The Struggle is REAL

Depression.

It exists.

Not for everyone.... lucky a$$holes.

I think everyone who experiences depression of some sort, experiences it differently than others.

I also think that depression runs in families.

I also think that TONS of people are in denial about having/experiencing depression.

Depression for me comes in waves. I never really experienced depression until I had kids. Post-pardum depression hit me like a mac truck. It hit me so hard I didn't even know what was happening.

 What happened? Well.... I just cried. and cried. and cried. Why? No clue. Probably because I had just brought a brand new human into my life and it was much more than a dog. I guess the responsibility and change overwhelmed me. I've said this before.... but the second Leo was born....everything changed.

I feel like when you know something is wrong, you need to acknowledge it and fix it.

That's exactly what I did.

I did not, for one second, try to hide the fact that I was feeling like this. I don't know why some people do. I didn't like feeling like that.... plain and simple,,,,,, so no way in hell was I going to continue to live like that. I told Toby to call my doctor and he did. WHy didn't I call the doctor myself? I honestly couldn't speak. Cause I was crying. Ridiculous and beyond my control. I got medicine and within a few days.... I honestly felt back to my old self.

Its amazing.

After that, things were seriously fine. We sdjusted to parenthood fine and life rolled on. Then we welcomed Cece and I was able to totally avoid postpardum this time around.

But, just because I was not on medicine and just because I hadn't experienced "those feelings" in a long time.... didn't mean I was "cured".

I don't think anyone can be cured of depression.

My depression came back in waves.

 I know when it hits me when:
1.  I get very tired. All I want to do it lay in bed and sleep., Yet..... I cant fall asleep. My body is tired, my eyes are tired, my mind is tired.... yet sleep is impossible to get.
2.   house starts to slowly fall apart or I get behind on laundry or housework.  The dishes pile up, nothing gets picked up, the beds do not get made.... these are all things that I normally keep up on. Sometimes when we just have a busy week and I honestly just don't have a chance to get things done, all of the above can actually lead to depression, not happen because of it. Thankfully I have a mother-in-law that helps me with this. God bless her soul.
3. being silent is soooooooooooo much easier than talking.
4.   I eat like psyco. Like digusting. Junk food that I don't even like.... I can't get enough of it. I once ate an entire pack of Oreos in 2 days and on entire gallon of Greek Frozen Yogurt in 2 days. Sick. Which then leads me to feeling guilty. And chubby. And weak. And crazy.

Being in a depression dosent mean that I hate everyone or am angry at the world. In fact, when I am in this certain state of mind I have no feelings at all. Someone could die and it would be impossible for me to squeeze out a tear. My emotions are abset and I'm just....... there........ feeling nothing.  It sucks.

When I'm depressed it dosent mean that I'm ungrateful or spoiled or am "pouting" because I didn't get something I wanted. Those things don't even cross my mind.

Something can push me into a depression..... a death, a change in routine or schedule, an unexpected event (positive or negative), an upcoming event (positive or negative), or absolutely nothing at all.

When I get depressed I become very lazy. I'm not depressed because I am lazy. And when I'm being lazy I'm totally aware of it. and I hate it.

I'm completely aware of the fact that depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain and I have no control when it hits me or not.

Medicine helps, but doesn't make it go away. When a wave of depression hits me or I feel lurking in the shadows like a creepy stalker, I usually just give in to it. I know it wont last long (cause I take medicine) and I use it as a chance for my body and brain to tell me to re-effing-lax. I use it as a couple days to "take a time out" from life to get back in gear. I handle it.

I know it's OK to have moments when my depression gets the best of me and I'm educated enough to know that it dosent mean I am a weak person, lazy, dramatic, or crazy in general. I am only those things for a few days or so. lol

 I have no problem admitting I take anti-depressants. In fact, I feel stronger admitting it.

A weak person would refuse medicine.

Some people are not educated about it and therefore are ignorant a$$holes who need to practice grace and acceptance.
Here's some bonus points for "being me"........ sometimes when I'm depressed, its not cause I'm sad or "blue".... sometimes I get overly excited or happy and it causes me to do things that are not normal.

I'll make soooooo many plans with people that there is no way I have time for them all and will end up cancelling almost everytime.

Sometimes I will be overly affectionate or treat people like they are my BFF, when in reality I barely know them.

Overall, the struggle IS real. Its MY struggle. I love the fact that I can deal with it and live my life in spite of it. I hate when people "put up with" depression. They ignore it or let it win. They give in and waste their lives being miserable.

If you are depressed or think you may be depressed...... get over yourself and go to your doctor. Fix it and stop wasting life.

Handle it. Get control of it.

You get ONE life,. Don't live it like a depressed sack of shit. (was that harsh?) That's what I tell myself anyway. And it works.

As Olivia Pope would say...... "It's handled".