Mean girl.

I have come to a conclusion.

I am a "mean girl".

I'm a bully.

I pick and pick and pick on the same girl ALL THE TIME. I NEVER give this girl a break. I criticize her. I judge her. I put her under a microscope. I laugh at her. I love her and hate her. I pat her on the back when she deserves it and I kick her when she's down. I have confidence in her and I doubt her all in the same day. The older she gets, the harder I am. When she was younger, I was so good to her.

Why am I so hard on this girl?

Why am I so hard on myself?

I think I've always been a little hard on myself and I think that sometimes that's a good thing. I mean..... sometimes the only person you can rely on is yourself, right?

Sometimes the only person you can trust is yourself.

I think that at times it's good to be tough on yourself. It gives you a little competition. It gives you a challenge. It makes you stronger.

But there are times when you also need to give yourself a break.

Any BOY..... I wish I could give myself a break now more than ever.

I'm sure it's "the hormones". I'm sure it's just "me being pregnant." I'm sure it's just the anticipation and excitement and stress and nervousness that I'm feeling about the huge life change that is quickly approaching. Maybe it's also because I'm a woman and women are SO hard on themselves. (Why is that? Goodness, men have it so easy.) But....wow. I've never been this hard on myself before and I'm driving myself nuts.

As the time approaches for my son to enter this world, I find myself being my biggest critic. I feel like I have this HUGE test coming up and I've studied and studied and studied and I'm still not ready! I mean.... I've had 10 months to prepare...why am I not ready? I feel like I'm not studying the right stuff, so i keep finding other stuff to study. I'm a TERRIBLE test taker....... I should have seen this coming! Failure is evident. The pressure I am putting on myself is unreal. Here are just a few thoughts racing through my mind.....daily.

• What if I'm not a good "pusher"?
• What if I can't handle childbirth?
• What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was?
• What if my body is never the same again?
• What is the nurses talk about me and laugh?
• What if I'm not successful at breastfeeding?
• What if I can't "tough it out" and "woman up" and take the pain and discomfort of breastfeeding?
• What if my body totally fails me?
• What if I let my husband down in the delivery room?
• What if I let my husband down with breastfeeding?
• What if I let my baby down with breastfeeding?
• What if certain friends think I am a wimp and "not tough enough"?
• What if I don't know what my baby wants?
• What if I don't connect with him?
• What if something is wrong with him?
• Will our family be OK, financially, after Leo, because of the pay cut I am being forced to take?
• Do I really have to be in a bathing suite on our family vacation in front of everyone........ in June?
• Will Leo be OK with all the traveling we have to do this summer?
• Will Toby and I be OK with all the traveling we have to do this summer?
• Am I prepared enough to bring Leo home?
• Do I have everything set up right?
• Will my Mom and Mother-in-Law be proud of me or laugh at me if I do something wrong?
• Will everyone be "watching me" and waiting for me to screw up?
• Why do I feel sad to say "good-bye" to our "old life"? Wasn't I ready for a new life? Aren't I ready?
• Will the "just wait" comments ever stop?
• Am I going to be able to drive home to OH with Leo so he can be close with his family....by myself?
• Will I be able to handle taking care of Leo on the weekends and the nights Toby works late by myself?
• Will I be able to take care of (1) baby as well as my Mom did taking care of (2) babies?
• What if my passion for my job is never what it used to be?
• What if I love my dog less?

Exhausting, right? I think I just gave myself a black eye and fat lip.

I know how all that sounds...... STUPID! RIDICULOUS! UN-NECESSARY! TRIVIAL! I'm sure a few eyes rolled while reading that.

I know that there are no answers to the above questions. I know that "people have babies everyday". I know that "things will be fine". I know that some of the above issues some people will think are "so dumb". Deep down, I know that a lot of the fears and worries I have, I'm sure others have had as well. (right?) I know things could be a lot worse. I aware of all this. Yet, the punches keep coming.

I have a wonderful fan club...this I NEVER question. A fan club full of a bunch of amazing people who I know love me, trust me, have faith in me, look up to me, honor me, respect me, and have confidence in me. I would list all their names, but the list would be mighty lengthy and for that I am unbelievably grateful.

I just wish the mean girl inside me would ease up a bit and cut me some slack. Nobody likes a bully.

I think I will just start to ignore her and go back to what my mom always told me to do when people are mean to me.... "kill them with kindness".

Maybe I'll just be a little kinder to this mean girl. Maybe I'll "kill her with kindness". And who knows.... maybe she will start to be little kinder to me.

We'll see........