Never in a Million Years.....(By: Jess)

It has happened. The day has come.

I am doing something I NEVER thought I'd do.
I own something I NEVER thought I'd own.
I'm in a position I NEVER thought I'd be in.

I. Own. A. Van.

(wince)

I cannot believe my husband has convinced me to do this. To drive this. To own this.

Driving a van goes against all I stand for and believe in. It goes against all my morals and all my standards as a mother.

OK...that was a little dramatic. But, I can't believe I have caved like this. I always said I would NEVER drive a van. NEVER. I don't like them. I never have. They are big, bulky, and no matter how hard they try they don't look "cool".

**NOTE** this is just MY opinion, so don't get all defensive if you are a lover of vans. It's fine if you are. I'm just not. And, well, this is MY blog, so I can believe what I want. Boo-yeah.

Anyway- the conversation happened on a Monday. My husband texted me and says, "What do you think about getting a van?"

BAHAHAHA. I laughed at such a ridiculous question and considered simply ignoring such  a stupid text. He knew exactly what my thoughts were going to be. I can almost see him grinning like the Grinch as he typed his text.

I replied with an obvious answer. (which was simply..... "barf".)

Toby brought one home and pulled out all his "car salesman" moves.

Then he made the mistake of putting Leo inside. Leo was smitten with it and would have camped out for days in it if we would have allowed him to.

I, of course, had a look on my face similar to this....




We got one anyway. Nice. We all know where MY opinion stands in this family.

I don't like driving this beast around.

 I feel like I have a tiny head and a GIGANTIC body.

I feel like I'm taking up the entire road, driving like a manic, beeping my blow horn and telling people to "get outta the way! Here I come!!"

 I feel like "Large Marge" driving a semi. (reference from "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" for anyone who has seen this masterpiece of a film)

 I don't feel young. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel stylish or trendy.

I feel like...........I'm driving a van.


But, if I MUST be honest, and real.... I guess it will be useful. I mean, my beloved Pilot was extremely cramped. I had no back seat anymore and I think if I knocked Leo's and Cece's head on the ceiling one more time brain damage would have been a possibility and the Feds would have been called.

Also, when I look in the back and see Leo innocently starting up at the DVD player, that is mounted on the ceiling, watching "Mickey", and being so thrilled, I can't help but put aside all my selfish views and smile. This is for HIM (and her), not ME. I mean, who cares if I feel like an idiot driving this swagger wagon around.... as long as the kido-s are safe and comfortable, that's all that really matters, right?

Right?

Riiiight?


The truth is this.....

1. I have tried REALLY hard to like this vehicle.
2. I hate this vehicle.
3. I'm embarrassed to drive it.
4. Leo loves it.
5. Toby loves it.
6. Cece could care less.
7. No matter what I drive, facts are facts. I'm not young, nor am I sexy, nor am I trendy and stylish....
8. We are stuck with it. Forever. Cheese and rice.

P.S. I'm not gonna lie and say that the scene from "A Christmas Story" where the mother "accidentally" breaks the Leg Lamp didn't cross my mind already. I feel her pain.

Thinking..... (By: Jess)

So, I'm reading this book....


I know. Weird, right?  When Angie, our school librarian, told me about it, I had this incredible urge to read it. I have NEVER read anything of this genre before and thought I'd give it a try.

WOW.

The entire time I was reading this book, I kept thinking in the back of my mind, "As a Christian woman, I shouldn't be reading this....", but I. COULD. NOT. PUT.IT.DOWN.

This man (Pee Wee Gaskins) is.......................... there are no words.

I cannot believe the things he did.

And it got me to thinking.....

Who's at fault? (if anyone)

Apparently, this man is "wired wrong". (ya think?!?)

Apparently, he (medically) doesn't have a conscience.  (ya think?!)

Apparently, he is missing an important part of his brain that prevents people from doing the insane things that this man did.

If this is the case.... here are my questions...

1. Is it his fault that he committed the crimes he did?
2. Why would God make such evil?
3. Did God create this man?
4. Was he born this way....or did his brain develop this way?
5. Was he born "normal" and then as he grew up and developed, did something go wrong?
6. If this man would have had a "better" childhood, would things have been different or was this something that could not have been prevented?
7. Can a person be born without a conscience?
8. If people like this REALLY exist (and apparently they do) then why are we not constantly terrified?!?
9. Is there a place in Heaven for men like this? Apparently, he was a devoted Christian......
10. Does God forgive.....everything??


Just wondering and thinking..... I'd love to hear some of your thoughts.

It's a Guy Thing (By: Jess)

So, I've been in denial for awhile. I've been trying to avoid the truth. But, it is time I accept it and come to grips with reality. It is what it is.  My son hates me.

Ok...maybe "hate" is a strong word. Maybe not the right word to use. But he defiantly is not a mama's boy....at least not right now.....
Leo wants nothing to do with his mama...... and that's the truth. He wants his dad at all times. Only his dad. No one else will do (except maybe Grandpa).

If Leo and I are home, chillin like villians, happy as clams, he still wants his dad.

If he falls down, bumps his noggin, scrapes his knee, pinches his finger, or causes any other bodily damage, my kisses and hugs won't ease the pain. He wants his daddy.

If he is sleepy and wants to cuddle on the couch, it's not Mom he wants to spoon with. It's dad. Only Dad will do.

It's not my arms that Leo run into when I get home from work. It's Dad's.

Toby finds this utterly hilarious and (I think) is secretly loving it!  It's almost like a game....

Toby will be holding Leo and I will be standing next to them. Toby will say, "Go to your mom" and I will hold out my arms, aching for Leo to fall into them! Never the case. What usually happens is that Leo will whine, frown, turn his head away from me, and lay it Toby's shoulder; practically crying at the thought of being pryed from Dad's arms and forced, against his will, into Mom's. Toby laughs. I pout. It's a vicious cycle.

But, I MUST stay positive. I MUST remain calm. I MUST move forward. I MUST have common sense about this....

I keep telling myself... Leo DOES love you. You are HIS MOMMY. No one else will ever play that role. You carried him, you birthed him, you will raise him. Be grateful that he loves his Daddy so much! Be grateful that his Daddy is so involved in his life. Stop being so selfish. There will be a day when we will "want you". He's going through a phase right now. Overall, at the end of the day, YOU are his Mommy and he doesn't have a choice but to love you!!

But, darnit, can he just pay me a little attention?!?!

Life Lately. (By: Jess)

So..... it's been awhile. I have been wanting to write a new post for some time now, but nothing has really struck me as far as topics go. Since my mind is drawing a creative blank, I figured I'd at least come to grips with my life as of now....

1. I still cannot believe I have a DAUGHTER!!! Cece is PREH! She is soooo tiny and petite! Leo was never THIS tiny and I'm loving it! She is still wearing newborn clothes pretty well, but 0-3 months are finally starting to fit....a little! Her belly button finally healed so now she is able to get real baths and she LOVES them! She looks even tinier in her bathtub! She loves to stretch out and wiggle her little toes in the warm water! A standard size washcloth serves as her "bath blanket" and cover her entire body!  She eats every 3-4 hrs and is eating 4 oz at a time. She takes awhile to eat and burp. but the diva cannot be rushed, so I will accommodate! Her cry is adorable and sometimes makes me LOL! Its a mix between a high pitched scream and the meow of a cat. Sounds annoying, I know, but the cuteness of it makes me grin! She is still sleeping in our room in her bassinet, but as soon as I work up the courage to send her packing to her own bedroom, she will make the trip across the living room and down the hall. Until then, she is satisfied being in mom and dads room. She has a little bit of a gooey eye and we have to be sure to keep it wiped out with a warm washcloth! Hopefully it clears up soon! Missy (her nickname given to her by dad) currently weights 10 lbs and is in the 90% in height!! Supermodel?!?! 

2. I still cannot believe I am back to work. I had an entire 1 week off after Cece was born. CrAzY!! I feel the need to explain why this was. I don't really know "who" I am explaining it to, maybe myself?  Anyway...... I only have 12 sick days. I need to be smart about how I use them. I need to save them for the year. I didn't want to use them all the first 2 weeks of school and then not have ANY for the rest of the year! Someone is bound to get sick and I already have a couple personal days planned. So I had to "take one for the team" and get back to the grind. Do I think I overdid it a bit? YEP! Did my doctor have any idea that I was going back to work after only 1 week? NOPE!  What's the most important is that it was MY decision. No one MADE me come back to work so soon. I could have taken all the time I wanted (unpaid of course...except for the 12 days I had).... but to be honest, I was ready to get back in a routine and ready to start this new life with 2 children. "She works hard for the money". (or lack thereof)

3. I'm an anxious mess. I feel nervous/scared all the time. Like I'm gonna do something wrong. It's annoying.  I feel like I am JUST keeping my head above water and things could all fall apart at any second. I'm trying to juggle taking care of Leo and Cece the best I can. I'm trying to take good care of my husband. I'm trying to take good care of myself. I'm trying to take good care of my students. I'm trying to be a good friend, sister, daughter, and employee. I feel like I'm doing a good job... but if I let my guard down or if I loose focus for just a hot second, things will fall apart. Not a good feeling. Maybe I should talk to "The Hoff" (AKA, Dr. Hoffman) about all this drama....

4. I love Leo and Cece so much it hurts and I have a fear that someone is gonna take them away from me. Normal? Maybe. Maybe not.

5. I have received AMAZING help from my in-laws and my mom! Words cannot express how thankful I am for all their help! Our babysitter got sick and needed to take 3 weeks off. Toby and I about cried! (Well, I DID cry!) Thankfully my in-laws were still here visiting and my amazing mother-in-law offered to stay as long as we needed her! MAJOR sigh of relief.

6. Leo is obsessed with Gertie. Poor Gertie. She sleeps with one eye open at all times. Bless it.

7.  As much as I LOVE all the help I am getting from my family, Toby and I are sooooo ready to "try this on our own".

8. We are taking a trip to KY in October and I am sooooo excited about it!

9. I still have about 30 lbs to loose. Sigh.......

10. I have tried several new recipes from Pintrest and LOVE them!! Check out the "recipe" section of this amazing blog to see them....

11. Leo is such a "daddy's boy" and sometimes it breaks my heart. He wants nothing to do with me at times and I hate it. *sad face*

12. This year marks my 10th year teaching. Every year I enjoy it just as I did my first year. Ok.... maybe not.... but I really do love my job! Really.... I do. Seriously. I do. Really.

13. I got out all my fall decorations the other day and I was so flippin excited about it!! It was even a little chilly outside (80 degrees!) so it seemed like the perfect day for re-decorating! I just have to get up in the attic and get out my scarecrows and buy a few mums from the store, and 37 Lazy Willow Drive will be all decked out!

14. Saturday, September 15th is "D-day" for me. I will have both kids, all by myself, for 8 hrs! I'm anxious, excited, and nervous. Basically, I'm just ready to do it and have it be normal.

And that is where we are......as of now. 

Breathe and keep swimming.