How Much Do You Love Me? (By: Jessica)

Whenever I call my husband and ask him the question, "How much do you love me?", it's normally NOT a good thing.

His answer is usually not something you'd expect. ("I love you so much!" or "I love you so much it hurts" or "I love you a lot")

His answer usually results with him saying "NOT AGAIN!"..... then giving me a lecture.

A lecture about speeding.

Whenever I get a speeding ticket, I call my husband and immediately ask him "How much do you love me???". My last chance attempt to try to "butter him up" before I bring on the disappointment. Kinda like how a child tell's their mom how beautiful she is, right before they present the report card full of C's and D's.

This started as soon as we started sharing money and bank accounts. My money was now his. His money was now mine. My speeding tickets we not just MY problem, they were now his. I was not only hurting myself by wasting my hard earned money on my speeding habit.....I was now wasting his hard earned money as well. When I was solo, on my own, single, free as a bird....I paid my tickets and went on about my day. Now that someone else was involved, it was different. I guess there was more guilt involved.

I don't know how this happens. I don't know how someone (me) can possibly get SO MANY speeding tickets. I swear..... I CANNOT pass a police officer and get away with it. I WILL get pulled over. Believe that. I used to think it was because I drove a red car....and people always say that "red cars attract cops." But, that's not true. I have driven a silver car, a black car, and now a white car. They still flock to me like bee's to honey.

I have actually "locked eyes" with a passing cop before...I swear.... It was like they could read my mind; I'd been caught.....lead-footed! Suddenly, BAM!, here come the blue lights. Never fails.

Maybe police are attracted to me cause I do, in fact, have somewhat of a "lead foot". I can't help it. I have tried. and tried. and tried. Cruise control is my BFF. In fact, I'm so used to cruise control, that when I'm not using it, that's when I speed the most. Maybe using cruise control has hurt me more than it has helped me?

Every time I get pulled over and the cop goes back to his car to "run" my info, I think to myself..."Is this it? Is this the time they are going to haul me off to the big house? Is he going to suspend my licence? Will I have to go to driving school? Will this ticket be the last straw?" Panic takes over and (unfortunately) these thoughts come every time.

When I get pulled over 2 things happen.

Either I expect it.

Or I am TOTALLY taken by surprise.

If I KNOWINGLY pass a cop who is waiting (on me, nonetheless) my routine is to do the following.....
1. Tap the brake.
2. Look in the rear view mirror.
3. Wait for the blue lights.
4. Say a swear word under my breath.
5. Pull over.

If I DO NOT NOTICE the police car or he/she is driving in an un-marked car (which I think is cruel and tricky) my routine is to do the following:
1. Notice the blue lights (after they have been flashing behind me for at least 5 min.)
2. Gasp and tap the break
3. Say a swear word under my breath.
4. Think to myself "WHERE DID HE COME FROM!?!?!?!"
5. Pull over.


Once I am secured safely on the side of the road, my next actions are somewhat robotic....

1. Turn down the radio.
2. Reach into the glove compartment and get insurance and registration.
3. Get out driver's license.
4. Roll down window.
5. Wait for copper to come to ask me "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I may come across to some police officers as cold, short, or bitchy....but usually I'm not really in the mood for a guessing game and don't feel like chatting it up. I normally do not answer the above question and just give them all the info they haven't even asked for yet. (licence, insurance, and registration)

I have NEVER, EVER been pulled over and I didn't know why. I always know why. It's always my fault. I do not deny that. My theory on getting a ticket is similar to that of taking off a band-aid. Just get it over with. Just give me the ticket and let me be on my merry way.

I never cry. Some people tell me this is THE WAY OUT. But, I just can't do it. I'm not a crier normally and I' not good at falsely turning on the tears. I have thought about breaking down and telling the cop that "if he gives me a ticket, my husband will beat me!", but I haven't mustered up the courage to say that.

I only escaped a ticket ONE TIME. I was diving to grad school in Columbia and traffic was NuTs!!! I was speeding, but only to keep up with the rest of the speeding traffic. Anyway- I had my friend, Alaina, in the front seat with me. She is beautiful. And extremely busty.I don't think I need to say any more. Is it a coincidence that I got out of THAT ticket? I think not.

I once got a ticket in MY OWN SUBDIVISION. 2 blocks from my own house. That was an all-time low.

I am in no way proud of my ability to gather speeding tickets. It's embarrassing. I feel like it's my dirty little secret. I'm a "closet speeder". It's something I am working on, whether my husband believes me or not. I really do try to "slow it down". I guess it's just something I need to try harder at. Or maybe it's just something I need to accept. Cops just love me. They can smell me. I will forever be a target. It is what it is.

Sidenote: I have never been in a car accident due to speeding, for the record. I have never been in a car accident, period. (knock on wood) I am a very cautious driver...just a cautious driver at a rapid pace.

P.S. I'm expecting a call or email from my mother after she reads this blog. My speeding addiction is something she is un-aware of. I do not share these details of my life with her. She is prolly sitting at her computer at this very moment, with her mouth hanging open, in total shock, at what her daughter has become. Like I said, it's my dirty little secret. So, Mom, don't worry....at least I'm wearing my seat belt!! xoxox