Mean girl.

I have come to a conclusion.

I am a "mean girl".

I'm a bully.

I pick and pick and pick on the same girl ALL THE TIME. I NEVER give this girl a break. I criticize her. I judge her. I put her under a microscope. I laugh at her. I love her and hate her. I pat her on the back when she deserves it and I kick her when she's down. I have confidence in her and I doubt her all in the same day. The older she gets, the harder I am. When she was younger, I was so good to her.

Why am I so hard on this girl?

Why am I so hard on myself?

I think I've always been a little hard on myself and I think that sometimes that's a good thing. I mean..... sometimes the only person you can rely on is yourself, right?

Sometimes the only person you can trust is yourself.

I think that at times it's good to be tough on yourself. It gives you a little competition. It gives you a challenge. It makes you stronger.

But there are times when you also need to give yourself a break.

Any BOY..... I wish I could give myself a break now more than ever.

I'm sure it's "the hormones". I'm sure it's just "me being pregnant." I'm sure it's just the anticipation and excitement and stress and nervousness that I'm feeling about the huge life change that is quickly approaching. Maybe it's also because I'm a woman and women are SO hard on themselves. (Why is that? Goodness, men have it so easy.) But....wow. I've never been this hard on myself before and I'm driving myself nuts.

As the time approaches for my son to enter this world, I find myself being my biggest critic. I feel like I have this HUGE test coming up and I've studied and studied and studied and I'm still not ready! I mean.... I've had 10 months to prepare...why am I not ready? I feel like I'm not studying the right stuff, so i keep finding other stuff to study. I'm a TERRIBLE test taker....... I should have seen this coming! Failure is evident. The pressure I am putting on myself is unreal. Here are just a few thoughts racing through my mind.....daily.

• What if I'm not a good "pusher"?
• What if I can't handle childbirth?
• What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was?
• What if my body is never the same again?
• What is the nurses talk about me and laugh?
• What if I'm not successful at breastfeeding?
• What if I can't "tough it out" and "woman up" and take the pain and discomfort of breastfeeding?
• What if my body totally fails me?
• What if I let my husband down in the delivery room?
• What if I let my husband down with breastfeeding?
• What if I let my baby down with breastfeeding?
• What if certain friends think I am a wimp and "not tough enough"?
• What if I don't know what my baby wants?
• What if I don't connect with him?
• What if something is wrong with him?
• Will our family be OK, financially, after Leo, because of the pay cut I am being forced to take?
• Do I really have to be in a bathing suite on our family vacation in front of everyone........ in June?
• Will Leo be OK with all the traveling we have to do this summer?
• Will Toby and I be OK with all the traveling we have to do this summer?
• Am I prepared enough to bring Leo home?
• Do I have everything set up right?
• Will my Mom and Mother-in-Law be proud of me or laugh at me if I do something wrong?
• Will everyone be "watching me" and waiting for me to screw up?
• Why do I feel sad to say "good-bye" to our "old life"? Wasn't I ready for a new life? Aren't I ready?
• Will the "just wait" comments ever stop?
• Am I going to be able to drive home to OH with Leo so he can be close with his family....by myself?
• Will I be able to handle taking care of Leo on the weekends and the nights Toby works late by myself?
• Will I be able to take care of (1) baby as well as my Mom did taking care of (2) babies?
• What if my passion for my job is never what it used to be?
• What if I love my dog less?

Exhausting, right? I think I just gave myself a black eye and fat lip.

I know how all that sounds...... STUPID! RIDICULOUS! UN-NECESSARY! TRIVIAL! I'm sure a few eyes rolled while reading that.

I know that there are no answers to the above questions. I know that "people have babies everyday". I know that "things will be fine". I know that some of the above issues some people will think are "so dumb". Deep down, I know that a lot of the fears and worries I have, I'm sure others have had as well. (right?) I know things could be a lot worse. I aware of all this. Yet, the punches keep coming.

I have a wonderful fan club...this I NEVER question. A fan club full of a bunch of amazing people who I know love me, trust me, have faith in me, look up to me, honor me, respect me, and have confidence in me. I would list all their names, but the list would be mighty lengthy and for that I am unbelievably grateful.

I just wish the mean girl inside me would ease up a bit and cut me some slack. Nobody likes a bully.

I think I will just start to ignore her and go back to what my mom always told me to do when people are mean to me.... "kill them with kindness".

Maybe I'll just be a little kinder to this mean girl. Maybe I'll "kill her with kindness". And who knows.... maybe she will start to be little kinder to me.

We'll see........

FEAR.

I wanted to write another blog, but I was stuck on a topic.

I didn't really have anything I felt was "worth writing about".

I didn't want to bore people with anymore randomness....a little of that can go a long way.

I didn't have any funny (or what I think are funny) stories to share.

I didn't have any issues I wanted to bring up (not on this blog anyway....).

So, I guess you could say, I was in a "blah" state of mind.

So, I decided to reach out to my "creative peeps" and asked them to recommend some topics of which I could write. I got some GREAT suggestions, and you can bet your bottom dollar that after Leo is born, I will have a wide variety of blog topics!

But, it was my friend, Melanie, who gave me the topic for this blog. Thanks, Mel.

FEAR.

I would not consider myself a "scardy-cat" or a "whimp" or a timid person. I consider myself to be very brave, actually. I mean, I did move 600+ miles away from my friends and family, all alone, not knowing ANYONE, with no money or furniture, to start a new life for myself. That was kinda scary. I did play with an ouija board. That's really scary. I did watch "Paranormal Activity". SO scary that I regret it to this day. But there are some things in life that scare the be-jezz-us outta me! Here is one of them.

I am scared of bugs and insects. Any kind. Any number of legs. Anything with wings. Anything with antennas. Anything with an outer shell. Anything slimy. Anything with a stinger, fangs, pincher's, or claws. Anything the buzzes. Terrified. SO horrified, in fact, I have been know to completely and totally embarrass and loose myself ,and all dignity, in this fear.

I have been known to call my husband and past roommates in fits of terror, to PLEASE come home from work and KILL a "gigantic creature from Hades" that has had me locked in my bedroom for hours. (Yes they did it, cause they love me and understands my fear. That's love.)

I have been known to rip off articles of clothing faster than you can slap a tic, in the middle of my apartment parking lot, down to my undergarments, because a monster had it's sharp claws attached to my shirt. (and then my pants).

I have been know to stand on top of furniture, preforming a circus-worthy balancing act, in order to escape being trampled by a beast with more legs than I thought was humanly possible.

I have been known to let out shrill and painful screams and flip over desks, in an attempt to avoid a mutant that fell out of the lecture hall ceiling and landed DIRECTLY in MY lap! That professor, I swear, to this day hates me and thinks I am a psycho.

I have been known to abandon innocent children, who I was responsible for at a church camp, because a God-awful organism got in the way of them and me. "Save yourselves!!!"

I have been known to skip a shower for 3 days in a row.....don't judge...... (while at the same church camp mentioned above) because of all the flying insects that congregated around the night lights in the bathrooms. I'll take being "funky" for a few days over running through black clouds of bugs any day!

I have been known to decorate my apartment balcony with beautiful wind-chimes, comfortable chairs, pretty flowers, and citronella candles.....all to be totally UN-USED, due to the fact that I once saw a bug the size of a soccer ball sunning itself on the balcony railing. Never. Went. Out. There. Again.

I have been known to "jump ship" off of a paddle-boat (failing and wailing my arms and legs) into a lake full of algae, seaweed, and who-knows-what kinds of animals, in order to flee the presence of 8 legs and a hairy body. I left my sister, alone, in the paddle boat..... crying. I still feel bad about that. Sorry, Jill.

I have been known to abandon my car on a major interstate, leaving the engine running and driver side door open, and flag down other passing cars, praying for someone to come to my rescue to terminate the killer-bumblebee that found a home in my back window.

It's crazy and ridiculous that I have let this fear take over my life. But it has. No question. I totally understand the meaning of "paralyzing fear". I have experienced it many times. Sometimes I can't believe I have let it get this far, but I can't help it. I don't know when exactly this phobia started. All I know it that this fear is part of me. And I pray, to God above, that it is not inherited by my Lil' Leo. Bless his heart if it is........

It's all fun and games.... (By: Jess)

So, while I was driving to work this AM I was listening to my favorite radio station. (Hawk and Tom show)

On the show, they were talking about fun games they used to play as kids. They mentioned some games that my sister and I used to play, which kick started tons of memories for me!

Thanks to all these memories flooding back into my mind, I have no idea how I got to school!

I was daydreaming about all the endless hours spent playing with my sister and neighborhood buds, when suddenly, BAM, I was in the parking lot.Funy how that happened. Not really.

Here are some memories that I was able to dig out this morning..... what a good way to start the week!!

Outdoor games
(these games were spent playing in my front yard or back yard, several neighbor's yards, our swimming pool, the cemetery (I know....right!) or the woods in the back of our neighborhood)
People involved: Jill, Amy, Dan, Mandy, Jeff, Mark, Brian

1. Red Rover
2. Mother May I?
3. Kickball
4. Freeze Tag/TV Tag
5. hopscotch
6. Jump rope
7. roller skating (4 wheels)
8. Bike rides
9. swimming (and all the ransom games that we made up.../.talking underwater, running and seeing who could do the craziest jump into the pool, racing, underwater dancing, pool rings, beach towel fashion shows, surfing on rafts)
10. Hide and seek (in the dark!)
11. catching lighting bugs
12. ghosts in the graveyard (similar to #10)
13. attempting to build a clubhouse..... many times!
14. running through the sprinkler....even though we had a pool in the back yard!
15. Slip and slide (homemade of course!)
16. Jacks
17. Having a Picnic (in the cemetery)
18. Riding bikes to burger king and drug store.

Indoor games
(ya know.....cause sometimes it rains and winter comes every now and then)
1. House
2. Hospital
3. Nintendo
4. Hide and seek
5. Gather all the pillows and cushions in the ENTIRE house and throw them all in one room. Thats it.
6. School
7. Restaurant
8. Dance/Cheerleading Competition
9. Making homemade scary movies with my dad's video camera.

Any of these sound familiar????

Well put. (By:Jessica)

Common Sense Is No Longer Common

I have just taught all day long in a third grade classroom. The kids were fine. The day went smooth. But I have come to two conclusions. I either:
a. Have a brilliantly blessed cranium, or
b. Am missing a few vital neuron connections in that cranium.

Now assuming I have been brilliantly blessed, I’d like to propose legislation that would dramatically change life for the better here in SC. Read on.

1. I would like to see all branches of law enforcement held accountable for the crime on our streets. If there is crime, surely that means they aren’t doing their jobs. We, as tax payers, deserve to live in safe neighborhoods. Regardless of whether the police serve retirement villages or drug infested prostitute hang outs, they will all be held accountable. If a policeman patrols a community with no crime, he will be paid. If a policeman has a community with crime, he will not be paid. Additionally, police may only use positive measures to enforce the law. They may no longer use any type of weapon or rude words. This may scar the self esteem of us citizens. We would then need counseling services, and the police would be responsible if one of us snaps and blows up a public establishment. If we are following the law, they must pull us over and tell us “Good Job” and perhaps give us a piece of candy. Note: personally I wouldn’t care if they congratulated me or not. If I knew I wasn’t going to get a ticket and my insurance go sky high, I’d drive at least 70 on my way home from school every single day.

2. I would like to see accountability on all dentists. If there are cavities in our mouths, obviously the dentists aren’t doing their jobs. We go to the dentist for a reason – to prevent our pearly whites from rotting out. Why can’t these highly paid professionals do their job? There should not be a cavity in any mouth in all of SC. If there are, then the dentists are falling short, and they should have their licenses revoked. They should not be allowed to practice dentistry in our state.
3. Doctors, also, should be held accountable on the job. If a doctor has a patient that has cancer, that doctor is not doing their job. Why do doctors become doctors? To heal people. Thus, if they aren’t healing people, they aren’t doing their job and should not be paid. Doctors are highly paid individuals, and we citizens deserve to be healthy. If we get these incompetent doctors out of practice, that would reduce our medical costs. Then this hoopla over health insurance would no longer be an issue (told you I had a blessed cranium).

4. Owners of gyms, health clubs, and all registered dieticians should be held accountable on their jobs. If there is obesity in their cities, obviously they aren’t doing their jobs. If health clubs and gyms have any member that weighs over 130 pounds, their establishments should be shut down. Obviously they are incompetent, and thus, should not be allowed to perform these services to the people of our state. If these individuals were held accountable on their jobs, we’d all be thin. There would be no diabetes or heart disease.

Sound ridiculous? We teachers think so, too. Yet, there are legislators, the Superintendent of Education, and our newly elected governor that want these mandates placed on teachers. They have this mentality that if a teacher performs the right combination, the human mind will click into place and our entire population will be educated. Thus, underperforming teachers will not be paid. One of these so called professionals said on tv the other night, “if our show ratings went down, we wouldn’t get paid either.” Ding, ding, ding – they choose their cast. We teachers and doctors and dentists deal with anyone that walks into our places of employment. We can not pick and choose the “best.”

Classrooms are microcosms of society. Each year, I have kids with privileged backgrounds and kids with adverse living conditions. I have kids that live on the lake, and I have had kids that live in their car. I have kids that have loving, supportive parents, and I have kids with parents that simply should not be parents. I have kids that were born with high IQ’s (this is why they are labeled as GIFTED), and I have children that are like the rest of us – normal. I have children that have been through tragedies – deaths of parents, a handicapped sibling, a terminally ill loved one, and living arrangements that make me shudder. I have children that have been taken into custody of the department of social services, and I’ve had children that have never traveled out of Anderson County. I have had children born to mothers on drugs, and I have students with no mother at all. Yet, all of these kids are expected to perform proficiently, without exception. Something is clearly not right with this picture. These students with challenges, with hardships, and who were not born “gifted” deserve an education, too. They are the reason I went to college to become a teacher – to touch lives. When this passion is being trampled on by ignorant individuals, I take that as a personal offense. SC school children deserve teachers that love them for who they are, not for the scores they achieve.

Not only is this just outright ridiculous, it is also discriminatory. Many, many people are born with handicaps. These are documented, medical conditions. They are clearly outlined. These individuals have IEPs for a reason – they have challenges. These legislators do not have the qualifications, nor do they have the authority, to lay expectations on these students. IEP’s are legally binding documents that are taken seriously.

Furthermore, teachers do not decide the content of what they teach, how they teach it, or how it is assessed. When students take the PASS test in the spring, it is illegal for us to discuss it in anyway. We are not allowed to discuss ways we can make it better, how we can improve, or how we could be better able to meet its demands. We are silenced. Yet, we are held accountable for the results. Always.

Anyone, regardless of position, who can not see why paying teachers based on student performance would not work, clearly has mental challenges themselves, and an obvious inability to think above a third grade level. I challenge them to take the third grade PASS test to prove my point.

As I stated earlier, I am either brilliantly blessed or missing a few screws. This seems like a total no brainer to me. I have no idea what could possibly be going through the minds of the people out there that think teachers should be held to those ridiculous expectations that no other occupations have to answer for.

Teachers/Educators/Administrators – we’ve got to stand up for our rights and demand integrity in the schools.

Parents – your child’s future is important. Take a stand. If your children have developmental delays/learning disabilities, these new mandates are discriminatory. Make your voices heard.
As for me, I’m instilling in my students self worth. They are important. They are special to me, and I believe in each one of them. They will make their marks on this world. I guarantee. And if my salary is docked because one of my students has a bad day and doesn’t do his absolute best on the PASS test, I’m going to be floating on a yacht in the Caribbean.
Ignorance is, indeed, total bliss.


Mary Nell Anthony
T.L. Hanna High School, an IB World School
Ninth Grade Academy Director, NBCT
Milken Educator, 2005
864-260-5690
864-617-4224
"I am only one, but I am still one. I may not do everything, but I can do something." --Hale