Lyrics. (By: Jess)

I love music. All kinds. I laugh at myself sometimes when I listen to my ipod, cause there is such a random mix of music, it's humorous.

I can go from listening to a foul-mouthed hip-hop song, to a twangy country song, to a tear-jerking Christian song, to a fun-lovin' 50's tune. Exhausting, sometimes.

One place where my love of music really has a chance to come through is in my classroom.

I have exactly 100 CD's in my classroom. (Thanks, Dad!) All my CD's are organized in a bad-a** CD holder. (Thanks, Dad!) Everyday, I choose a random student to pick a number 1-100. Whatever number they choose, is the number of CD I play.

The kids love it............ sometimes.

When they are forced to listen to The Best of Peter, Paul, and Mary, Enya, Kenny G, Billy Joel, or The Greatest Hits from AndrewLoyd Webber, I sometimes hear moans and groans. "Do you have any Lady GaGa?", is what I normally hear!

I always tell them that by the time this school year is over, they will be very cultured!!

I tell them to go home tonight and tell their parents that they listend to Phil Collins, Lesley Gore, The Marcells, Beethoven, Michael Bolton, or Cher in Social Studies class and see what they say! Great "dinner-table conversation"!
Anyway- Today I gave a test. (I heart test days! So relaxing!) On test days, I get to choose the music!!!! SO many choices!!

So today, I chose to play some Savage Garden.

My MOST FAVORITE song of all time is by Savage Garden. I adore the song, Affirmation. Not only do I love the beat of the music, but I love the lyrics even more. These lyrics are SO MEANINGFUL and give me goose bumps every time I hear them. Bravo to the songwriter of this amazing song. Things like this make me smile.

AFFIRMATION
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0FSe7_1QHE

"La Mia Famiglia"...(By: Jess)

I think everyone should be forced to move away.....from their family....for at least a year.

Because maybe then will people truly understand how important family is.

Maybe then people will understand what it is like to miss your family so much, it hurts your soul.

Maybe then people will not take each other for granted so much and treasure the time they spend together.

That is how I feel about my family.

Ever since I moved away from them (7 years ago) I have missed them ever since.

When I come home to visit (which isn't as often as I would like) I don't think they realize how excited I become or how much it really means to me.

When I pull my car into that familar town, I can barely turn off the engine and unbuckle my seatbelt fast enough! Seeing my Mom and sister is always the 1st thing I do (followed by a big hug and kiss),but then seeing all my cousins and "crazy aunts" is always next on my list.

When I come home, I feel just that. HOME.

Sometimes I think I have unrealistic expectations when I come home, regarding all the family time I expect to have. Because everytime I leave, I never feel like I got my "fix". I never feel like I got to spend enough time with everyone. I never feel fully fullfilled.

I don't think my family truly understands how much they mean to me or how much I value the whole concept of "FAMILY".

I'm a huge nerd when it comes to family. I love a big family and I happen to be blessed with one.....and all the baggage that comes with it! I love everyone getting together on birthdays, holidays, and weekends to eat, drink, and be merry! I love family get-togethers and celebrations! I love laughing, playing games, talking, and storytelling with my family! My Aunts kitchen table is my favorite place to be when I am home and coffee and dessert are ALWAYS consumed there. Dinner-time is my favorite time of day when I am home because it (usually) involves all my family members getting together....and when it dosen't happen, it frustrates me to no end.

Nobody can make me feel as accepted as my family can. They didn't choose me. I didn't choose them. We didn't choose each other. God did, and who is to ever question Him?

Below are some quotes that I love....concerning family. My hope is that by reading this, you (whoever you are...) will think of your family and love them and remember them and thank God for giving you them.


I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, "Identity Crisis," M*A*S*H

The family is a haven in a heartless world. ~Attributed to Christopher Lasch

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~Author Unknown

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses.~Joyce Brothers

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu

Blood's thicker than water, and when one's in trouble Best to seek out a relatives open arms.~Author Unknown

To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there. ~Barbara Bush

When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. ~George Bernard Shaw

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. ~Paul Pearshall

'Ohana means family - no one gets left behind, and no one is ever forgotten. ~Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois, Lilo & Stitch

The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you. ~Kendall Hailey, The Day I Became an Autodidact

Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman

I can say whatever I want about my family. That doesn't mean you can. - Unknown

At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable. ~Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer, Big Love, "Easter"

Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.~Anthony Brandt


A secret note to my family.....

Amo tutti voi. Voi sapete chi siete. Non rovinare il Natale. Mi ci vogliono tutti per stare insieme. Questo è tutto ciò che conta. Siete tutti importanti per me e vi amo tutti così tanto. Capirlo e fatemi sapere cosa è il piano. Ci vediamo presto!

Guilt. (By: Jess)

Ever since I became a real-life mom (to a human being), I have been struggling with a brand new emotion I am not used to dealing with.

Guilt.

It seems like I feel guilty all the time. Basically, whenever I am not with Leo or taking care of him or doing something that directly involves him, I'm feeling guilty.

I am totally aware of how crazy this sounds. But it's the honest truth.

Here are some examples of times I feel the most guilty....

• When my husband gets up with Leo at night. This would make the average person feel great and thankful that they have a husband who is willing to take his turn and help out when needed. Not me. When Toby gets up in the middle of the night to soothe Leo or rock him or re-position him in his crib, I lay in bed the entire time thinking about how guilty I feel for not getting up and doing it myself. I feel like a "bad mom" and feel lazy and selfish. Is it lazy and selfish of me to lay in bed and let Toby get up? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But, I feel like it is. Am I a "bad mom" if I lay in bed and let Toby tend to the baby? NO WAY JOSE! But, I feel like I am. OK....the secret is out..... I have issues.


• I feel guilty when I drop Leo off at the babysitters in the morning and leave to go to work. I feel like I am saying to his babysitter....."Here. Take him. You raise him while I go to my job and raise other people's kids for 8 hrs. Let me know if he says his first words or takes his first steps, cause I'm sure I will miss it." (Believe me....I am totally aware of how stupid this sounds. I'm just telling you how I feel.)


• I feel guilty when I am a few minutes late picking Leo up from the babysitters because I was chatting with co-workers after work. ACTUALLY......correction: I WOULD FEEL GUILTY if I was a few minutes late picking Leo up from the babysitters because I was chatting with co-workers after work. I have yet to do this....mainly because I would feel guilty if I did.


• I feel guilty when I drop Leo off at the gym daycare so I can get in a quick 60 minute workout. It makes me feel bad because I have not seen him all day long and when I finally get to hang out with him in the evening, after 3 hours or so, I'm ready for an hour of alone time already. Am I selfish or what????

Seriously.......... is this selfish? Guilt trip.

• I feel guilty when I take Leo to football games and I let my friends, Kerri and Josh, hold Leo for practically the entire game. I swear they want to.......... they tell me they do....... They ohhh and awwe over him and can't seem to get enough of him. They seem to enjoy him. But, I just can't get over the fact that they are just doing that to be nice and they are secretly thinking....."Gosh, is Jessica ever gonna come and get her kid??"


• I feel guilty when my in-laws come to visit or when my mom or sister come to visit and they stay home and babysit for Leo while Toby and I go out for dinner and drinks. I feel totally guilt-ridden because I am usually sooooooo flippin excited to hit the town, alone, with my husband! I am totally aware of the fact that this is what they WANT to to. Let's be honest.....they are not traveling 8+ hours to visit Toby and I. They are here to see and spend time with Leo. So why do I feel guilty when I allow them to babysit?? I. Have. No. Idea.


• I feel guilty when Leo gets sick or gets a stuffy nose. Yes, I have common sense, and know that it's called "the common cold" for a reason, but I can't get over the fact that maybe my house isn't clean enough or maybe I didn't dress him warm enough or he's sick because I didn't breastfeed or I don't disinfect his toys often enough or I take him too many places..... I'm guilty of being a bad mom! (Even though I'm smiling while I write this, I'm dead serious. This is honestly how I feel and think. I know how funny it sounds!)


• I feel guilty when Toby is spending quality time with Leo in the evenings giving him a bath and I am sitting on the couch sipping a glass of red wine, catching up on my mess of reality shows, and facebooking. Let me just mention that ONE TIME I gave Leo a bath before Toby got home from work and caught heck for it! Giving Leo a bath is something Toby looks forward to doing and actually gets angry with me if I don't let HIM do it. So, why do I feel guilty allowing Leo some Daddy time? You tell me!!!

I'm hoping that all this "feeling guilty" crap comes with motherhood and I'm assuming it's not going to get any better, but worse. Joy. This is defiantly something I was not prepared for. As soon as that Lil guy was born, I immediately started feeling guilty. The first wave of guilt hit me like a ton of bricks when the nurse in the hospital informed me that she changed Leo's wet and dirty diaper while I was asleep. Since then, the waves kept coming like the shores of the Outter Banks. Oh the agony.

On a positive note.....maybe the fact that I feel guilty if a good thing. Maybe it means that I am....dare I say it.....a Good Mom? I mean, if I didn't feel guilty, wouldn't that be weird?

Overall, I've come to somewhat of a conclusion. My conclusion is this......

I will never feel like I do enough as Leo's mom.

I will (probably) forever spend the rest of my life TRYING to be the best mommy to Leo Beck Rolfes and (probably) never achieve that goal.

No matter what I do, it will never be good enough, because he will always deserve better.

Ya know what..... as crazy as it may sound.... I think that's the best thing I can do for Leo. I can always strive to be better. Leo is pretty darn lucky to have a mom who tries as hard as I do, huh?

I guess feeling guilty does have it's perks..... even if it the most annoying emotion on the face of the planet.

Clutter Thinking...... (By: Jess)

Ever have so much on your mind that you have to take a "time out" just to think through it all?

Yeah....me too. I need to "De-Clutter".

Here is just a random list of the clutter that is taking up precious space in my mind.....

1. Beach trip this summer?
2. When will we get to go to Vegas again?
3. When will my Mom be able to come for a visit?
4. What can I do to spice up my classroom lectures?
5. I need to go shopping! I actually have money to spend!
6. Next time I get my hair colored, I'm going darker.
7. So excited about the "Biggest Loser" competition at school.
8. Why does Leo have another cold?
9. I shouldn't have taken Leo for a walk yesterday. Must have been too chilly. (see #8)
10. I'm getting a mani and pedi in a couple weeks and NO ONE (I mean NO ONE) is gonna stop me.
11. I'm excited to get a new dress for Keenland the weekend of Oct. 8th
12. I wonder if Mark and Whitney will come to Keenland in Oct.? Lindsey and Brent?
13. I need to contact that lady about taking Leo's 6 mo. picts.
14. I wonder what we will wear for our fall family picture?
15. I'm loving the new marriage series going on at our church right now.
16. I need to buy flank steak and peppers in adobo sauce.
17. I wish someone would buy our house.
18. I'm excited for our weekend away in Feb.
19. What should Toby and I be for Halloween?
20. I need to order Leo's Halloween costume.
21. I want to get some pumpkins soon.
22. Wonder when my new contacts will be in?
23. I want to make that new peanut butter cup cookie recipe.
24. I really want to have a wine and cheese party.
25. I need to get my Thanksgiving menu started......
26. I'm pumped for my 1st 5K coming up!
27. Will I ever be totally happy with my hair?
28. I wonder how my classroom looks after missing 2 1/2 days of school...... ugh.
29. I really want to go visit my cousin in PA and go to NYC while I am there.
30. I can't wait til Leo's backpack is here that I ordered!
31. I need to go to walmart....I'm sure of it.....for something.
32. I need to thaw some chicken.
33. Why are my lips so chapped?
34. I miss Melanie a lot sometimes.
35. I need to update my Netflix with all the movies I want to see.
36. Why am I such a slow reader?
37. I need to vacuum.
38. I need to looking into getting a housekeeper.
39. Is Leo teething?
40. I need to call Rosie back or at least send her a note in the mail with some pictures.
41. I need to start making my Christmas lists.


Ok. Enough for now. That made me tired, which was the point. Now I can go to bed. I wonder what I'll dream about tonight? Last night dream about Leo getting an entire set of teeth in one day had a lot to be desired. Tonight better be more interesting.....

Does the "clutter thinking" ever stop?

Gosh, I need to add parsley to my grocery list.......

Request for parents...... (By: Jess)

Bullies.
Ugh.
If you are the parents of a bully......and you are aware of it.....shame on you.
If you are the parents of a bully......and you are not aware of it......shame on you.
These kids make me want to scream, cry, pull my hair out, and stomp my feet.
I also want to pray for them. Very hard. Cause these are the types of people who need it the most.
Unfortunately, there are so many bullies in this world. They are all races, male and female, and come in all ages. Bullies are old and young, round and slim, perfect and awkward, strong and weak. Sometimes you can recognize a bully just by looking at them, and something they can shock the pee outta you.
I think everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) has been bullied at some point in their life, in some from or another.
I also think everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) has bullied someone, at some point in their life, in some form or another, whether they have realized it or not.
I can remember specific times when I was bullied. I can remember being called four-eyes. I can remember being picked last for the team. I can remember being placed with the "bluebirds". (AKA: the slow-reader class) and being made fun of for it. I can remember being called a "spoiled brat" (by a family member). I can remember being ignored by girls at school.... for no reason. I remember a girl pretending to be my friend and wanting to talk to me, only to lure me away from the group I was with and attempt to "beat me up" because she was jealous of the boy I was dating. I remember trying SO HARD to be friends with certain girls and they just didn't want to be my friend. I remember rumors that were spread about me. I can remember a boy at a Jr. High dance requesting the song, "I Hate Everything About You" and dedicating it to me. Yeah..... kids can be mean. And people don't forget things like this.
I also remember the day when I stopped caring so much about what people thought of me or how people perceived me. It was the summer of my Senior year...... and I finally felt FREE.
Don't get me wrong...this is not a sob story or an attempt to get you to feel sorry for me, cause I don't need it. I'm a strong person and all of the above situations did not have HUGE impacts on my life. They are just specific things I vividly remember and probably always will.
I'm sure I played my part in creating negative memories for other people. But, I will say with total and complete honesty, that if I ever did something to another person that was negative and could be considered "bullying", that it was absolutely unintentional. I wasn't raised that way.
As a teacher I am blessed in so many ways for all I get to accomplish every school day. I get to play such a huge role in my students lives and that is a huge responsibility. The kids I teach are so impressionable, so I have an important job......at least I think so.
Anyway- there is something that I have to witness everyday that I wish to God that I didn't have to.
Bullying.
I hate it.
It makes my heart hurt.
I'm so emotional and passionate about bullying, that I don't even think I can blog about it. I'm afraid that I will go too far. I know for a fact that I will ramble and ramble and ramble and eventually loose my point......cause I just deleted 5 paragraphs of emotional jabbering.
So, since I can't control my emotions on this topic, I'm just gonna say this.....
Parents, please raise your children right.
Please tell them how ugly it is to make another person cry because of the words you say. Please explain to them that they should never (never) put their hands on another person, for any reason. Please help them understand that all people are different and unique in their own way, that God made everyone, and that they have no right to criticize God work. Please teach them to always stand up for themselves in respectful and dignified ways and to never tarnish their name or yours. Please love them with all you have and always be available for them. Please don't allow them to be angry kids. Please spend time with them and make them feel important, respected, and proud of. Finally, please please please talk to your kids about bullying and all the forms of it. Please tell them to never do it. And please tell them that if you ever witness them doing it or hear of them doing it, then you make them regret it. A lot. Please do this for me. It will make my life easier. Thanks.
P.S. To all the parents who already do this......THANK YOU for having some sense.