The History of My Heart.

Dear Cece,

When you experience your very first heartbreak, I want you to read this.

I love you!

Love, Mom

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Ever had your heart broken?

If not, you suck.

But also if not, then I kinda feel sorry for you.

I feel sorry for you because you have not experienced something that, I think, is essential to experience in a lifetime.

I've had my heart broken (3) times (so far)  in my 35 years on this green earth.

(3) times too many, if you ask me.

 But, I guess (3) is better than 15.

 I would have settled for (1) good, firm heartbreak. I mean, I could have learned and grew from just (1)... I really didn't need the 2nd (2) to happen......but they did and I coped.

Anyway... I remember those heartbreaks like they happened yesterday.

The feeling of having a broken heart can't be explained, but I'm gonna try my best to put it into words......my words.

Heartbreak is different for everyone.

I look at Cece and I am anxious for her to feel her 1st heartbreak. I'm dreading it because it's gonna hurt her. I'm also a little excited for her because I think that once she recovers from that heartbreak, she will be a different woman. She will be stronger, more compassionate, wiser, more confident, and she will carry this heartbreak with her for the rest of her life, like a medal she has  earned.

I can't speak for Leo. I have no idea what heartbreak is for a man. I only know what it's like for a woman and I GUARENTEE it's different. But I will tell him this: be very careful with a girls heart. If you break it, do it gently and not hatefully. She will eventually get over it, but it may take her awhile and you can't hate her for that. Try your best to understand even if you don't and say your sorry 100 times............ and don't be an asshole.

My 1st heartbreak.
I was 18.

His name was Matt.

I was a freshman in college and so was he.

I remember the day we met... he was going back and forth from a car, unloading stuff into his dorm room.

I was walking with my roommate, Krista.

We ran into each other and both of us knew the other looked familiar.

I knew I had seen him before and I could tell he thought the same.

We both said "hi" and I THINK we may have swapped numbers or he may have invited us over to his dorm later or something..... because from that moment on we were always together.

I loved him. I really did. He was so cute, he had great hands (I have a "thing" with a man's hands) , and I just really liked his face.

We were from around the same area and knew a lot of the same people.

We had the same interests... we both liked to party and be social, we both liked movies, and we both liked.......... well, that may have been it. I was 18, remember?

We "went out" for a 2 years.  That was the longest relationship I had ever been in.

In those couple of years, I think we broke up a time or two.

I remember a lot about those (2) years that I spend loving Matt.....

 I remember the people we hung out with, I remember movies we saw together, I remember him meeting my family (my mom made Wild Rice soup for dinner and he didn't like it, but tried his best to eat some to be polite).

 I remember my dad shaking his hand (and Matt told me later that is REALLY hurt), I remember where he lived (a dorm room, the 2nd floor of a house with (1) roommate, and another bigger house on College St. with (2? 3?) other guys.

 I remember gifts we got each other (I remember that our first Christmas together he bought me like (5) sweaters and he was the first boy to buy me "nice" jewelry....... a pair of gold earrings).

I remember how I felt with Matt. He made me happy. I wanted to be with and around him all the time.

I remember that my heartbreak over Matt took me a long time to get over.

A really long time.

We ended up breaking up for good my junior year of college.

 He completed his Freshman year at U of F, but then joined the Army. We lasted through his basic training and (maybe?) about a year after that, but it eventually ended bad.

There were a lot of sad moments (on my part) that I remember with Matt.

 I remember he was the first boy who I ever REALLY cried over.

 I remember my Dad comforting me when I was crying over him.

 I remember that he was the first boy to cheat on me and I remember "the night" I found out.

I remember the shock, hurt, disappointment, anger, and stupidity that I felt.

He cheated on me with a girl named Jamie.

Honestly, after that.... I really don't remember much more about our relationship.

Our last "official" break up was at a dance club in Findlay; Brandy's.

I remember being with my roommate Melanie and my friends Cory and Aaron.

 I remember how I worn my hair.... I had one of those elastic bands that had fake hair on it and I used it to wrap around my real hair. I remember I worn a "messy bun" and I specifically remember that I was having a good hair day.

 I clearly remember that.

Isn't it weird the things our brains zero in on?!?!

I remember knowing Matt was going to be there that night and I remember trying to pretend that I didn't care.

 I remember dancing with some random guy specifically to make Matt jealous. I have no idea if it worked.

 I remember this night was also the first night I ever got punched in the face.

Not by Matt.

By a girl named Roni.

She was a "friend" of Matt's and I guess she hit me because she was defending (protecting?) him.

 I remember Matt and I were yelling at each other, over what I have no idea, and I remember starting to cry and putting my hand over his face and digging my fingernails into his skin.

 That is when I got hit in the eye from the side.

After that.... we went home and I don't think I ever cried so hard and I remember Melanie telling me to pray.

  I had a black eye the next morning and I remember when I had to explain it to my mom and how mad at me she was.

After that, Matt left for Hawaii and I didn't see him again for about 2? 3? years.

He came home to visit his family for Christmas. We somehow got in touch with one another through email. He was going to come over to catch up.

 I will NEVER forget the butterflies in my stomach that night.

He came over. We sat on my couch. I remember my roommate and I were in the middle of moving, so all our stuff was boxed up. We talked and drank. We went to Kroger at some point and got more beer and I remember the cashier questioning his military ID.

We went back to my apartment. I remember he kissed me.

Out of nowhere.

 I think I was in the middle of a sentence.

I remember tears running down my face as soon as he did this.

 I wasn't happy that he kissed me. I wasn't excited that he kissed me. I was sad... because I knew that this kiss meant sooooo many things.

 It meant "I'm sorry".

It meant "I miss you".

 It meant "I really did love you".

 It meant "goodbye".

After that, he left while I was in the bathroom getting my composer.

He went to a house party at a friends. He said he was going to come back.... and he did, but I was asleep.

 He promised to call me the next day and take me to dinner.

He never did.

 I think I called his house 100 times that day, looking like a total psycho. I remember realizing at that point.... it was really over.

I never talked or saw him again.



I did kinda communicate with him one more time, but not directly.

His roommate from our freshman year committed suicide and I sent his mom his obituary and asked that she tell Matt what happened.

Years later.... like probably 6 or 7 years..... I was at country concert.

 I ran into an old friend of Matt's.

 I didn't want to look crazy and psycho, but I was really curious about what Matt was up to.

 I very casually asked this old friend..... "Hey, whatever happened to Matt?"

This friend told me he was married.

My heart dropped, I totally pretended to be surprised and acted happy.

It hurt knowing that.

It took a long time to "get over" Matt.

 I dated other people and they never really match up to him. One guy I dated said to me once during a fight we were having, "You are so still in love with him!"

 He was referring to Matt.

He was right.

 I remember many nights crying over Matt... while we dated and after. I remember the feeling of ache in my heart sucked, and the moment it went away, it finally felt like a weight was lifted off my chest.

That moment was when I met J.T.

My 2nd Heartbreak.
I was 23.

I remember meeting him when Lindsey and I went out and he came along.

He was friends with Lindsey's boyfriend and I think we were going to a party in Columbus.

 I remember knowing ahead of time that he was coming and that he "liked" me.

I was dating someone else at the time and I honestly wasn't interested.

Well, that relationship ended and I remember the moment when I decided to give J.T. a call.

I left him a message and I left my first and last name and remember saying.... "I don't know if you remember me or not...".

I went home to Ottawa that night and that's when J.T. returned my call.

I remember sitting on the floor, in the family room of the house I grew up in, and seeing an unknown number light up my phone screen neon green.

I knew it was him.

I remember being very confident. I knew he liked me. I knew this would go well.

I wasn't REALLY interested in him, but I didn't want to be single and I thought he was cute.

 I remember him laughing at the message I left him, because I left my last name and asked "if he remembered me".

 He said, "Of course I remember you!" and immediately asked me out on a date.

I remember him telling me how excited he was when he got my message and I remember that making me feel amazing.

J.T. and I didn't date long. Almost a year I think. I fell in love with him quick.

We had fun together.

 He was a teacher and I was working at JCP. I still couldn't pass that effin PRAXIS test, so I wasn't able to teach that year. I think that bothered him that I didn't have a "real job".

I met his parents and he met mine.

Actually, he only met my Mom. My dad died the year I started dating J.T..

J.T. was with me and my family on the 1st Christmas morning without Dad.

 It was so hard and we all sobbed.

 I think know that J.T. felt uncomfortable, but did his best to try to comfort me and I loved him for that.

He was a basketball coach and I liked that. I was a sucker for basketball boys. Always have been.

 Being a coaches girlfriend sucked. He was never able to do things on the weekends and if the team ever lost (which they did a lot) he was always grumpy.

 I remember taking pictures of all the basketball players on his team and making Christmas ornaments for each of them. It took forever, but I felt so proud to do it.

I remember J.T. got me a waffle maker for my 24th birthday. I still have it.

The way J.T. and I ended was weird.

 I still don't really know what happened.

 I THINK it may have been because I got really sick once and (honestly) I think it turned him off. Which is kinda funny, looking back on it.

We went to GA for my cousins wedding and I got food poisoning (from pizza I think). I was pretty grossly sick (barfing and pooping) for 2 straight days. I must have not been attractive to him during those 2 days..... so unattractive that he broke up with me a few days later.

It was a shock when we broke up and I was defiantly heartbroken. It felt extremely similar to what I went through with Matt. I remember begging him not to do this.

 I remember saying that "I don't want to go through this again!", "I can't go through this again!".

 It was like crawling back to hell after finally escaping.

 I remember that this was the first time I had cried over a man since Matt, and I remember my mom hugging me and holding me so tight the night the break-up happened. My mom and I had never really been that affectionate with one another, so this was a big deal to me.

 I drove home to Ottawa (10pm?), burst through the front door, and directly into my mom's open arms. I stood there and sobbed for about 10 minutes. My mom's friend, Deb, was over visiting at the time, and I remember her quietly putting her hand on my shoulder, softly walking around mom and I, and slipping out the front door.

J.T. had never had his heart broken before, so he had no idea why I was so upset. It was easy for him to walk away. He started dating someone shortly after me.

It was not easy for me to walk away. It was hard for me to move on after that break-up and it was 75% of the reason I moved to SC a few months later.

  That heartbreak took awhile to get over as well. I lost a lot of weight because of it......

which was A-MAZ-BALLS!

I remember running into J.T. at Country Concert that summer. I had lost about 15 lbs and had THE BEST abs I've ever had in my life! I was wearing a bikini top and jean shorts. It felt good to see him there, mainly because I looked so smokin' hot!

 We talked for about 7 seconds and he mentioned that he heard I was moving to South Carolina in a few days. I told him I was going to be teaching 7th and 8th grade creative writing and I remember him laughing, making fun of that.

I came back with a snarky comment about him teaching "gym" and he shut up.

That was the last time I ever saw him.




Running into J.T. at country concert was a breeze for me....... because this was the day I also met the man I would eventually marry.

I had met Toby about an hour prior to running into J.T.

When I first laid eyes on Toby I was attracted to him. He was a doll! A Brad Pitt/Leonardo DeCaprieo look-alike, with a great tan, and awesome abs! I had no problem running around with Toby that day/night and running into an ex-boyfriend was icing on the cake.

Bless THAT broken road!


My 3rd Heartbreak happened in between my break-up with Matt and before I met J.T.

When My dad died, my heart shattered again.... but this heartbreak felt different than the others.



 This heartbreak I knew was never going to go away.

 I knew that the feeling of "missing" my dad would be here forever.

Time was not going to heal this break, like it did the others.

This one felt like a hole. A never ending hole. It was deep, black, and my stomach constantly had the feeling that I was doing downhill in a roller costar.

There is not a lot to say about this heart break, cause it's still here.

 It's not healed yet and probably never will be. But, I've learned to live with it.

 Its like a wound that you have top keep an eye on.

 I've got to take care of it.... keep it clean and bandaged. Sometimes it feels fine, shows no sign of infection, isn't red or sore. But, then there are other times where it flares up and I need some extra antibiotics on it.

 It's a funny wound, but I'm used to it and I know it won't kill me.

At times it hurts really bad, and I think it just might kill me.... but it hasn't yet.

So, for now I'll keep an eye on it and watch it for signs of infection.






As nuts as it sounds, I am very grateful for these (3) heartbreaks.

 I have been made who I am because of them.

If these had never happened to me, I wouldn't be who I am now. I became so strong, more confident, a little guarded (but I think that's good), and more compassionate.

I loved and lost and loved again and lost again and loved again.

One thing I know for sure..... My heart may be broken again several more times throughout the remainder of my life. And I'm gonna have to deal with those when they come. But, I guarantee that they will not dealt with alone. Toby Rolfes will never break my heart.... this I know. So at least dealing with another break-up will never be something I  ever have to heal from again.


 

Sidenote:

Matt is married now to a beautiful girl. They live in VA and he has 2 adorable kids. I'm happy for him and he has a great career with the military. He's a big part of my college life and contributed to who I am today. I could never hate him. There were time when I did, but not anymore.

J.T. is also married. He has a son and still coaches HS basketball.

My dad is still dead. lol.