Need Help? (By Jessica)

Help.

It's something I've always had a problem accepting.

Actually..... that's a lie.

I guess I have either always welcomed help or never really thought much about it.

Until I had children. Then it was all I thought about.

I need help.
Who can help me?
No one is helping me!
Do I ask people to help me too much?
Do I turn down help too often?
Do I have more help than the average individual?
Do I need less help?
Do I need more help?

This is a topic that has bothered me since DAY ONE of Leo Beck Rolfes' life. As soon as he was born.......BOOM...... the issue of "help" became a huge issue.

From the first diaper change, when the nurse asked me if I "needed help", I honestly didn't know what to say. If I DID need help, was I already a bad mom and less of a woman? If I DID'NT need help was I a know-it-all bitchy helicopter mom?

I drive myself crazy thinking about this so-called "help".

I beat myself up when I ask for help. It makes me feel weak, lazy, spoiled, and too consumed with my own self to worry about anyone or anything else. It makes me feel like a "bad mom" (whatever that is... more on that to come) and immature. It makes me feel like I can't do anything on my own and makes me feel like less of an adult.

I also also feel rude when I turn down help. When someone offers help to me and I say "no thanks" I feel.......bad.

But it also makes me feel very defensive.  When people say "let me help you" or "can I help?" it makes me feel like they think I really need it. Do I look like I'm struggling? Do I look like I can't handle this? Do I look like I "need help"?

But then when no help is offered (or so I think.... in reality it's always available to us. We are lucky) I feel too busy, overwhelmed, rushed, and stressed out. I feel alone and unappreciated and sorry for myself.

Geez, I just realized how selfish that is.

So what's a mom to do? Take help? Not take help?

What's an outsider to do? Offer help? Not offer help?

In the whole "scheme of life" (this seems to be my new way of putting things into perspective lately) I really believe that there is NEVER too much help.

When it comes to my children, isn't the fact that people want to be involved in their lives a good thing?  Isn't it cool when people ask to pick them up from school? Or take them to the park? Or give them a bath? Or read them a book? Or buy them new clothes? Or take them to McDonalds?

Yes it is cool. It's very cool that the kids have so many people that love them enough to want to do these things for them. And that love me enough to want to do these things for me.

I need to stop thinking in the back of my twisted mind about what other people are thinking about me as a mother.

Here is the truth. This is honestly what goes through my mind every time someone else is with my kids.......Whenever someone else is helping me out with the kids, I ALWAYS feel like other people are questioning it or thinking "why can't Jessica do that?" or "that is something the mother should do".  As a mom I sometimes feel always feel like I'm the one who should be doing everything, all the time. Why do I feel like a "bad mom" when someone else offers to do these things?

But.... that is not reality and it's not good for the kids. I can't do it all and even if I could, it's not fair of me to want to do it all. There are other people waiting in line to love on my kids and help them (us). Why would I not allow that?

I need to get over myself and think of my kids and the people who want to help me and be involved in their lives. I need to realize that it really has nothing to do with me at all. It's all about them, the kids, and having as many people involved in their lives as possible. Because, the more people that love them, the better.