Just Like Me.

Cece......is just like me......
Her sweet tooth
Her willingness to try any food item at least once. (and usually likes it)
Her excitement for "dinner time!"
Her constant smile
Her round face
Her love for gift giving
Her bossy-ness
How she loves to please people
Her terrible ability to lie
Sweet as pie, but can be mean as a snake
She's a Leo
Her obsession with make-up, perfume, finger "paint polish", high heels, and jewelry
Her love for sleep and ability to never fight it
How she hates to race.... or compete....
Her love of dance (ballet) and preforming
Her love for female singers who can really belt out a good tune
Her love for puppies and kitties
Her desire for acceptance
How easily she gets her feelings hurt
Her 'tude and how she pops her hip out to the side when she stands
When she grunts and sighs when shes annoyed
Her easy personality and how easy it is to please her
Her constant need to tell people she loves them
Her fear of people dying
When she knows she did something bad, but tries to pretend likes "its all good"
Her fear of spiders and bees
Her lack of balance
Her detest of the movie "Fox and the Hound" and "Dumbo"
Her desire to be included
Her long fingers
Her constant talking and chattering
Her enjoyment of looking at herself in a mirror
Her love of baby dolls
Her lack of interest in playing outside when its too hot or too cold
Her constant want for a snack

Leo..... is just like me......
His love for Christmas
His excitement for birthdays
His affection
Obsession for TV
His chubby cheeks
His love of God and uncertainty of Heaven
His love of the Hulk
His dred of school work
His abundance of sympathy
His love for gift giving
His ability to play with anyone
His uncanny ability to get whatever he wants
His lack of shyness
His questions about God
His humor.... at age 4 is already dry and sarcastic
His desire to be the center of attention
His need to want to make people laugh
His 2,000 facial expressions
Sweet as pie, but can be mean as a snake
His interest in gross, slimy, scary things
His cubby feet
His hair color
His excitement for hotels and slumber parties
How he is very understanding
His constant want for a snack
His love of milk
His ability to "not hear you" at certain times
His name is "Leo" and my horoscope is too
Love of surprises and rewards

It's Just Business. Or is it?

Disclaimer: I apologize in advance if anyone feels like I am targeting them specifically. I am not focusing on any one person in general.... more of a mix of people throughout the last few years.

For the past 3 years, I've owned my own business.

For anyone who has ever owned their own business, then they know what a giant leap of faith it is to fully make THAT kind of commitment.

For anyone who has never owned their own business, they have no idea how much of a giant of faith it is to make THAT kind of commitment.

It took me a while to decide to start "selling Premier".

I have worn Premier Designs Jewelry for years and have always (and still do!)  LOVED their jewelry.

In 2013, I was in a stage of my life where I needed an income.

Toby and I had just (suddenly) made a HUGE life change and moved our family of 4 to OH from SC. We had no house and no jobs, but we moved anyway. (it was one of the best decisions we have ever made... by the way.... and I don't regret it for a second!)

At that point in my life I was forced to substitute teach for the remainder of the 2013-2014 school year. As a 12 year veteran teacher, subbing was NOT something that I was excited to do.

AT ALL.

So, since my income drastically plummeted and my passion for my job was at an all-time low, I desperately needed something to keep me occupied (and financially stable) until the next school year.

Premier Designs it was.

 God sent me what I had been asking Him for. He sent me an answer.  Premier was my answer.

First off....  let me mention that I ADORE this company!

Premier Designs is founded on strong Christian values and morals and they are AMAZING to work with!

My goals of being financially stable and emotionally happy and satisfied with my "job" had been filled......... until I could get back into a classroom.

I've been involved with Premier for 3 years now and I have made well over $5,000 in EXTRA money and have been able to donate over $2,000 to various groups, charities', and families in need.

Complain I cannot.

 I have meet some amazing people who I never would have had the opportunity of meeting, if it were not for my involvement in Premier.

I have realized things about myself that I have learned to love.....

 I have so much more confidence in myself (physically and professionally), I can communicate with people better, I have become more organized and driven, I have been proud of myself so many times, I have learned to take more time in my appearance and I have a new passion for accessorizing!

 I have found complete joy and bliss in giving people things  and getting absolutely nothing in return.

 My relationship with God has strengthened and grown in ways I never would have imagined.

Premier Designs has done amazing things for me.... but sometimes I really regret taking that "giant leap of faith"...... and let me tell you why.

Sidenote:  I'm not a "quitter" or a "failure". I'm CONSIDERING not renewing with Premier after 3 years,  but not because I wasn't successful.

Don't get it twisted.

I was (am) very successful at creating my business. I made (am making)  money. I was (am)  good at it. When I put my mind to something, I do it and do it well. I started this business and I made it work.

In fact... I could have really taken my business farther than I ever imagined.... I had PLEN TY of opportunities to expand... but I choose not to. 

Just want to put that on the table.

The reason I am considering "hanging it up" concerning my jewelry business is because, even though this experience has taught me amazing things, overall, it has also taught me things that disturb me to my core.

Since starting this business, I have seen sides of people that I never knew existed. Sides of people who are very close to me......very close.  Not strangers..... serious, lifelong acquaintances.

Since starting this business, A LOT of my relationships with A LOT of people have REALLY changed.  Some of these people have no idea or are totally unaware that our relationship has changed... but it has. My eyes have really been opened to the harsh reality of where I stand with people and I've come to realize that I am not as important to certain people as I thought I was.

This is a heart breaking feeling.

If you've ever experienced this you know what I'm talking about.

There are people in my life who I honestly thought would "walk through fire" for me.

People who I thought would "have my back", "support me through thick and thin", "be there for me", and "do whatever they could to help". 

Come to find out, some people really won't.

I guess you could say that maybe I took myself too seriously. Maybe I thought too much of myself to think that certain people would  "do anything" for me.

 I guess now I know, huh?

Getting started in this business (in ANY business) is the hardest part.  Its also the most important part. You need help. You need support. You need to be built up and encouraged and you need your ego stroked.  (FYI..... NONE of these things involve spending ANY money!)

Since my career with Premier is as successful as it is, its safe to say that I had a great start!

 I had awesome support, guidance,  and encouragement! I had people who were my biggest cheerleaders and who helped boost my confidence when it was getting low! I had people reach out to me and ask  "what can I do to help?". I had people step out of their comfort zone... for me!

These people.......... Jean O., Jill O., Katie P, Jean R. , Laura R.,  Becky R., Ginger, Tabby, Ashley R., Cathy W., Leslie T., Becca S.........what they did for me concerning by business is just plain awesome.

 I don't know if they realize how much they helped me when I needed it or how much it meant to me that they said "yes" when I asked for their support.

To all of you listed above... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for doing what you did. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

Unfortunately there are some names  that I totally assumed would be there and were not.

"Do you think you can help me get a running start with my new business and invite a few girls over so I can practice giving an official show??" was a question I asked my closest friends and family in the beginning.

People who I (thought) I'd be comfortable speaking in front of and wanted to see me and this business succeed.

Some people bluntly and without hesitation said "no".

Some people said "yeah sure! whatever you need!"... then avoided me like the plague.

 

Some people ignored the sh*t outta me. (that one hurts the most)

Surprisingly, a handful of my biggest supporters were people who came outta nowhere.

One girl, who instantly agreed (without hesitation) to be one of my very first shows, was a previous student from 2002! I taught her when she was a little 7th grader and here she was.... coming out of no where, offering me her living room and a few of her friends to listen to my "jewelry speech".

That's all it took. A couple hours and a couple friends.

From her show alone, I was able to fill up my entire summer with shows..... one booking led to another, then other, than another.......  Funny isn't it?

She probably had no idea how much she meant to me during that time. And still does. Thank- you, Tabby! You're sweet girl! (and eventually Nikki and Kayla!)

Anyway.... I've never felt more ignored or unimportant in my life.  My feeling were seriously hurt from day 1.

Yes I was (am) successful.
Yes I met my personal goals.
Yes I love doing it and have fun at the same time.

 But is it really worth the pain and disappointment and hurt I feel in my gut toward people  who I thought honestly cared about me? Not so sure...

I just don't think I can be ignored by people anymore. Ignored specifically by people who I'd least expect to ignore me.

I don't want to feel annoying to people anymore. I feel like these people ignore me because they are annoyed by me. That doesn't feel good.

Am I going to miss the extra "fun money" that Premier provided me with? Am I going to really miss donating my profits to people and groups who need it more than me? Am I going to miss meeting really cool women? Am I going to miss the challenge that having my own business presents me? Am I going to miss the extra confidence boost I get from this business? Am I going to miss working with all the amazing, God-sent people, who I have been blessed to know through this business?

Most defiantly.

But, I want this feeling in my gut and in my heart to stop.

 I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt by people who are important to me.

I'm tired of the rejection.

 I'm tired of sending messages to 68 people and having not one single person respond. That hurts.

 I'm tired of sending out a mass text message to 35  PERSONAL contacts and having everyone but 3 people completely and totally ignore me.... like I never sent it

I'm tired of planning events and sending out invitations only to be waiting for someone, anyone, to show up.

If people are not interested in what I'm selling or not interested in attending an event or simply cannot attend due to prior commitments..... I'm fine with that. I understand that.  People are busy, people are broke, people just aren't into jewelry. I totally get it.

But, what I don't understand is brushing me off like I don't matter.

Ignoring my messages, invites, and letters.

Maybe it's just simple etiquette.... maybe people just aren't as polite as I thought they were.

Maybe.

The phrase "every man for himself" makes sense to me now.

Am I mad about it?

 No. "Mad" may not be the correct term to use...... I've learned a lot, that's for sure.

 I guess I'm thankful to know where I really stand with people.

I'm still unsure if I am re-newing with Premier or not.

 I have til April to decide.

But, I'm tired of these feelings that I've been feeling and if Dr. Phil were to ask me, "How's it workin for ya?" I'd have to respond with.... it's not.

I may be ending the "personal business" chapter of my life.

Not because the sales business is not my thing..... because I really am a good sales gal. I love sales and I love jewelry and I love socializing. I love this business and the company that runs it. I may be ending this chapter cause I can't get over certain things that happened early on in my "jewelry career". I cant get past the rejection that comes with this "job". Maybe I'm taking things way too personally..... I'm sure I am......... but it's the way I feel.

Maybe this was God's way of showing me peoples "true colors"?

Mission complete, God.  I see it now. It may have hurt and it may be sad.... but I know now. And I'm glad I do.

The Struggle is REAL

Depression.

It exists.

Not for everyone.... lucky a$$holes.

I think everyone who experiences depression of some sort, experiences it differently than others.

I also think that depression runs in families.

I also think that TONS of people are in denial about having/experiencing depression.

Depression for me comes in waves. I never really experienced depression until I had kids. Post-pardum depression hit me like a mac truck. It hit me so hard I didn't even know what was happening.

 What happened? Well.... I just cried. and cried. and cried. Why? No clue. Probably because I had just brought a brand new human into my life and it was much more than a dog. I guess the responsibility and change overwhelmed me. I've said this before.... but the second Leo was born....everything changed.

I feel like when you know something is wrong, you need to acknowledge it and fix it.

That's exactly what I did.

I did not, for one second, try to hide the fact that I was feeling like this. I don't know why some people do. I didn't like feeling like that.... plain and simple,,,,,, so no way in hell was I going to continue to live like that. I told Toby to call my doctor and he did. WHy didn't I call the doctor myself? I honestly couldn't speak. Cause I was crying. Ridiculous and beyond my control. I got medicine and within a few days.... I honestly felt back to my old self.

Its amazing.

After that, things were seriously fine. We sdjusted to parenthood fine and life rolled on. Then we welcomed Cece and I was able to totally avoid postpardum this time around.

But, just because I was not on medicine and just because I hadn't experienced "those feelings" in a long time.... didn't mean I was "cured".

I don't think anyone can be cured of depression.

My depression came back in waves.

 I know when it hits me when:
1.  I get very tired. All I want to do it lay in bed and sleep., Yet..... I cant fall asleep. My body is tired, my eyes are tired, my mind is tired.... yet sleep is impossible to get.
2.   house starts to slowly fall apart or I get behind on laundry or housework.  The dishes pile up, nothing gets picked up, the beds do not get made.... these are all things that I normally keep up on. Sometimes when we just have a busy week and I honestly just don't have a chance to get things done, all of the above can actually lead to depression, not happen because of it. Thankfully I have a mother-in-law that helps me with this. God bless her soul.
3. being silent is soooooooooooo much easier than talking.
4.   I eat like psyco. Like digusting. Junk food that I don't even like.... I can't get enough of it. I once ate an entire pack of Oreos in 2 days and on entire gallon of Greek Frozen Yogurt in 2 days. Sick. Which then leads me to feeling guilty. And chubby. And weak. And crazy.

Being in a depression dosent mean that I hate everyone or am angry at the world. In fact, when I am in this certain state of mind I have no feelings at all. Someone could die and it would be impossible for me to squeeze out a tear. My emotions are abset and I'm just....... there........ feeling nothing.  It sucks.

When I'm depressed it dosent mean that I'm ungrateful or spoiled or am "pouting" because I didn't get something I wanted. Those things don't even cross my mind.

Something can push me into a depression..... a death, a change in routine or schedule, an unexpected event (positive or negative), an upcoming event (positive or negative), or absolutely nothing at all.

When I get depressed I become very lazy. I'm not depressed because I am lazy. And when I'm being lazy I'm totally aware of it. and I hate it.

I'm completely aware of the fact that depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain and I have no control when it hits me or not.

Medicine helps, but doesn't make it go away. When a wave of depression hits me or I feel lurking in the shadows like a creepy stalker, I usually just give in to it. I know it wont last long (cause I take medicine) and I use it as a chance for my body and brain to tell me to re-effing-lax. I use it as a couple days to "take a time out" from life to get back in gear. I handle it.

I know it's OK to have moments when my depression gets the best of me and I'm educated enough to know that it dosent mean I am a weak person, lazy, dramatic, or crazy in general. I am only those things for a few days or so. lol

 I have no problem admitting I take anti-depressants. In fact, I feel stronger admitting it.

A weak person would refuse medicine.

Some people are not educated about it and therefore are ignorant a$$holes who need to practice grace and acceptance.
Here's some bonus points for "being me"........ sometimes when I'm depressed, its not cause I'm sad or "blue".... sometimes I get overly excited or happy and it causes me to do things that are not normal.

I'll make soooooo many plans with people that there is no way I have time for them all and will end up cancelling almost everytime.

Sometimes I will be overly affectionate or treat people like they are my BFF, when in reality I barely know them.

Overall, the struggle IS real. Its MY struggle. I love the fact that I can deal with it and live my life in spite of it. I hate when people "put up with" depression. They ignore it or let it win. They give in and waste their lives being miserable.

If you are depressed or think you may be depressed...... get over yourself and go to your doctor. Fix it and stop wasting life.

Handle it. Get control of it.

You get ONE life,. Don't live it like a depressed sack of shit. (was that harsh?) That's what I tell myself anyway. And it works.

As Olivia Pope would say...... "It's handled".