September 2016
Things are good.
Not fantastic.
Not amazing.
Not terrible.
Just good. And that's good.
Leo is 5 and Cece is 4.
I am 36 and Toby is 35.
He is in his 2nd year of preschool..... thank Goodness he didn't go to Kindergarten. He just wasn't ready. Best choice Toby and I ever made. What's the rush, right? Better safe than sorry.
She is in her 1st year of preschool.
Cece is my dream girl. She is a blessing that I don't deserve. Her cuteness at 4 years old melts my heart every day.
Leo is so loving and caring and I am so proud of him. I tell him how much I love him everyday and I don't think it will never be enough.
He is the best thing in my life.
She is the best thing in my life.
Gertie is almost 10 years old and I worry about her everyday. I don't know what Ill do without her. She NEVER leaves my side. She still plays with her toys, eats her food, snuggles with me at night, and kisses me whenever she gets a chance..... as long as she still does those things I'm happy.
Toby is still as amazing as the day I met him....probably more.
At 9 years of marriage we are still a strong couple. Lots has changed, but I'd be concerned if they didn't.
He's an awesome father and still tells me I'm hot. I'll take it.
Work is good. I love teaching 9th grade. Its a fun age. And I love that I get to teach both of my passions.... English and History. Never expected to get to do that.
I'm still trying to accept that I'll never be as happy in the workplace as I was when I was at WSJH and worked with "Team Darby". That was a once-in-a-lifetime group given to me by God himself and I guess I'm lucky to have been blessed with it.
Toby loves his job and is thrilled with the new responsibilities he's been given. He's a true leader and is really good at what he does.
Leo is playing soccer this fall and so far seems to like it.
Cece is in her 3rd year of dance and she adores it.
Cece is currently sick with Strep throat and she is pitiful. I think she's going to be like me. I got sick a lot when I was a kid. Why? Who knows. What is it about kids when they are sick? She has the ability to turn me into a puddle of goo when she is sick. Her sad eyes and they way she says "mommy" when she is sick get me every time. We have been making "sick beds" on the couch for her, giving her extra baths, her own box of Kleenex to keep by her bed, her own ice pack, and anything else her little heart desires.
Leo wants to bad to be sick.
I'm still struggling with self image and its the most annoying feeling in the world. Sometimes I think I'm crazy and sometimes I feel normal. I can never tell on a day-to-day basis.... which is scary.
Getting old is not an enjoyable experience and one that I'm learning how to deal with.
Im working hard at staying organized and keeping the household together. I enjoy it and take pride in it. The laundry, the cleaning, the groceries, the meals, the decorating, the memory-making..... its all important to me.
Trick-or-treat is around the corner and as of now Leo is going as Spiderman and Cece will be Elsa.
Toby and I are starting to plan a trip to Mexico to celebrate our upcoming 10 years of married bliss. We are still trying to figure out a time to go....
We are going on a date on Saturday night. Im looking forward to it.
As of now, September 2016, things are pleasant. I cant complain.... Im a lucky girl.... God has blessed me and Im thankful everyday, even though I don't say it as often as I should.
And that is where we are on the map of life.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Would You Be There?
If I went to see a medium?
Would you show up "from the other side" and talk to me?
Is that even possible? I mean.... I see TV shows where it happens to people all the time. Is it real?
Do people really "cross over" and visit us?
Do our loved ones who have died have an option to do this a lot?
If this is true, would you show up for me if given the chance?
If so, what would you tell me?
Or would you roll your eyes at the thought and leave me sitting there, waiting....... You never really were into any of this "stuff", so I honestly don't know if you would "show up" and "speak".
If so.... Tell me that you miss me as much as I miss you?
Would you tell me that you "see everything"?
Would you tell me what it's like in Heaven? Would you shared details about what God is like?
Would you tell me that you are with Rosie and Jerry and Grandma and Grandpa?
Michael Jackson? Whitney Houston?
Would you know who Leo and Cece and Toby are?
Would you be proud of me?
Have you been watching "The Walking Dead"? Cause you would LOVE it.
If I asked you about the day you passed away would you remember it as I do?
Or would you see if differently?
Would you be upset at me for not really saying "good bye"?
Or would you tell me that you understand?
I wonder if you would tell me if you were ready to go or not.
Would you tell me whether or not that dream I had about you in the tanning bed was real or not?
Did you really stick your hand through the door and wave to me?
Were you waving "hello" or "goodbye"?
Would you tell me if you think I'm doing a good job raising my kids?
Would you love Leo and Cece like only a Grandpa would?
Id love to know your thoughts about Donald Trump maybe being our next President.
Would you take the time to give me medical advise?
I wonder if you have tried to do this before and I wasn't paying attention?
If so, when?
If not, why?
If it IS possible that people are able to connect with others who have passed on, then why is it so expensive?
Why does it have to cost $500+ do ask someone to simply tell someone else "hi" for you?
People who have these talents are special people.... why are they using their God given gifts to make money?
If they really are God given gifts.......
I just wonder if you would show up..... and if you didn't, who would?
Would you show up "from the other side" and talk to me?
Is that even possible? I mean.... I see TV shows where it happens to people all the time. Is it real?
Do people really "cross over" and visit us?
Do our loved ones who have died have an option to do this a lot?
If this is true, would you show up for me if given the chance?
If so, what would you tell me?
Or would you roll your eyes at the thought and leave me sitting there, waiting....... You never really were into any of this "stuff", so I honestly don't know if you would "show up" and "speak".
If so.... Tell me that you miss me as much as I miss you?
Would you tell me that you "see everything"?
Would you tell me what it's like in Heaven? Would you shared details about what God is like?
Would you tell me that you are with Rosie and Jerry and Grandma and Grandpa?
Michael Jackson? Whitney Houston?
Would you know who Leo and Cece and Toby are?
Would you be proud of me?
Have you been watching "The Walking Dead"? Cause you would LOVE it.
If I asked you about the day you passed away would you remember it as I do?
Or would you see if differently?
Would you be upset at me for not really saying "good bye"?
Or would you tell me that you understand?
I wonder if you would tell me if you were ready to go or not.
Would you tell me whether or not that dream I had about you in the tanning bed was real or not?
Did you really stick your hand through the door and wave to me?
Were you waving "hello" or "goodbye"?
Would you tell me if you think I'm doing a good job raising my kids?
Would you love Leo and Cece like only a Grandpa would?
Id love to know your thoughts about Donald Trump maybe being our next President.
Would you take the time to give me medical advise?
I wonder if you have tried to do this before and I wasn't paying attention?
If so, when?
If not, why?
If it IS possible that people are able to connect with others who have passed on, then why is it so expensive?
Why does it have to cost $500+ do ask someone to simply tell someone else "hi" for you?
People who have these talents are special people.... why are they using their God given gifts to make money?
If they really are God given gifts.......
I just wonder if you would show up..... and if you didn't, who would?
Friday, March 11, 2016
Rosie... Saying Goodbye
So Rosie died.
I had no idea it would hurt me as bad as it did. My God, how I loved that woman.
I was asked by her daughter to share memories of her at her funeral.
It was by far that hardest thing Ive ever had to do...... yet it was probably the proudest Ive ever been. I haven't cried that much since my dad died. Everytime I stop and think of a specific memory, picture her face and her smile, hear her giggle, try to remember her smell, or imagine myself hugging her, I get the worst flash of saddness in my chest/stomach. I thinbk I will miss her for the rest of my life.
Here is my speech:
I call her Rosie. To me, that is her name.
This nickname was created because my sister and I (at the
age of 4) were not able to pronounce Ileana.
We also created a nickname for her husband ……….. we called
him “Big Daddy” and for anyone who knew Bill, that name was a perfect fit.
Rosie was my childhood babysitter, and aside from my
parents, she was one of the most important people in my life.
And as life carried on and I grew older, she became much
more than a weekend babysitter….. she was a
·
A substitute grandma, sitting in the front pew
at my wedding
·
A shoulder to cry on when my father passed away
·
A friend who I could visit, laugh, and drink “sanka” coffee with every couple months.
·
And my personal cheerleader….. as she was the
last person who gave me a “pep talk” before I gave birth to my first child
So many memories
of my childhood involve Rosie:
·
Making homemade bread with her and Big Daddy
·
Putting together jigsaw puzzles
·
Playing hours of marco polo
·
Looking forward to her coconut lamb cake every
Easter and chocolate truffles every Christmas
·
Her making me warm milk and honey when I
couldn’t sleep at night
·
Listening to old records on her record player.
One of my favorite memories that I
have of Rosie is when she would take my sister and I to church with her.
She always made us wear a nametag
and whenever the pastor would ask, “Do we have any visitors today?”, she would
make us stand upstand up in the pew so everyone could see.
At the time, it was slightly embarrassing……
but looking back on it now, I
realize how proud she was to bring us into her church.
How proud she was to introduce us,
“her girls” to her church friends and how important her faith was.
I remember it like it was
yesterday.
Rosie also taught me many things….
·
How to play Chinese checkers, solitaire, and gin
rummy
·
Special songs like “I love you a bushel and a
peck…” and “Ring around the Rosie”
·
How to say my prayers before every meal and
before bed
·
And the true meaning of the phrase “it’s the
thought that counts” when gift giving.
That’s another trait about Rosie… her giving heart. I can
recall the many gifts she gave my sister and I over the years. Birthday gifts and Christmas gifts. They were
never much, but the meaning behind them is what made them so special……. A box
of pocket-size Kleenex, a single pencil, a stuffed cat, or a piece of her own
jewelry….. which I wore on my wedding day……… all simple, in-expensive gifts
that came from the heart.
Its funny…. I have probably received hundreds of gifts over
the years….. but these gifts from Rosie are ones that I remember and treasure the most.
A friend of mine (and of Rosie’s) recently shared with me
a few verses from the book of Mark that
she felt described the kind of woman Rosie was.
The verses are entitled “The Widow’s Offering” and I’d like
to read them…..
God says this:
41 Jesus sat down opposite the place where
the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the
temple treasury.
Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42
But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper
coins, worth only a few cents.
43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said,
“Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the
others. 44
They all gave out of their wealth; but she,
out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”
Rosie had specific characteristics about her that only
“Rosie could possess”….
·
Her strong and confident faith in and God
·
Her smell
·
Her love for the color pink… light pink….
·
Her jet black hair…… when even at the age of 93
still didn’t have one single shred of gray…..
·
Her distinct handwriting
·
The sound of her laugh
·
How her glasses would rise on her cheeks when
she would smile
·
And her hands…….
As a child, and even as an adult, I would always would rub
my fingers over the prominent blue veins on the top of her hands….. Her skin was so
thin and so soft and her nails perfectly manicured.
A lot of these traits are also traits that her daughter,
Diane, has…..
and I love the fact that I can see bits and pieces of Rosie
in her.
I know Rosie is elated to be in heaven
with God.
I know
she is reuniting with Big Daddy, with my dad, and so many others that have gone
before her.
I know
she wasn’t scared of death and was ready to “go home” when God came for her… because
she told me many times.
I also know how much she will be missed.
By me and my family.
By her family.
And by all of us here, who were blessed to know her.
A quote from one of my favorite books helps explain how I
will continue to go through life without Rosie’s presence….
“Lost Love is still Love. It takes a different form, that’s
all.
SO…. Even though I cant hug her tiny frame, hold her hand,
or hear her laugh anymore……… I still have my memories of Rosie…. As we all do.
Nurture these memories.
Hold them and dance with them until you see her again.
Remember that “Life has to end, but love doesn’t”.
May you rest in peace, Rosie….. I love you a bushel and a
peck.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Bitter with The Bachelor.
The Bachelor.
I've watched this show, on and off, for years.
I've never really taken this show too seriously, but I have always enjoyed the guilty pleasure of following it.
Until now.
It wasn't until last night, when I was watching the most current episode, that I suddenly realized the total stupidity of this show.
It suddenly hit me that this show is disgusting.
Humorous.
A total joke.
Get a bunch of girls together and have them compete for the love of one man. And according to the contestants and the man himself..... the love that is being fought for is....real. Real love.
REAL love is not something I would EVER want to compete for. I'll compete for money, material items, vacations, bragging rights, self-motivation, tickets to see Céline Dion..... but not for love.
First off..... Ceceilia Grace....... if you EVER "compete" with another girl for the love of one man, I'll kill you.
NEWSFLASH........ A strong, confident, smart woman should never have to compete with anyone for anything.... let alone the love of another human being.
The girls on this show last night pissed me off. These girls actually break my heart. I hate the fact that some of these girls are idolized. I hate the fact that the "prize" that they are all competiting for is also idolized.
One girl said, "He is the man of my dreams. He is the one I've been waiting for my entire life. He is the type of man I want my dad to give me away to."
Who exactly is the man of your dreams?
A man who cheats? A man who lies? A man who tells another woman besides you :I love you"? A man who is incredible at "playing the game"? THAT is the man of your dreams?
The man of my dreams kisses ME. Not her.
The man of my dreams holds ME. Not her.
The man of my dreams looks deep into MY eyes. Not hers.
The man of my dreams whispers sweet-nothings in MY ears. Not hers.
The man of my dreams gets introduced to MY family. Not hers.
Never once when I was younger did I dream about a man who I had to prove myself to or fight for.
Never once did I dream about a man who I had to beg to "pick me! pick me!"
These girls should really step back and look at this man and his character.
On one eposide, Ben (the prize to be won) had 2 girls on a date. (seriously?!?!? That's just sick.)
One of the girls was going to be rewarded with a rose at the end of the date.... for I guess being the better girlfriend to Ben.
Ben stands in front of them both, holding the rose in his hand.
The girls are looking at him like lost puppies..... begging for the rose.
He walks toward one girl, and askes her to "please come with me".
The girls eyes light up, she smiles, takes his hand, and they walk off to a privet spot on the beach.
Once they are all alone, he looks at her and tells her.....
this rose isn't for you.
What a dick.
What an asshole.
To humiliate that girl like that. To get her hopes up. To trick her like that. What kind of "prince charming" does that?
He then leaves her standing there...alone on the beach... as he walks back to the other girl, hands her the rose, kisses her, hugs her, and they walk off in the sunset together.
where just minutes ago, he was telling the other girl, the girl he just humiliated, how much he liked her.
WTF dude? !?
THAT is the man of your dreams?!
BASS- TURD (yes I know its spelled wrong)
Lets switch gears..... the "reality" of this show is a joke.
These dates? bahahahah.
How about taco bell and putt-putt? What about shopping at the mall, eating at the food court, and then kissing goodnight in the car?
Who rents out the Braves stadium for a date? Who makes a reservation for a table at the top of the effile tower? Who kisses under a waterfall in Jamacia then swims with dolphins.... ON A DATE?!?!
And can I mention that there is never any food on these dates. If a date dosent involve food..... it sucks.
Come on.... do these girls think this is real life? I hope not. I really hope not.
Lets think about their appearance.....
The clothes they wear? They way they always look flawless? How they all have impeccable style and taste? And WHO buys their clothes?!
Can you say "stylist"?
Lets mention where these girls live.....
When Ben has narrowed down his selection to 4 girls..... he gets to travel to their hometowns and meet their families.
This is usually the part when he also gets to go to their homes and see how they live.
All these girls live large! I mean, their homes are styled, trendy, clean, and they actually have real furniture.
I don't know about you, but when I was 22 or 23, I was still using hand-me-down college furniture and had framed pictures on my wall of drunken college nights.
My APARTMENT (not HOUSE) didn't look like a magazine ad for Pier One!
I mean.... I'm well into my 30s and I still trying to figure out my decorating "style".
When these girls talk, I just want to plug my ears and yell really loud to block out the sound of their ridiculousness!
"I love him"
"I'm falling in love"
"He's perfect"
SHUT UP YOU DITZ.
Have you heard him fart yet?
Have you smelled his morning breath yet?
Has he seen you on the toilet?
Have you watched him barf?
Have you seen him clip his toenails?
Has he seen your period stained underware?
Has he seen your legs 2 weeks post shaving?
Has he seen your armpits 2 weeks post shaving?
Have you seen him weep?
Have you done his smelly laundry?
Have you smelled his burps? Has he smelled yours?
Have you seen him in severe pain?
Has he seen you depressed and unable to get out of bed?
Has he seen you worry about paying your light bill or making your next car payment?
Has he gotten angry with you for spending too much money at the mall?
Have you seen him so drunk its disgusting?
Has he seen you after working a 40 hours work week...... while on your period?
Have you seen him absolutely terrified?
Has he ever caught you in a lie?
Have you ever caught him in a lie?
More than once?
Have you not been able to go out on a romantic date for months because money is tight?
Has he seen your nails un-manicured, your make-up off, and you in your stained t-shirt and sweat pants?
Have you seen him gain weight over the years?
Have you watched each other grow and mature?
Has he seen you when your sick?
Has he experienced your bitchy-ness?
Have you experienced him when he is a selfish asshole?
Cause all this WILL HAPPEN.
Hopefully BEFORE marriage.
If you haven't don't these things yet.... of course you love him! If you haven't seen the worst in each other yet, then of course you are both perfect!
If you wanna know if you REALLY love him..... experience all the above first..... and if you still wanna hang out with him, then it might be love.
This stuff isn't shown in the show, is it?
I mena, I know its entertainment. I know its for ratings. I get it.... but still.... "Love" today is so misunderstood.
And Im gonna have to be the one to explain the real truths about love to my kids.... which I would have done anyway, without the help of "The Bachelor" or "Married at First Sight"..... but these "reality" shows don't help out with parenting at all.
Ugh.... Ive got a lot of work cut out for me...... thank you TV for making my job as a parent even more difficult that it already is. Seriously..... thank you.
I've watched this show, on and off, for years.
I've never really taken this show too seriously, but I have always enjoyed the guilty pleasure of following it.
Until now.
It wasn't until last night, when I was watching the most current episode, that I suddenly realized the total stupidity of this show.
It suddenly hit me that this show is disgusting.
Humorous.
A total joke.
Get a bunch of girls together and have them compete for the love of one man. And according to the contestants and the man himself..... the love that is being fought for is....real. Real love.
REAL love is not something I would EVER want to compete for. I'll compete for money, material items, vacations, bragging rights, self-motivation, tickets to see Céline Dion..... but not for love.
First off..... Ceceilia Grace....... if you EVER "compete" with another girl for the love of one man, I'll kill you.
NEWSFLASH........ A strong, confident, smart woman should never have to compete with anyone for anything.... let alone the love of another human being.
The girls on this show last night pissed me off. These girls actually break my heart. I hate the fact that some of these girls are idolized. I hate the fact that the "prize" that they are all competiting for is also idolized.
One girl said, "He is the man of my dreams. He is the one I've been waiting for my entire life. He is the type of man I want my dad to give me away to."
Who exactly is the man of your dreams?
A man who cheats? A man who lies? A man who tells another woman besides you :I love you"? A man who is incredible at "playing the game"? THAT is the man of your dreams?
The man of my dreams kisses ME. Not her.
The man of my dreams holds ME. Not her.
The man of my dreams looks deep into MY eyes. Not hers.
The man of my dreams whispers sweet-nothings in MY ears. Not hers.
The man of my dreams gets introduced to MY family. Not hers.
Never once when I was younger did I dream about a man who I had to prove myself to or fight for.
Never once did I dream about a man who I had to beg to "pick me! pick me!"
These girls should really step back and look at this man and his character.
On one eposide, Ben (the prize to be won) had 2 girls on a date. (seriously?!?!? That's just sick.)
One of the girls was going to be rewarded with a rose at the end of the date.... for I guess being the better girlfriend to Ben.
Ben stands in front of them both, holding the rose in his hand.
The girls are looking at him like lost puppies..... begging for the rose.
He walks toward one girl, and askes her to "please come with me".
The girls eyes light up, she smiles, takes his hand, and they walk off to a privet spot on the beach.
Once they are all alone, he looks at her and tells her.....
this rose isn't for you.
What a dick.
What an asshole.
To humiliate that girl like that. To get her hopes up. To trick her like that. What kind of "prince charming" does that?
He then leaves her standing there...alone on the beach... as he walks back to the other girl, hands her the rose, kisses her, hugs her, and they walk off in the sunset together.
where just minutes ago, he was telling the other girl, the girl he just humiliated, how much he liked her.
WTF dude? !?
THAT is the man of your dreams?!
BASS- TURD (yes I know its spelled wrong)
Lets switch gears..... the "reality" of this show is a joke.
These dates? bahahahah.
How about taco bell and putt-putt? What about shopping at the mall, eating at the food court, and then kissing goodnight in the car?
Who rents out the Braves stadium for a date? Who makes a reservation for a table at the top of the effile tower? Who kisses under a waterfall in Jamacia then swims with dolphins.... ON A DATE?!?!
And can I mention that there is never any food on these dates. If a date dosent involve food..... it sucks.
Come on.... do these girls think this is real life? I hope not. I really hope not.
Lets think about their appearance.....
The clothes they wear? They way they always look flawless? How they all have impeccable style and taste? And WHO buys their clothes?!
Can you say "stylist"?
Lets mention where these girls live.....
When Ben has narrowed down his selection to 4 girls..... he gets to travel to their hometowns and meet their families.
This is usually the part when he also gets to go to their homes and see how they live.
All these girls live large! I mean, their homes are styled, trendy, clean, and they actually have real furniture.
I don't know about you, but when I was 22 or 23, I was still using hand-me-down college furniture and had framed pictures on my wall of drunken college nights.
My APARTMENT (not HOUSE) didn't look like a magazine ad for Pier One!
I mean.... I'm well into my 30s and I still trying to figure out my decorating "style".
When these girls talk, I just want to plug my ears and yell really loud to block out the sound of their ridiculousness!
"I love him"
"I'm falling in love"
"He's perfect"
SHUT UP YOU DITZ.
Have you heard him fart yet?
Have you smelled his morning breath yet?
Has he seen you on the toilet?
Have you watched him barf?
Have you seen him clip his toenails?
Has he seen your period stained underware?
Has he seen your legs 2 weeks post shaving?
Has he seen your armpits 2 weeks post shaving?
Have you seen him weep?
Have you done his smelly laundry?
Have you smelled his burps? Has he smelled yours?
Have you seen him in severe pain?
Has he seen you depressed and unable to get out of bed?
Has he seen you worry about paying your light bill or making your next car payment?
Has he gotten angry with you for spending too much money at the mall?
Have you seen him so drunk its disgusting?
Has he seen you after working a 40 hours work week...... while on your period?
Have you seen him absolutely terrified?
Has he ever caught you in a lie?
Have you ever caught him in a lie?
More than once?
Have you not been able to go out on a romantic date for months because money is tight?
Has he seen your nails un-manicured, your make-up off, and you in your stained t-shirt and sweat pants?
Have you seen him gain weight over the years?
Have you watched each other grow and mature?
Has he seen you when your sick?
Has he experienced your bitchy-ness?
Have you experienced him when he is a selfish asshole?
Cause all this WILL HAPPEN.
Hopefully BEFORE marriage.
If you haven't don't these things yet.... of course you love him! If you haven't seen the worst in each other yet, then of course you are both perfect!
If you wanna know if you REALLY love him..... experience all the above first..... and if you still wanna hang out with him, then it might be love.
This stuff isn't shown in the show, is it?
I mena, I know its entertainment. I know its for ratings. I get it.... but still.... "Love" today is so misunderstood.
And Im gonna have to be the one to explain the real truths about love to my kids.... which I would have done anyway, without the help of "The Bachelor" or "Married at First Sight"..... but these "reality" shows don't help out with parenting at all.
Ugh.... Ive got a lot of work cut out for me...... thank you TV for making my job as a parent even more difficult that it already is. Seriously..... thank you.
Netflix, Nonsense, Needs, and Never Again.
Netflix
Breaking Bad
Orange is the New Black
The Walking Dead
Chelsea Does
How to Make a Murderer
Lost
Prison Break
Tiny: A Story About Living Small
The Killing
Lie to Me
Heart of Dixie
Broadchurch
The Dark Matter of Love
Fame High
The Hundred
My Brothers Keeper
First Comes Love
Super Size Me
American Horror Story
Gossip Girl
Scandal
Gilmore Girls
Nonsense
My family drama
Donald Trump
Dieting
Thongs
Hilary Clinton
Book Banning
Math
Salary of professional sports players
Affairs
Lifestyle of the Real Housewives
Justice System
Farrah from Teen Mom
The Fox and The Hound
Assholes
Kate Gosslin
Being "too busy"
Teacher Salaries
Reading a book for pleasure
My weight
Long runs on a school day
Needs
New water bottle
Jeans
Wine
Fringe booties
Bedroom curtains
Coffee Creamer
Hallway rugs
Sleep
Ice cream
Exercise
Friendships
God
Pedicure
Manicure
Diet Coke
Vacations
Goals
Laughter
Money
Approval
Sleep
Reassurance
Blue Moon
New left knee
Detox Tea
Sleep
Chocolate
Make-up
Babysitters
Vanilla Frozen Greek Yogurt
Never Again
Rosie
Half Marathon without training
Going to the beach 10 days after giving birth
Trying to drive all night
Teach "The Lord of the Flies"
Drunk Dial
Go to a golf tournament with Toby
Go too "cool" on my blonde highlights
Have bangs
Be pregnat
Get pregnant
Try to stop taking anti-depressants
Freedom Writers
Move
Wear spanx
Read in the car
Use the excuse "young and dumb"
Allow Leo to have a camera while I'm taking a shower
Assume...... anything
Trust a duck
Eat Las Vegas Buffet
Go to Put-in-Bay with Katie
Boogie Board
Melt "orange buttercream" wax cubes at work
Get acrylic nails
Long run on a school day
Breaking Bad
Orange is the New Black
The Walking Dead
Chelsea Does
How to Make a Murderer
Lost
Prison Break
Tiny: A Story About Living Small
The Killing
Lie to Me
Heart of Dixie
Broadchurch
The Dark Matter of Love
Fame High
The Hundred
My Brothers Keeper
First Comes Love
Super Size Me
American Horror Story
Gossip Girl
Scandal
Gilmore Girls
Nonsense
My family drama
Donald Trump
Dieting
Thongs
Hilary Clinton
Book Banning
Math
Salary of professional sports players
Affairs
Lifestyle of the Real Housewives
Justice System
Farrah from Teen Mom
The Fox and The Hound
Assholes
Kate Gosslin
Being "too busy"
Teacher Salaries
Reading a book for pleasure
My weight
Long runs on a school day
Needs
New water bottle
Jeans
Wine
Fringe booties
Bedroom curtains
Coffee Creamer
Hallway rugs
Sleep
Ice cream
Exercise
Friendships
God
Pedicure
Manicure
Diet Coke
Vacations
Goals
Laughter
Money
Approval
Sleep
Reassurance
Blue Moon
New left knee
Detox Tea
Sleep
Chocolate
Make-up
Babysitters
Vanilla Frozen Greek Yogurt
Never Again
Rosie
Half Marathon without training
Going to the beach 10 days after giving birth
Trying to drive all night
Teach "The Lord of the Flies"
Drunk Dial
Go to a golf tournament with Toby
Go too "cool" on my blonde highlights
Have bangs
Be pregnat
Get pregnant
Try to stop taking anti-depressants
Freedom Writers
Move
Wear spanx
Read in the car
Use the excuse "young and dumb"
Allow Leo to have a camera while I'm taking a shower
Assume...... anything
Trust a duck
Eat Las Vegas Buffet
Go to Put-in-Bay with Katie
Boogie Board
Melt "orange buttercream" wax cubes at work
Get acrylic nails
Long run on a school day
Friday, February 19, 2016
Just Like Me.
Cece......is just like me......
Her sweet tooth
Her willingness to try any food item at least once. (and usually likes it)
Her excitement for "dinner time!"
Her constant smile
Her round face
Her love for gift giving
Her bossy-ness
How she loves to please people
Her terrible ability to lie
Sweet as pie, but can be mean as a snake
She's a Leo
Her obsession with make-up, perfume, finger "paint polish", high heels, and jewelry
Her love for sleep and ability to never fight it
How she hates to race.... or compete....
Her love of dance (ballet) and preforming
Her love for female singers who can really belt out a good tune
Her love for puppies and kitties
Her desire for acceptance
How easily she gets her feelings hurt
Her 'tude and how she pops her hip out to the side when she stands
When she grunts and sighs when shes annoyed
Her easy personality and how easy it is to please her
Her constant need to tell people she loves them
Her fear of people dying
When she knows she did something bad, but tries to pretend likes "its all good"
Her fear of spiders and bees
Her lack of balance
Her detest of the movie "Fox and the Hound" and "Dumbo"
Her desire to be included
Her long fingers
Her constant talking and chattering
Her enjoyment of looking at herself in a mirror
Her love of baby dolls
Her lack of interest in playing outside when its too hot or too cold
Her constant want for a snack
Leo..... is just like me......
His love for Christmas
His excitement for birthdays
His affection
Obsession for TV
His chubby cheeks
His love of God and uncertainty of Heaven
His love of the Hulk
His dred of school work
His abundance of sympathy
His love for gift giving
His ability to play with anyone
His uncanny ability to get whatever he wants
His lack of shyness
His questions about God
His humor.... at age 4 is already dry and sarcastic
His desire to be the center of attention
His need to want to make people laugh
His 2,000 facial expressions
Sweet as pie, but can be mean as a snake
His interest in gross, slimy, scary things
His cubby feet
His hair color
His excitement for hotels and slumber parties
How he is very understanding
His constant want for a snack
His love of milk
His ability to "not hear you" at certain times
His name is "Leo" and my horoscope is too
Love of surprises and rewards
Her sweet tooth
Her willingness to try any food item at least once. (and usually likes it)
Her excitement for "dinner time!"
Her constant smile
Her round face
Her love for gift giving
Her bossy-ness
How she loves to please people
Her terrible ability to lie
Sweet as pie, but can be mean as a snake
She's a Leo
Her obsession with make-up, perfume, finger "paint polish", high heels, and jewelry
Her love for sleep and ability to never fight it
How she hates to race.... or compete....
Her love of dance (ballet) and preforming
Her love for female singers who can really belt out a good tune
Her love for puppies and kitties
Her desire for acceptance
How easily she gets her feelings hurt
Her 'tude and how she pops her hip out to the side when she stands
When she grunts and sighs when shes annoyed
Her easy personality and how easy it is to please her
Her constant need to tell people she loves them
Her fear of people dying
When she knows she did something bad, but tries to pretend likes "its all good"
Her fear of spiders and bees
Her lack of balance
Her detest of the movie "Fox and the Hound" and "Dumbo"
Her desire to be included
Her long fingers
Her constant talking and chattering
Her enjoyment of looking at herself in a mirror
Her love of baby dolls
Her lack of interest in playing outside when its too hot or too cold
Her constant want for a snack
Leo..... is just like me......
His love for Christmas
His excitement for birthdays
His affection
Obsession for TV
His chubby cheeks
His love of God and uncertainty of Heaven
His love of the Hulk
His dred of school work
His abundance of sympathy
His love for gift giving
His ability to play with anyone
His uncanny ability to get whatever he wants
His lack of shyness
His questions about God
His humor.... at age 4 is already dry and sarcastic
His desire to be the center of attention
His need to want to make people laugh
His 2,000 facial expressions
Sweet as pie, but can be mean as a snake
His interest in gross, slimy, scary things
His cubby feet
His hair color
His excitement for hotels and slumber parties
How he is very understanding
His constant want for a snack
His love of milk
His ability to "not hear you" at certain times
His name is "Leo" and my horoscope is too
Love of surprises and rewards
It's Just Business. Or is it?
Disclaimer: I apologize in advance if anyone feels like I am targeting them specifically. I am not focusing on any one person in general.... more of a mix of people throughout the last few years.
For the past 3 years, I've owned my own business.
For anyone who has ever owned their own business, then they know what a giant leap of faith it is to fully make THAT kind of commitment.
For anyone who has never owned their own business, they have no idea how much of a giant of faith it is to make THAT kind of commitment.
It took me a while to decide to start "selling Premier".
I have worn Premier Designs Jewelry for years and have always (and still do!) LOVED their jewelry.
In 2013, I was in a stage of my life where I needed an income.
Toby and I had just (suddenly) made a HUGE life change and moved our family of 4 to OH from SC. We had no house and no jobs, but we moved anyway. (it was one of the best decisions we have ever made... by the way.... and I don't regret it for a second!)
At that point in my life I was forced to substitute teach for the remainder of the 2013-2014 school year. As a 12 year veteran teacher, subbing was NOT something that I was excited to do.
AT ALL.
So, since my income drastically plummeted and my passion for my job was at an all-time low, I desperately needed something to keep me occupied (and financially stable) until the next school year.
Premier Designs it was.
God sent me what I had been asking Him for. He sent me an answer. Premier was my answer.
First off.... let me mention that I ADORE this company!
Premier Designs is founded on strong Christian values and morals and they are AMAZING to work with!
My goals of being financially stable and emotionally happy and satisfied with my "job" had been filled......... until I could get back into a classroom.
I've been involved with Premier for 3 years now and I have made well over $5,000 in EXTRA money and have been able to donate over $2,000 to various groups, charities', and families in need.
Complain I cannot.
I have meet some amazing people who I never would have had the opportunity of meeting, if it were not for my involvement in Premier.
I have realized things about myself that I have learned to love.....
I have so much more confidence in myself (physically and professionally), I can communicate with people better, I have become more organized and driven, I have been proud of myself so many times, I have learned to take more time in my appearance and I have a new passion for accessorizing!
I have found complete joy and bliss in giving people things and getting absolutely nothing in return.
My relationship with God has strengthened and grown in ways I never would have imagined.
Premier Designs has done amazing things for me.... but sometimes I really regret taking that "giant leap of faith"...... and let me tell you why.
Sidenote: I'm not a "quitter" or a "failure". I'm CONSIDERING not renewing with Premier after 3 years, but not because I wasn't successful.
Don't get it twisted.
I was (am) very successful at creating my business. I made (am making) money. I was (am) good at it. When I put my mind to something, I do it and do it well. I started this business and I made it work.
In fact... I could have really taken my business farther than I ever imagined.... I had PLEN TY of opportunities to expand... but I choose not to.
Just want to put that on the table.
The reason I am considering "hanging it up" concerning my jewelry business is because, even though this experience has taught me amazing things, overall, it has also taught me things that disturb me to my core.
Since starting this business, I have seen sides of people that I never knew existed. Sides of people who are very close to me......very close. Not strangers..... serious, lifelong acquaintances.
Since starting this business, A LOT of my relationships with A LOT of people have REALLY changed. Some of these people have no idea or are totally unaware that our relationship has changed... but it has. My eyes have really been opened to the harsh reality of where I stand with people and I've come to realize that I am not as important to certain people as I thought I was.
This is a heart breaking feeling.
If you've ever experienced this you know what I'm talking about.
There are people in my life who I honestly thought would "walk through fire" for me.
People who I thought would "have my back", "support me through thick and thin", "be there for me", and "do whatever they could to help".
Come to find out, some people really won't.
I guess you could say that maybe I took myself too seriously. Maybe I thought too much of myself to think that certain people would "do anything" for me.
I guess now I know, huh?
Getting started in this business (in ANY business) is the hardest part. Its also the most important part. You need help. You need support. You need to be built up and encouraged and you need your ego stroked. (FYI..... NONE of these things involve spending ANY money!)
Since my career with Premier is as successful as it is, its safe to say that I had a great start!
I had awesome support, guidance, and encouragement! I had people who were my biggest cheerleaders and who helped boost my confidence when it was getting low! I had people reach out to me and ask "what can I do to help?". I had people step out of their comfort zone... for me!
These people.......... Jean O., Jill O., Katie P, Jean R. , Laura R., Becky R., Ginger, Tabby, Ashley R., Cathy W., Leslie T., Becca S.........what they did for me concerning by business is just plain awesome.
I don't know if they realize how much they helped me when I needed it or how much it meant to me that they said "yes" when I asked for their support.
To all of you listed above... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for doing what you did. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.
Unfortunately there are some names that I totally assumed would be there and were not.
"Do you think you can help me get a running start with my new business and invite a few girls over so I can practice giving an official show??" was a question I asked my closest friends and family in the beginning.
People who I (thought) I'd be comfortable speaking in front of and wanted to see me and this business succeed.
Some people bluntly and without hesitation said "no".
Some people said "yeah sure! whatever you need!"... then avoided me like the plague.
Some people ignored the sh*t outta me. (that one hurts the most)
Surprisingly, a handful of my biggest supporters were people who came outta nowhere.
One girl, who instantly agreed (without hesitation) to be one of my very first shows, was a previous student from 2002! I taught her when she was a little 7th grader and here she was.... coming out of no where, offering me her living room and a few of her friends to listen to my "jewelry speech".
That's all it took. A couple hours and a couple friends.
From her show alone, I was able to fill up my entire summer with shows..... one booking led to another, then other, than another....... Funny isn't it?
She probably had no idea how much she meant to me during that time. And still does. Thank- you, Tabby! You're sweet girl! (and eventually Nikki and Kayla!)
Anyway.... I've never felt more ignored or unimportant in my life. My feeling were seriously hurt from day 1.
Yes I was (am) successful.
Yes I met my personal goals.
Yes I love doing it and have fun at the same time.
But is it really worth the pain and disappointment and hurt I feel in my gut toward people who I thought honestly cared about me? Not so sure...
I just don't think I can be ignored by people anymore. Ignored specifically by people who I'd least expect to ignore me.
I don't want to feel annoying to people anymore. I feel like these people ignore me because they are annoyed by me. That doesn't feel good.
Am I going to miss the extra "fun money" that Premier provided me with? Am I going to really miss donating my profits to people and groups who need it more than me? Am I going to miss meeting really cool women? Am I going to miss the challenge that having my own business presents me? Am I going to miss the extra confidence boost I get from this business? Am I going to miss working with all the amazing, God-sent people, who I have been blessed to know through this business?
Most defiantly.
But, I want this feeling in my gut and in my heart to stop.
I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt by people who are important to me.
I'm tired of the rejection.
I'm tired of sending messages to 68 people and having not one single person respond. That hurts.
I'm tired of sending out a mass text message to 35 PERSONAL contacts and having everyone but 3 people completely and totally ignore me.... like I never sent it
I'm tired of planning events and sending out invitations only to be waiting for someone, anyone, to show up.
If people are not interested in what I'm selling or not interested in attending an event or simply cannot attend due to prior commitments..... I'm fine with that. I understand that. People are busy, people are broke, people just aren't into jewelry. I totally get it.
But, what I don't understand is brushing me off like I don't matter.
Ignoring my messages, invites, and letters.
Maybe it's just simple etiquette.... maybe people just aren't as polite as I thought they were.
Maybe.
The phrase "every man for himself" makes sense to me now.
Am I mad about it?
No. "Mad" may not be the correct term to use...... I've learned a lot, that's for sure.
I guess I'm thankful to know where I really stand with people.
I'm still unsure if I am re-newing with Premier or not.
I have til April to decide.
But, I'm tired of these feelings that I've been feeling and if Dr. Phil were to ask me, "How's it workin for ya?" I'd have to respond with.... it's not.
I may be ending the "personal business" chapter of my life.
Not because the sales business is not my thing..... because I really am a good sales gal. I love sales and I love jewelry and I love socializing. I love this business and the company that runs it. I may be ending this chapter cause I can't get over certain things that happened early on in my "jewelry career". I cant get past the rejection that comes with this "job". Maybe I'm taking things way too personally..... I'm sure I am......... but it's the way I feel.
Maybe this was God's way of showing me peoples "true colors"?
Mission complete, God. I see it now. It may have hurt and it may be sad.... but I know now. And I'm glad I do.
For the past 3 years, I've owned my own business.
For anyone who has ever owned their own business, then they know what a giant leap of faith it is to fully make THAT kind of commitment.
For anyone who has never owned their own business, they have no idea how much of a giant of faith it is to make THAT kind of commitment.
It took me a while to decide to start "selling Premier".
I have worn Premier Designs Jewelry for years and have always (and still do!) LOVED their jewelry.
In 2013, I was in a stage of my life where I needed an income.
Toby and I had just (suddenly) made a HUGE life change and moved our family of 4 to OH from SC. We had no house and no jobs, but we moved anyway. (it was one of the best decisions we have ever made... by the way.... and I don't regret it for a second!)
At that point in my life I was forced to substitute teach for the remainder of the 2013-2014 school year. As a 12 year veteran teacher, subbing was NOT something that I was excited to do.
AT ALL.
So, since my income drastically plummeted and my passion for my job was at an all-time low, I desperately needed something to keep me occupied (and financially stable) until the next school year.
Premier Designs it was.
God sent me what I had been asking Him for. He sent me an answer. Premier was my answer.
First off.... let me mention that I ADORE this company!
Premier Designs is founded on strong Christian values and morals and they are AMAZING to work with!
My goals of being financially stable and emotionally happy and satisfied with my "job" had been filled......... until I could get back into a classroom.
I've been involved with Premier for 3 years now and I have made well over $5,000 in EXTRA money and have been able to donate over $2,000 to various groups, charities', and families in need.
Complain I cannot.
I have meet some amazing people who I never would have had the opportunity of meeting, if it were not for my involvement in Premier.
I have realized things about myself that I have learned to love.....
I have so much more confidence in myself (physically and professionally), I can communicate with people better, I have become more organized and driven, I have been proud of myself so many times, I have learned to take more time in my appearance and I have a new passion for accessorizing!
I have found complete joy and bliss in giving people things and getting absolutely nothing in return.
My relationship with God has strengthened and grown in ways I never would have imagined.
Premier Designs has done amazing things for me.... but sometimes I really regret taking that "giant leap of faith"...... and let me tell you why.
Sidenote: I'm not a "quitter" or a "failure". I'm CONSIDERING not renewing with Premier after 3 years, but not because I wasn't successful.
Don't get it twisted.
I was (am) very successful at creating my business. I made (am making) money. I was (am) good at it. When I put my mind to something, I do it and do it well. I started this business and I made it work.
In fact... I could have really taken my business farther than I ever imagined.... I had PLEN TY of opportunities to expand... but I choose not to.
Just want to put that on the table.
The reason I am considering "hanging it up" concerning my jewelry business is because, even though this experience has taught me amazing things, overall, it has also taught me things that disturb me to my core.
Since starting this business, I have seen sides of people that I never knew existed. Sides of people who are very close to me......very close. Not strangers..... serious, lifelong acquaintances.
Since starting this business, A LOT of my relationships with A LOT of people have REALLY changed. Some of these people have no idea or are totally unaware that our relationship has changed... but it has. My eyes have really been opened to the harsh reality of where I stand with people and I've come to realize that I am not as important to certain people as I thought I was.
This is a heart breaking feeling.
If you've ever experienced this you know what I'm talking about.
There are people in my life who I honestly thought would "walk through fire" for me.
People who I thought would "have my back", "support me through thick and thin", "be there for me", and "do whatever they could to help".
Come to find out, some people really won't.
I guess you could say that maybe I took myself too seriously. Maybe I thought too much of myself to think that certain people would "do anything" for me.
I guess now I know, huh?
Getting started in this business (in ANY business) is the hardest part. Its also the most important part. You need help. You need support. You need to be built up and encouraged and you need your ego stroked. (FYI..... NONE of these things involve spending ANY money!)
Since my career with Premier is as successful as it is, its safe to say that I had a great start!
I had awesome support, guidance, and encouragement! I had people who were my biggest cheerleaders and who helped boost my confidence when it was getting low! I had people reach out to me and ask "what can I do to help?". I had people step out of their comfort zone... for me!
These people.......... Jean O., Jill O., Katie P, Jean R. , Laura R., Becky R., Ginger, Tabby, Ashley R., Cathy W., Leslie T., Becca S.........what they did for me concerning by business is just plain awesome.
I don't know if they realize how much they helped me when I needed it or how much it meant to me that they said "yes" when I asked for their support.
To all of you listed above... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for doing what you did. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.
Unfortunately there are some names that I totally assumed would be there and were not.
"Do you think you can help me get a running start with my new business and invite a few girls over so I can practice giving an official show??" was a question I asked my closest friends and family in the beginning.
People who I (thought) I'd be comfortable speaking in front of and wanted to see me and this business succeed.
Some people bluntly and without hesitation said "no".
Some people said "yeah sure! whatever you need!"... then avoided me like the plague.
Surprisingly, a handful of my biggest supporters were people who came outta nowhere.
One girl, who instantly agreed (without hesitation) to be one of my very first shows, was a previous student from 2002! I taught her when she was a little 7th grader and here she was.... coming out of no where, offering me her living room and a few of her friends to listen to my "jewelry speech".
That's all it took. A couple hours and a couple friends.
From her show alone, I was able to fill up my entire summer with shows..... one booking led to another, then other, than another....... Funny isn't it?
She probably had no idea how much she meant to me during that time. And still does. Thank- you, Tabby! You're sweet girl! (and eventually Nikki and Kayla!)
Anyway.... I've never felt more ignored or unimportant in my life. My feeling were seriously hurt from day 1.
Yes I was (am) successful.
Yes I met my personal goals.
Yes I love doing it and have fun at the same time.
But is it really worth the pain and disappointment and hurt I feel in my gut toward people who I thought honestly cared about me? Not so sure...
I just don't think I can be ignored by people anymore. Ignored specifically by people who I'd least expect to ignore me.
I don't want to feel annoying to people anymore. I feel like these people ignore me because they are annoyed by me. That doesn't feel good.
Am I going to miss the extra "fun money" that Premier provided me with? Am I going to really miss donating my profits to people and groups who need it more than me? Am I going to miss meeting really cool women? Am I going to miss the challenge that having my own business presents me? Am I going to miss the extra confidence boost I get from this business? Am I going to miss working with all the amazing, God-sent people, who I have been blessed to know through this business?
Most defiantly.
But, I want this feeling in my gut and in my heart to stop.
I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt by people who are important to me.
I'm tired of the rejection.
I'm tired of sending messages to 68 people and having not one single person respond. That hurts.
I'm tired of sending out a mass text message to 35 PERSONAL contacts and having everyone but 3 people completely and totally ignore me.... like I never sent it
I'm tired of planning events and sending out invitations only to be waiting for someone, anyone, to show up.
If people are not interested in what I'm selling or not interested in attending an event or simply cannot attend due to prior commitments..... I'm fine with that. I understand that. People are busy, people are broke, people just aren't into jewelry. I totally get it.
But, what I don't understand is brushing me off like I don't matter.
Ignoring my messages, invites, and letters.
Maybe it's just simple etiquette.... maybe people just aren't as polite as I thought they were.
Maybe.
The phrase "every man for himself" makes sense to me now.
Am I mad about it?
No. "Mad" may not be the correct term to use...... I've learned a lot, that's for sure.
I guess I'm thankful to know where I really stand with people.
I'm still unsure if I am re-newing with Premier or not.
I have til April to decide.
But, I'm tired of these feelings that I've been feeling and if Dr. Phil were to ask me, "How's it workin for ya?" I'd have to respond with.... it's not.
I may be ending the "personal business" chapter of my life.
Not because the sales business is not my thing..... because I really am a good sales gal. I love sales and I love jewelry and I love socializing. I love this business and the company that runs it. I may be ending this chapter cause I can't get over certain things that happened early on in my "jewelry career". I cant get past the rejection that comes with this "job". Maybe I'm taking things way too personally..... I'm sure I am......... but it's the way I feel.
Maybe this was God's way of showing me peoples "true colors"?
Mission complete, God. I see it now. It may have hurt and it may be sad.... but I know now. And I'm glad I do.
The Struggle is REAL
Depression.
It exists.
Not for everyone.... lucky a$$holes.
I think everyone who experiences depression of some sort, experiences it differently than others.
I also think that depression runs in families.
I also think that TONS of people are in denial about having/experiencing depression.
Depression for me comes in waves. I never really experienced depression until I had kids. Post-pardum depression hit me like a mac truck. It hit me so hard I didn't even know what was happening.
What happened? Well.... I just cried. and cried. and cried. Why? No clue. Probably because I had just brought a brand new human into my life and it was much more than a dog. I guess the responsibility and change overwhelmed me. I've said this before.... but the second Leo was born....everything changed.
I feel like when you know something is wrong, you need to acknowledge it and fix it.
That's exactly what I did.
I did not, for one second, try to hide the fact that I was feeling like this. I don't know why some people do. I didn't like feeling like that.... plain and simple,,,,,, so no way in hell was I going to continue to live like that. I told Toby to call my doctor and he did. WHy didn't I call the doctor myself? I honestly couldn't speak. Cause I was crying. Ridiculous and beyond my control. I got medicine and within a few days.... I honestly felt back to my old self.
Its amazing.
After that, things were seriously fine. We sdjusted to parenthood fine and life rolled on. Then we welcomed Cece and I was able to totally avoid postpardum this time around.
But, just because I was not on medicine and just because I hadn't experienced "those feelings" in a long time.... didn't mean I was "cured".
I don't think anyone can be cured of depression.
My depression came back in waves.
I know when it hits me when:
1. I get very tired. All I want to do it lay in bed and sleep., Yet..... I cant fall asleep. My body is tired, my eyes are tired, my mind is tired.... yet sleep is impossible to get.
2. house starts to slowly fall apart or I get behind on laundry or housework. The dishes pile up, nothing gets picked up, the beds do not get made.... these are all things that I normally keep up on. Sometimes when we just have a busy week and I honestly just don't have a chance to get things done, all of the above can actually lead to depression, not happen because of it. Thankfully I have a mother-in-law that helps me with this. God bless her soul.
3. being silent is soooooooooooo much easier than talking.
4. I eat like psyco. Like digusting. Junk food that I don't even like.... I can't get enough of it. I once ate an entire pack of Oreos in 2 days and on entire gallon of Greek Frozen Yogurt in 2 days. Sick. Which then leads me to feeling guilty. And chubby. And weak. And crazy.
Being in a depression dosent mean that I hate everyone or am angry at the world. In fact, when I am in this certain state of mind I have no feelings at all. Someone could die and it would be impossible for me to squeeze out a tear. My emotions are abset and I'm just....... there........ feeling nothing. It sucks.
When I'm depressed it dosent mean that I'm ungrateful or spoiled or am "pouting" because I didn't get something I wanted. Those things don't even cross my mind.
Something can push me into a depression..... a death, a change in routine or schedule, an unexpected event (positive or negative), an upcoming event (positive or negative), or absolutely nothing at all.
When I get depressed I become very lazy. I'm not depressed because I am lazy. And when I'm being lazy I'm totally aware of it. and I hate it.
I'm completely aware of the fact that depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain and I have no control when it hits me or not.
Medicine helps, but doesn't make it go away. When a wave of depression hits me or I feel lurking in the shadows like a creepy stalker, I usually just give in to it. I know it wont last long (cause I take medicine) and I use it as a chance for my body and brain to tell me to re-effing-lax. I use it as a couple days to "take a time out" from life to get back in gear. I handle it.
I know it's OK to have moments when my depression gets the best of me and I'm educated enough to know that it dosent mean I am a weak person, lazy, dramatic, or crazy in general. I am only those things for a few days or so. lol
I have no problem admitting I take anti-depressants. In fact, I feel stronger admitting it.
A weak person would refuse medicine.
Some people are not educated about it and therefore are ignorant a$$holes who need to practice grace and acceptance.
Here's some bonus points for "being me"........ sometimes when I'm depressed, its not cause I'm sad or "blue".... sometimes I get overly excited or happy and it causes me to do things that are not normal.
I'll make soooooo many plans with people that there is no way I have time for them all and will end up cancelling almost everytime.
Sometimes I will be overly affectionate or treat people like they are my BFF, when in reality I barely know them.
Overall, the struggle IS real. Its MY struggle. I love the fact that I can deal with it and live my life in spite of it. I hate when people "put up with" depression. They ignore it or let it win. They give in and waste their lives being miserable.
If you are depressed or think you may be depressed...... get over yourself and go to your doctor. Fix it and stop wasting life.
Handle it. Get control of it.
You get ONE life,. Don't live it like a depressed sack of shit. (was that harsh?) That's what I tell myself anyway. And it works.
As Olivia Pope would say...... "It's handled".
It exists.
Not for everyone.... lucky a$$holes.
I think everyone who experiences depression of some sort, experiences it differently than others.
I also think that depression runs in families.
I also think that TONS of people are in denial about having/experiencing depression.
Depression for me comes in waves. I never really experienced depression until I had kids. Post-pardum depression hit me like a mac truck. It hit me so hard I didn't even know what was happening.
What happened? Well.... I just cried. and cried. and cried. Why? No clue. Probably because I had just brought a brand new human into my life and it was much more than a dog. I guess the responsibility and change overwhelmed me. I've said this before.... but the second Leo was born....everything changed.
I feel like when you know something is wrong, you need to acknowledge it and fix it.
That's exactly what I did.
I did not, for one second, try to hide the fact that I was feeling like this. I don't know why some people do. I didn't like feeling like that.... plain and simple,,,,,, so no way in hell was I going to continue to live like that. I told Toby to call my doctor and he did. WHy didn't I call the doctor myself? I honestly couldn't speak. Cause I was crying. Ridiculous and beyond my control. I got medicine and within a few days.... I honestly felt back to my old self.
Its amazing.
After that, things were seriously fine. We sdjusted to parenthood fine and life rolled on. Then we welcomed Cece and I was able to totally avoid postpardum this time around.
But, just because I was not on medicine and just because I hadn't experienced "those feelings" in a long time.... didn't mean I was "cured".
I don't think anyone can be cured of depression.
My depression came back in waves.
I know when it hits me when:
1. I get very tired. All I want to do it lay in bed and sleep., Yet..... I cant fall asleep. My body is tired, my eyes are tired, my mind is tired.... yet sleep is impossible to get.
2. house starts to slowly fall apart or I get behind on laundry or housework. The dishes pile up, nothing gets picked up, the beds do not get made.... these are all things that I normally keep up on. Sometimes when we just have a busy week and I honestly just don't have a chance to get things done, all of the above can actually lead to depression, not happen because of it. Thankfully I have a mother-in-law that helps me with this. God bless her soul.
3. being silent is soooooooooooo much easier than talking.
4. I eat like psyco. Like digusting. Junk food that I don't even like.... I can't get enough of it. I once ate an entire pack of Oreos in 2 days and on entire gallon of Greek Frozen Yogurt in 2 days. Sick. Which then leads me to feeling guilty. And chubby. And weak. And crazy.
Being in a depression dosent mean that I hate everyone or am angry at the world. In fact, when I am in this certain state of mind I have no feelings at all. Someone could die and it would be impossible for me to squeeze out a tear. My emotions are abset and I'm just....... there........ feeling nothing. It sucks.
When I'm depressed it dosent mean that I'm ungrateful or spoiled or am "pouting" because I didn't get something I wanted. Those things don't even cross my mind.
Something can push me into a depression..... a death, a change in routine or schedule, an unexpected event (positive or negative), an upcoming event (positive or negative), or absolutely nothing at all.
When I get depressed I become very lazy. I'm not depressed because I am lazy. And when I'm being lazy I'm totally aware of it. and I hate it.
I'm completely aware of the fact that depression is a chemical imbalance of the brain and I have no control when it hits me or not.
Medicine helps, but doesn't make it go away. When a wave of depression hits me or I feel lurking in the shadows like a creepy stalker, I usually just give in to it. I know it wont last long (cause I take medicine) and I use it as a chance for my body and brain to tell me to re-effing-lax. I use it as a couple days to "take a time out" from life to get back in gear. I handle it.
I know it's OK to have moments when my depression gets the best of me and I'm educated enough to know that it dosent mean I am a weak person, lazy, dramatic, or crazy in general. I am only those things for a few days or so. lol
I have no problem admitting I take anti-depressants. In fact, I feel stronger admitting it.
A weak person would refuse medicine.
Some people are not educated about it and therefore are ignorant a$$holes who need to practice grace and acceptance.
Here's some bonus points for "being me"........ sometimes when I'm depressed, its not cause I'm sad or "blue".... sometimes I get overly excited or happy and it causes me to do things that are not normal.
I'll make soooooo many plans with people that there is no way I have time for them all and will end up cancelling almost everytime.
Sometimes I will be overly affectionate or treat people like they are my BFF, when in reality I barely know them.
Overall, the struggle IS real. Its MY struggle. I love the fact that I can deal with it and live my life in spite of it. I hate when people "put up with" depression. They ignore it or let it win. They give in and waste their lives being miserable.
If you are depressed or think you may be depressed...... get over yourself and go to your doctor. Fix it and stop wasting life.
Handle it. Get control of it.
You get ONE life,. Don't live it like a depressed sack of shit. (was that harsh?) That's what I tell myself anyway. And it works.
As Olivia Pope would say...... "It's handled".
Thursday, January 28, 2016
In 'dis house
I love these signs....
I remember when I first saw one of these. My first impression was "awe! so sweet!" They became pretty popular and though I never bought one, I always wanted to. I love them, their message, and what they stand for.
I also love the "dream" that it paints.......
Wouldn't it be amazing if these things DID happen in "our house"?
Isn't this what most families aim for? A household that says "Im sorry", "prays together", "helps each other", "laughs together", "forgives" and "tells the truth"
But, when you really think about it... isn't this portrayal of a household slightly................
HILARIOUS?
Why isn't there a sign like this....
In this house....
We fight, verbally and physically
We slam doors and spit on each other
We say "youre not my best friend anymore" and "youre annoying"
We hug each other only when forced to or when we can cop a quick feel
We have royal screw-ups and make each other cry
We are messy slobs
We swear out loud and under our breath
Our beds are un-made, the floor is sticky, our washcloths smell musty, and the trash is overflowing.
In this house we are lazy and we watch TV shows about committing murder and a talking monkey
We eat chocolate chips for breakfast and cottage cheese for dinner
We skip bath time simply because we are too tired to bathe
We push each other, trip each other, smack each other, scare each other on purpose, and tickle each other til someone gets kicked in the face
We laugh at each other when we make mistakes and call each other degrading names, like poopy-butt, nut-job, dirtbag, and asshole
We drink too much alcohol on school nights and go to bed too late
Our iPad's and iphone's demand most of our love and affection and usually get it before anyone else
We read "Hoofbeats", "OK!", and ""Mad" magazine instead of storybooks with happy endings
We all fall asleep in the same bed, but wake up in different ones
We over-fill the washer and sometimes sleep with the front door wide-ass open unlocked
In this house our dog sometimes goes without food and leaves "surprises" for us on the floor
In this house we ignore the dog surprises and wait for someone else to clean it up
We lie through our teeth and keep dirty little secrets
We have nightmare's instead of dreams and we carry grudges
We sometimes forget to brush our teeth, wear mis-matched socks with holes, and our feet stink.
In this house we love each other so damn much and would freakin' die if anything happened to one of us.
Isn't that a little more like your house?
No? Just mine? Ok then. So be it.
I also love the "dream" that it paints.......
Wouldn't it be amazing if these things DID happen in "our house"?
Isn't this what most families aim for? A household that says "Im sorry", "prays together", "helps each other", "laughs together", "forgives" and "tells the truth"
But, when you really think about it... isn't this portrayal of a household slightly................
HILARIOUS?
Why isn't there a sign like this....
In this house....
We fight, verbally and physically
We slam doors and spit on each other
We say "youre not my best friend anymore" and "youre annoying"
We hug each other only when forced to or when we can cop a quick feel
We have royal screw-ups and make each other cry
We are messy slobs
We swear out loud and under our breath
Our beds are un-made, the floor is sticky, our washcloths smell musty, and the trash is overflowing.
In this house we are lazy and we watch TV shows about committing murder and a talking monkey
We eat chocolate chips for breakfast and cottage cheese for dinner
We skip bath time simply because we are too tired to bathe
We push each other, trip each other, smack each other, scare each other on purpose, and tickle each other til someone gets kicked in the face
We laugh at each other when we make mistakes and call each other degrading names, like poopy-butt, nut-job, dirtbag, and asshole
We drink too much alcohol on school nights and go to bed too late
Our iPad's and iphone's demand most of our love and affection and usually get it before anyone else
We read "Hoofbeats", "OK!", and ""Mad" magazine instead of storybooks with happy endings
We all fall asleep in the same bed, but wake up in different ones
We over-fill the washer and sometimes sleep with the front door
In this house our dog sometimes goes without food and leaves "surprises" for us on the floor
In this house we ignore the dog surprises and wait for someone else to clean it up
We lie through our teeth and keep dirty little secrets
We have nightmare's instead of dreams and we carry grudges
We sometimes forget to brush our teeth, wear mis-matched socks with holes, and our feet stink.
In this house we love each other so damn much and would freakin' die if anything happened to one of us.
Isn't that a little more like your house?
No? Just mine? Ok then. So be it.
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