The Hardest Things.

Top (5) hardest things about being a mom (from MY perceptive.)

5.  The pressure and judgment us moms deal with.

 I have said this before, but I'll say it again... as soon as Leo was born, I had about 30 minutes of complete bliss and happiness before the nurse informed me that she had changed Leo's wet AND dirty diaper for me. That was the moment where my entire life changed.

 Not because Leo was now a part of it, but because it was the 1st moment I felt judged as a mom. From that moment on..... it never stopped and I don't plan on it stopping any time soon.

My mom once said something to me that I could not have agreed more with,. She said
 "I would hate to be a mom in this day and age. The pressure you girls are under is ridiculous".

She's right, ya know.

Isn't mom always right?

But, seriously.... we (us moms) are expected to breastfeed. If you don't breastfeed you will go to federal prison. Lol... not really, its a personal choice I know, but the judgment the non-breastfeeding moms get is tough.

Those mom's who take the easy way out, who don't love their children as much, who  don't have "that bond" that breastfeeding mom's have, who don't want the best option possible for their baby, and who poisoned their baby's with formula and plastic bottles know what I'm talking about.

Someone actually told me that the reason Leo had a cold and earache was "because you didn't breastfeed". She also felt the need to throw another throat punch in there with, "My kids have never been sick".

I also specifically remember 2 days after that ignorant, self-righteous comment was made, her child threw up all over the backseat of her car.

  On top of being "the breast" mom, there are pressures to make baby food from scratch, use organic everything, save the environment with cloth diapers (because God forbid I expose my child to the dangers of regular diapers), "wear" our baby's, never allow them to cry it out (oh the damage THAT will cause in the future!), compete with each other by creating the best pregnancy announcements, gender revel parties, shower themes, 1st birthday parties, and  birth announcements.

Speaking of birth.... did you use drugs? Cause if you did you are "not as cool" as the mom who did it the natural way. ?!?   Did you give birth in a bathtub? The woods? On an exercise ball? On your hands and knees?  Did you pull out your baby yourself? Cause if you didn't, you have missed out on a bonding experience that will never come again. Did they wash off your baby right away or did they keep him "white" for awhile? Cause if they washed him first, he defiantly wont be as healthy as a baby who wasn't bathed immediately. How many pushes did it take you? Make sure its above 5 or else you will be considered weak.  Someone asked me this question once. I responded, "Umm, I'm not sure...". She proceeded to tell me that her magic number was 3. She waited for a response. She didn't get one. I guess the trophy she was expecting wasn't finished getting engraved yet. Darn.

4.  How often I question myself
I'm ALWAYS second guessing myself regarding Leo and Cece. I never in my life have put this much through into anything I ever did.....until I became Leo and Cece's mom. In a span of 24 hours, these are the common, most re-occurring questions I am  constantly asking myself:
 Am I a good mom?
Was that selfish?
Would (insert a fellow moms name that I'm currently trying to measure up to) do it this way?
Does this really matter?
Will he/she/they remember this?
Am I making a memory?
Is this healthy?
Am I paying enough attention to them?
Should I be doing something constructive with them right now?
Would my mom do this?
Did my mom do this?
Will that cause cancer?
Will Toby be proud of this?
Will this make Toby mad?
Is that a sign of ADD?
Did I do that?
Was that right?
Is anyone watching?
Is she judging me?
Is this wrong?

See. Good thing you aren't me, huh?

3. Letting them go
I know they are not packing up and heading to college, but that's not really the "letting go" I'm referring to.

I'm talking about leaving them....period.

Leaving them without me. 

Whether I take them to a daycare or babysitter or drop them off at school or take them to Sunday school or enroll them on their first sports team or dance class or send them off for a sleepover at their nonnies. I'ts not that I can't function without their presence. I wont grieve until they come back. It doesn't matter if they are away from me for an hour or 3 days. I'm fine with taking "kid free" trips. I'm not going to sob on my way out, waving from the car window.  It's not about "missing" them.....  it's about what they experience without me that I will never know about.

Things will happen when Mom is not present. Great things, good things, sad things, mean things, bad things, life changing things, new things... lots of things. Things I will have no control over.

Another kid may say something to Leo or Cece that hurts their feelings.

Another kid may become Leo's best friend on the playground that day and will continue to be his best friend until he graduates from HS. I will probably never know what was said or how that bond was created...cause it happened without me.

Cece and her friends may talk about boys together and one of them may tell her what a "wet dream" is. I won't be there to see her reaction or how she deals with that bit of information or even if the information is correct or not. I remember when I was a kid, my neighbor told me what sex was. She said it was when "a man puts his pee pee in a woman's poop hole and pee's." So, for the longest time, that was what sex was to me. Peeing in someone's butt. I guarantee my mom never knew this. (until now)

Leo will probably hear "the F word" or say "the F word" and I won't be around to know the details of that moment. Why it was said, how it was said, if it was said to someone. I doubt he will come galloping home to share the news with me.

Cece may help out a little girl in need and her true character will shine through or she may contribute to bullying someone.

An adult may say something to or around one of them that may affect them somehow. An adult may curse, yell, be fighting with another adult, be crying, be rude to them, or be really sweet to them.

Regardless of what happens, I wont be there to witness it for myself.

Sure, Leo and Cece will tell me things that happen... but I guarantee you that they will NEVER tell me EVERYTHING.

What if Cece or Leo are in a situation where they need to make a serious decision?  What happens when they come to a crossroad and they have to decide? Cause it will happen. Will they cheat on a test? Will they try to smoke? Will they stand up for what they believe is right? Will they lie or tell the truth?  Will they choose wisely?

 Ill never know.

Any lessons they learn, stories they hear, names they will be called, sad, brave, confusing, happy, excited, scary moments that they will remember for the rest of their lives..... I wont be apart of.

That is hard to grasp and accept.

Why can't I cant be in control of every situation that involves them?  And when I am somewhere without them, why can't I have a simple surveillance monitor embedded into their skin that will allow me to see and hear everything that goes on in their lives without me? I don't think that's asking too much.

 But, that's not possible or realistic or fair to them.

2. The temporary separation with the Mr.
(let me preface this by saying I love Toby Rolfes more than ever!)

Toby and I's relationship changed the second we became parents. I pretty sure that Toby loved me more than he did the day he married me as soon as Leo was born.

 I know I loved him more.

From that moment, I looked at Toby different and I'm pretty positive he looked at me different too. ("Did I poop? "You might have... just a little")

 Toby wasn't just my husband anymore... he was "Dad" and his name wasn't all that changed.

The attention he used to give  me was less and less and I was OK with that. Sometimes. Usually it's the other way around... the mom is the one who gives all her attention to the baby and leaves none for the dad. It happened the opposite way around in our house.

Dates were different. They were obviously less and less, but now while out on the occasional date, the conversation is always about the kids, we both are usually tired and go home earlier than we want to, we both have a twinge of guilt for being on a date in the first place, and the time spent alone with Toby always goes too fast.

There was more competiveness in our relationship once we became parents. I know for sure that I was really good at "keeping track" whose turn it was to... feed, change diapers, give a bath, play with, rock to sleep, change the diaper genie bag, get the baby dressed in the morning, do the late night shift, get up first on Sunday, ect...

I really never competed with Toby (or any man, for that matter) before. Who gives the better baths? Who gets Leo to sleep the best? Who keeps Leo entertained better? Who is the fastest at changing a diaper? Who can get Cece to stop crying the best? Who can put up with the most stress before they loose their sh*t? Who is calmer?  Its' a struggle and more my issue than his. I don't think he competes with me as much as I do with him.

The "busyness" is never ending and "tiredness" is the third wheel all the time.

Drinking and partying is forever changed and our the importance of our social lives doesn't really matter at all to either of us, frankly.

 Little moments when he passes me in the kitchen, wraps his arms around my waist, hugs me for 8 seconds, and kisses my check mean more to me than anything. Little things like this matter more now than they did before. A lot of times Toby and I will hug each other and say "I miss you" and we both understand what that means.

We are more of a team now than a couple.

We work together and make sure that there is never an "I" in TEAM. I miss our "old relationship", but the "new relationship" is growing on me. I love Toby more than I did on June 9, 2007. He's the best Dad for our kids and I consider myself extremely lucky to be his partner, his wife, the mom of his kids, and his teammate!!

And sex? well, that's personal.....;)

1. The Guilt
From day 1.

My new BFF.

More like that annoying friend who won't leave you alone.

 I felt guilty because the nurse changed Leos first diaper instead of me. That feeling has not gone away since.

 I felt guilty when I wanted to take a nap after giving birth and I wasn't holding Leo every chance I got.

I felt guilty that Toby fed him in the middle of the night the first night in the hospital because I was asleep.

 I felt guilty feeding Leo a bottle instead of breastfeeding him.

I felt guilty every time he would cry because that meant that something was wrong. (I soon got over that, though)

The older the kids get, the guilt doesn't lessen any.

Whenever I do anything without them, I'm feeling guilty. No question.

 If I go home after school so I can sit on the couch, drink a Dt. Coke in peace, and attempt to catch the beginning of Dr. Phil, before picking them up at daycare, I feel guilty.

I SHOULD be going to get them as soon as work is over. I mean, that's the reason for daycare, right? To take care of my kids while I'm at work. So if I'm technically  not at work, there is no reason for them to be at daycare. Right?

I know.... so dumb. But its honestly what goes through my mind.

So there it is....the things that I feel was really hard about being a mom. I hope that these things will eventually get easier... but in the meantime, I'll keep working at it. Its all I really can do. Keep working......... and keep drinking. Defiantly keep drinking.