

To summarize, this is my "plan" or my "script" for when this moment happens.

1. Love on her and console her.
2. Get all the facts/details.
3. Ask her how exactly she feels.
4. Ask her if there is a slight chance she may have contributed to this problem.
5. Give a solution.... They are just jealous or kill them with kindness or simply rise above it.
6. Defend yourself.... always verbally; sometimes physically.

I hope I am prepared for this day.

I probably wont be.

But I guess thinking about it in advance can't hurt.