Christmas 2015

This Christmas is special. Not that it's not always special... but this year it's a different special.

This is the FIRST CHRISTMAS in Toby and I's relationship (married 8, together 2) that we will be in OUR home on Christmas morning!

It's thrilling and when I "realized" it, it made me feel like a kid again!

But, also, I already feel like a kid again! I am totally living through my kids right now! I am sooooooooo excited for Santa to come! Eek!! We are gonna leave cookies and milk, and make reindeer food, and make santa bootprints,and bake cookies, and drive around and look at lights, and get up at 4am, and I just might wear a Santa hat while I'm setting presents out. Maybe.

This year has been a lot of fun! Our elf, "Cecil" is back! We read the story on Thanksgiving night and the next morning, there he was on the living room shelf. Cece is still a little hesitant, but she is warming up. Leo doesn't seem to care if Cecil sees him throwing a fit or not. But, he loves to hunt for him in the morning. Toby and I have been really good at remembering to move him. Cecil has been really good at re-locating himself all around the house. On top of the kitchen light, in Cece's room, in Leo's room, sitting with Joseph and Mary in the stable, on the mantle, on the knife butcher block, on top of the coat tree. That little spit-fire is everywhere!!

And...no. I don't get extra creative with the elf. I wish I could tell you that I was "that person" who stages hilarious scenes for our elf..... but dangit if I can't remember to move that dang thing every night, let alone construct a brilliantly staged scene. And I don't want to clean up the mess.

You wanna know what I really love? What really "melts my butter" as Truvy would say. Ya wanna know what makes me wink seductively at Toby and walk past him in the hallway and squeeze his bum? You wanna know?

I LOVE when Toby moves the elf.

 It turns me on.

I think it is so sweet that when I forget, he's got my back. He will be damned if he's gonna let the kids wake up and see the elf in the same place as yesterday. He also thinks of creative places too. Who knew? Anyway..... I think it's adorable. 

My how our love life has changed.....

The kid's Christmas lists are fun this year! Here are the requests for 2015.....

Leo- " 'mote" control car and a police car
Cece- purple "mote" control car, make-up, eyeshadow, lipstick, teddy bear

So Santa listened...,.. Leo will get his (2) requests and Cece will get hers as well. The purple "mote" control car was a last minute addition and was a little tricky to find! But I did it! It is being shipped from China today! Not kidding. Straight up serious. I'm expecting it Christmas Eve.

Obviously, I added a few items to their stock piles lists.

Leo will also be receiving some soccer shin guards, soccer socks, a 100 pack of cars, bedtime book, a flying helicopter, a train table, Hungry Hungry Hippos, flashcards,  Chapstick, "Engine Turtles" movie, a car track, a TV chair, a punching bag and gloves, ear buds, PJs, socks,  a soccer ball, and an Olaf costume

Cece will also be receiving an Elsa costume, a shit ton a bunch of make up, earrings and necklace, "Frozen" jenga, bedtime book, a life "size doll, "Cinderella" and "Sleeping Beauty" movie, Elsa wig, hair accessories, a game (I forget which one! Connect Four?), PJ's, socks,  a TV chair, and ear buds.

Toby and I had about a 37 minute conversation about how we are gonna set out presents. Who will do it? When to do it? How to do it? 

We've never done it before, remember.....

After several fights it was decided that I will set gifts out. I will do it as soon as Leo is asleep. (Cece will already be asleep. In her own bed. Count on it. She's the easy one. Toby will have to lay with Leo, probably in our bed. ) I will bring all presents up and down the basement stairs. (not my idea... but I gave up.) Falling, making a loud ruckus, and breaking something is a HUGE possibility.... but Toby insisted.

So, this Christmas is one that I will always remember. I will always remember waking up in our own home on Christmas morning for the first time. I hope it's snowing! That will just be perfect! It will feel just like Bedford Falls!!

Room for 5?

So one of my BFF's mentioned something the other day in a group text.

Let me talk about "group texting" for just a minute..... I love it. I love how everyone can chime in with their "piece" of conversation, cause everyone to smile or giggle a bit, and continue about their day. I love it because for that moment, everyone knows that they were thought of that day. Its a good feeling. My (5) best friends from High School and I have a constant group text going on. We may talk to each other (1) time a week or (3) times a week or (2) times a month..... but it keeps our relationships updated and current. We are all stupid busy, living our own lives, raising our kids, doing our jobs, maintaining relationship with other friends.... but we are still involved with each other. Maybe not constantly.... maybe not physically..... but involved nonetheless. And that's better (to me) than nothing,

Ok, moving on

Laura mentioned that when we are all old and senile that we should think about all staying in the same nursing home.

I know that it was ment to put a smile on our faces and to let us know that she was thinking of us.... but in all seriousness.... that is a FANTASTIC IDEA!

Let me tell you why.....


Think about it... I'm really kinda shocked more elderly people don't do this.

It's 2060.

Unfortunatly, all (5) of ouir husbands would have to pass away before us.... leaving us all widows.

Once we all are old, alone, and grieving..... that is when we all plan to "move in together".

Thankfully, someone (probably Laura, since it was her idea) called the nursing home (the BEST nursing home) and reserved us all rooms about 5 years ago so we were all guaranteed to "get in".

I'm sure nursing homes (especially "the best" one) have a waiting list, right?

Anyway.... since we all have a room waiting for us..... we pick a moving day.

We won't have a lot to move, cause at that point in our lives, nothing really is necessary anymore except out "treasures" and memories.

So we move in and there you have it. Roomates. For the rest of our lives. 5yrs? 8yrs?

We will eat all our meals together and gossip about all the good looking men who also live in the nursing home. Jayme will probably be "dating" one of them by the second week.

We will sit together in "the living room" or in someones room and talk, knit, play  strip poker, drink wine, listen to Jayme's make-out stories with the handsome widower in room 132, talk about our grandkids and how our kids are "doing parenting all wrong". We would watch as much Netflix as we want and follow about 5 series. Some of them will even be dirty.

None of us will be sick or suffering from any illness. One of us may have shingles. One of us may have a new hip. One of us may walk with a cane due to all the years of abusing their bodies at F45 gym, holding back the puke during every workout. One of us may be a permanate hunchback. But we will all be alive and kickin.

Think about it... the rest of our lives to just...... be.

No bills to worry about. No jobs to stress about or be at. No kids to look after. No husband to take care of. No pressure to "keep up with the reast of the world".

All the time in the world to be with each other.....people who we have known our entire lives. All the times in the world to to whatever the hell we wanna do. Happy Hour every day in Kelly's room at 3pm? Why the hell not! Online shopping, spending money like it grows on trees? Sure! Eating chips, doughnuts, chocolate, and ice cream guilt free and not giving one rats ass about how much we weigh? Sign me up.  4 naps a day? Uh... yeah!

Everyday is a party.
Everyday is full of inside jokes and laughter.
Everyday is spent comfortable and relaxed and stress free.
Everyday will be spent with the 5 most important people (that are left) in our lives.... ...each other.

Our kids and grandkids will come to visit us allllllll the time.

Leo, Cece, James, Franklin, Ella, Kelsey, Lydia, Tyler, Josie, Addie, Reece, Emmit, and Grahm will all be like family to each other and all their kids will play together.

When they come to visit us, we need to reserve the banquet room at the nursing home since there are so many people there.

Does that not sound A-mazing?

Why don't more people do this? Seriously..... Why do some people chose to live the last 5-10 years of their life alone and relying on other people to take care of them?

Yes, I realize that some circumstances will require different situations..... and obviously this is a "dream", cause I'm sure in reality I promise that many sticks will get throw in the wheels of this plan and what I imagined will be, will be very, very different from what God has in store for us. In fact... I honestly think I hear him laughing.

Anyway,,.. its a nice thought.

When Laura brought it up, it made me smile. Gosh I love these girls... these girls who have been MY FRIEND since I was 13. Girls who have ALWAYS accepted me for who I am/was. Wether I was annoying, needy, weepy, depressed, fat, skinny, too hyper, bitchy, self-ritghous, local, or out of state. They love me still. They take me for who I am and vice versa.

I mean, damnit.... staying friends with Angie is effin hard.... she's bat-shit crazy..... but we all still accept her.  Wink and gun.

That's what I love the most. I'm really looking forward to the last few years of my life. If all goes "as planned", sounds like it will be grand!

 

The Gang  in 1997 and 2015

 

 

 

Laura and Jess in 2060

Angie in 2060

 

Kelly in 2060

 

 

Jayme in 2060

 

 

 

Like a brick wall.

So lately I've been doing some weird shiz.

Like, weird-er than normal. Which is effin scary. I mean, Im even freaking myself out. I normally laugh at my stupidity, because my sense of humor allows me o do things like that, but lately... these matters are nothing to laugh about. It's getting serious, folks. Like... I may need a CT scan or I need to change my name to Sybil. One or the other....

My recent actions that make me think WTF....

1. I went to pick the kids up from school the other day.... Wednesday.

They don't go to school on Wednesday's.

Let me repeat..... I. went. to. pick. the. kids. up. from. someplace. they. were. not. at.

 The sad part..... It honestly took me a total of about 10 minutes to realize THEY WERE NOT THERE.

It wasn't until one of the teachers says to me, "It's Wednesday."

"Yeah.........and?"

Then it hit me.

like a brick wall.

omg.

OMG.

The look the lady gave me immediately made me hear the "psyco" theme song in the background.

I'm sure when I walked out the door...... with no children....  people were concerned.

 I know I was.

 I didn't even tell my mother-in-law what I had done.

 I mean.... I was practically 30 min late coming hope than my normal arrival time. No big deal. Nothing to see here.

2. Speaking of my mother-in-law, I needed a huge favor from her the other day.

 I texted her about 8:15am and said, "Can you do me a huge favor?"

She immediately responded with "Sure!" (as usual! Bless her!)

 I said.... "Brace yourself..... I need you to bring me a bra."

 I them proceeded to explain to her that I had worn a black bra to school and did not realize that the top I was wearing was totally and completely see-through.

 I didn't realize it until the morning bell rang and I was walking toward the full-length mirror in my classroom and it me.... you guessed it.... like a cottin'pickin' brick wall.

 I was a paranoid freak the rest of period 1.... feeling like a $2 whore who lost her pole.

3. It took me about 35 minutes to drive to work the other day.

 Normally it takes me about 10.

Why did it take 35 you ask?

 Well, the brick wall didn't hit me until I was out by Walmart (the complete OPPOSITE end of town), that I was going the completely wrong direction.



4. The CVS drive thru in Celina is s-l-oooooo-w.

I don't know why, but they are.

Always.

 Anyway, after Cece's dance lesson I swung through to pick up my 24th round of antibiotics for a sinus infection that I've had since 3rd grade.

I knew I'd have to wait because I always have to wait..... and because the drive thru line was 7 cars deep. O'well, I honestly didn't mind. Cece was in the back seat watching Dora, reciting the Spanish word for "broccoli" and seemed perfectly content.

 I was exhausted and didn't mind the break from having to do anything constructive. So I browsed my phone.

About 25 minutes later I finally got up to window......

and I drove right on through.

The lady at the window looked like a spectator at the Daytona 500....her head followed me from the right alllll the way through to the left.

 I avoid all eye contact and kept my eyes to the front. I had both hands gripped tightly on the wheel at 10 and 2 and my posture was straight and stiff.

Why did I breeze through the drive thru like a fart in the wind?

 Cause it took about that long for that brick wall to smack me in the face and remind me that I DIDNT HAVE MY PURSE.

omg.

OMG!?!?!


5.  Speaking of drive thru's...... have you even went through the drive thru at a fast food place, got up to the window, looked at the teenager working at the window with a blank stare, and tell him, "Uh... I forgot to place my order."

No?

Just me?

Ok then.....

Sweet Jesus Mary..... someone gimme a nap.

What will I tell them....... about Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston?

They were icons.

They were your mother's favorite.

They were who your mother wanted to be.

Your mother knows every single song each preformed.

These two singer/songwriters were at one time the best of the best. That cannot be denied. Some people are not as die hard fans as I am. I realize that is a personal choice. But the fact that their fame and stardom was incredible...... that's putting it lightly.

Michael Jackson was deemed "the king of pop".  His dance moves? Unbelieveable. His music? Impossible to not bop your head too. His appearance? Terrifying.



One thing I want Leo and Cece to know about Michael Jackson is that he was black. And that he was not a child molester.

There millions of rumors about the color of his skin and his infatuation with children.... but what I choose to believe is that he had a skin disease called vitiligo. This disease turns skin white in splotchy areas all over the body. Due to the fact that MJ was a little vain.... he did not want to be seen "splotchy" so he bleached his skin. He did this because eventually, this is what vitiligo does to a persons skin, but it takes years and years. I guess he wanted to get it over with.

As far as being a child molester... there are rumors and stories and interviews and eye witnesses and apparent victims and a chimpanzee..... but I choose to not believe them.

Because I hold MJ in the highest regard. Because I have always adored him since I was a kid. Because he used to be my "pretend husband" whenever I used to play house..... I didn't want that idolization that I had to be ruined.

Its similar to my husband's love of Tiger Woods. Toby loves Tiger. When the truth came out that Tiger was a lying, no-good, cheating, selfish, sex-addicted asshole bastard....... Toby refused to believe it. He (like I did MJ) had Tiger sitting on a pedestal and refused to take him down.

I'll never forget the day that I waited ALL DAY LONG for the video premier of his new song "You Are Not Alone" to be aired on MTV. It was also the song that his wife, Lisa Marie Presley, was in. I remember hating her.

 I remember the second the video came on, I immediately put my ghetto blaster up to the TV so I could record it and all of a sudden my mom came busting into the TV room and starting telling me.... something.... I don't remember what it was.

All I remember was that I couldn't hear the video/song and she was distracting me and I remember FLIPPING OUT on her cause I had waited ALL DAY for this video to air.

 I'll never forget the "WTF" look on her face.

 I did manage to get the song recorded, complete with about 5 seconds of my mom's voice and my epic meltdown somewhere in the beginning.


MJ is a ledged and I wish he was still alive for my kids to experience. Too bad he's not. But at least his kids, Paris and Blanket, are still around.

Seriously.... his son's name is blanket. Lol.

Another thing that made me fall in love with Michael Jackson was his dance ability.

 Incredible.

The moon walk was my favorite.

I tried my entire childhood to master this move.... and not being fully successful until I was in college.

Practice makes perfect I guess.... I remember the day when I actually moon walked.

I was in the dorm room of some friends and I was getting ready to show them that "I can moonwalk!" I felt like a star, gliding across the room with ease, watching them stare at me in awe and amazement......

until I moon walked right into an open closet, fell backwards against a wall, and felt the "thump" of a metal baseball bat hit me on the head.

Moment over.

Humiliation overcame me and I wanted to die.

Still, my love for the moon walker didn't fade.

"Man in the Mirror" inspired me to make a change.
"Smooth Criminal" made me feel like a bad ass when I danced to it.
"Thriller" scared me to death
"Dirty Diana" was always and still is my ultimate favorite MJ song.
"I Just Can't Stop Loving You" was written about me. For me.

His death hit me hard... like the metal baseball bat on my head. I remember I was having a lazy day, laying around on the couch. I saw a headline on the bottom of the TV screen. It was 2009 and Toby and I had been married for 2 years. Toby knew that I'd be a grieving mess, so he rushed home early from work to be with me in my time of sorrow.

ok, not really. He was totally non-emotional about this tragedy. So un-emotional that I annoyed me. Some people just don't get it.

RIP MJ.

Whitney Houston. Whit. The Voice. I love loved her.

Her song, "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" was the 1st cassette tape I owned. I remember the day my mom brought it home for me us.  I think it was a single.



Her voice is stunning. Its soulful. Its powerful. It will give you chills. It will make you wanna jump up and dance like Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"!

A lot of Whit's songs helped me get through tough and trying times in my YA life.

"Where do Broken Hearts Go" helped me survive the breakup with my 2nd grade boyfriend, Lucas.

"I Have Nothing " contributed to my massive crush on Kevin Costner , who I loved so much I almost became medically depressed.

"I Will Always Love You" helps me remember my first slow-dance with a boy named Chris.

"How Will I Know" gave me the courage to ask my Mom questions about true love.

" I'm Every Woman" helped me sweat it out on the elliptical machine in college

Her version of "The Star Spangled Banner" made me proud to be an American

"The Greatest Love of All" inspired me to adopt a hungry child in Malaysia. (which I never was able to do cause I didn't have .23 a day when I was 8 years old.)

I remember getting her "Greatest Hits" CD and it seriously was the only thing I listened to.....for years..... until it got stolen out of my car while on a 4th of July trip to Columbus. It's still in debate WHO left the car door unlocked that night..... but I fully place the blame on my friend, Jayme. As soon as I realized my CD (among other things) was missing... I heard "It's Not Right, But It's OK" playing in my head.

Whitney was beautiful. Until she started doing crack.

Wait... not crack.... cause "crack is wack" "crack is cheap" .... maybe it was meth?

Either way, drugs took her over and she ended up drowning on a bathtub. Not a classy way to go out. Especially for THE Whitney Houston.



Overall, these two artists were my favorite. I hate they are dead. And I hate that my Greatest Hits CD got stolen.

If you are a die-hard MJ or Whit fan, then "You are not alone". The world doesn't understand. "All I wanna say is that They don't really care about us."


I will always be a fan. "I will always love you". I will make sure I carry your legacy on to my children and force  them hope they too become fans.

What will I tell them....... about drinking/drugs?

YOU BETTER NOT EVEN!

That will be initial, common sense advise.

Just don't. You WILL get in trouble.

Leo and Cece will be raised to know that underage drinking is NOT OK. They will not be raised to think that mom and dad will "go easy" on them if they ever get caught. They will be raised knowing that if they ever get caught with alcohol, drinking alcohol, or drunk..... they are "gonna get it." We don't care if we live in Mercer County where going out drinking is the only thing to do. That's not an excuse.

That's how I was raised.

I grew up in Putnam County.... another county where underage drinking is accepted and somewhat expected. My parents knew this about Ottawa and they didn't care. It was not an excuse.

Some of my friends that I hung out with in HS were raised differently. Yes, they were not" supposed" to drink illegally..... but they knew that if they ever got caught, it wouldn't be THAT BIG of a deal.

Yes, they may get grounded or yelled at, but that may be it. If they got caught having a party with alcohol, it would be frowned upon, but in a few days, their parents would probably be over it.

 I even had some  parents would even buy us beer or wine coolers for the weekend. That was just laughable. Seriously? SO dumb.

Even though I was raised with parents who were really strict on alcohol, I didn't really care. I never really wished they would be easier on me about drinking. I just knew it wasn't tolerated. And I was smart enough not to challenge it.

Did that stop me from drinking in HS?

Nope. Not at all. (sorry, Mom)

But it did teach me to be careful about it, to not be stupid.

I knew that my social life would be O-V-E-R if I ever got in trouble with the law concerning drinking/drugs.

I also made sure that my parents NEVER saw me drunk. I just feel that that is very disrespectful.  If I was stupid enough to drink (illegally) and "bad ass" enough to disobey the rules my parents set.... then the least I could do was hide it from them. If I ever came home sloppy drunk, puking, acting like a belligerent fool in front of my parents..... well, that's just rude. And awkward. For all of us.

So if I ever did decide to be sloppy drunk, puking, and acting like a belligerent fool.... I would decide to do it in front of my friends, my friends parents, or complete strangers.

NOT my parents. Never.

But what about IF it happens?

What about IF they come home drunk or get caught at  country concert a party "holding a beer that's not their's" or get a DUI, or get caught doing drugs or with drug paraphilia or I find "drugs in their car that isn't their's"? What then? What do I say then?

Sweet Jesus Lord, PLEASE do not let me have to do this. PLEASE do not give me any reason to ever have this conversation with either one of my kids. PLEASE do not give me the opportunity to ever have to play out the scene that I'm preparing for.

IF this ever happens (Please God don't let it), this is how I hope to react.

They will know I am pissed.
They will know I am disappointed.
They will know they have let me down.
They will not be allowed to do certain things... going out on the weekend with friends, doing any activity outside of school activities, not allowed to drive anywhere, no cell phone...... (if this happens while they are still in HS)
They will have to try VERY HARD to earn my (our) trust again.
I will never "let it go" or "forget it ever happened" (at least until they go off to college.... then they get a clean slate. )

I mean..... will I REALLY know what exactly I'm gonna do when and if this moment ever happens?

Duh. No.

But I can at least be prepared... somewhat.

If Leo and Cece are ever asked this question:

"Do your parents care of you drink?"

I hope they respond this way:
"Yes. They'd kill me if they ever caught me drinking."

What will I tell them....... about sex?

Don't do it til your ready.  Socially ready. Emotionally ready. Physically ready.

I don't plan on giving them "the sex talk"..... the science part at least. I'm gonna leave that to the Nation's Education system and their videos to teach my kids all the  biology of sex. (diseases, condoms, birth control, ect... too)

Do I want to talk about what  a prostitute is or how gay men/women have sex or what a threesome is or what swingers are or what the books/movie "50 Shades of Grey" is or who "Debbie" is and what is she doing to "Dallas" or all the types and options of sexual positions?

Helllllllllll no. 

I honestly feel that that crap is meant to be discussed at slumber parties and in locker rooms.

What I do plan on doing it being real. Straight to the point. No messing around.

Sex is a big deal. Never take it lightly.

Sex is for people who are grown, mature, and who have experienced serious relationships and different types of love.

Sex is VERY personal.

People who have sex early or with a lot of people are suffering in another part of their life.  Its not normal and everyone is not doing it,. They are missing something that they are trying to find through sex. They are risking their lives, their partners lives, their reputatuions, their futures, and their self-worth.

Sex on TV and movies is extremely dramatic and exaggerated.

You have no business even considering sex until you are AT LEAST a legal adult. It is an adult issue and until you are literally an adult, it's not your problem.  Preferably, at least in your 20's.

The less sexual partners you have/the longer you wait to have sex, the better you are.

The more confindent you are.

The more independent you are.

The more attractive you are.

The more respected you are.

The stronger you are.

The more loving you are.

 The smarter you are

The more ready you are.

You may ask, "So... you're saying that if I have sex early... like at 12 or 13.... then that will mean I am not independent, not attractive, not respected, not strong, not loving, or not smart?"

EXACTLY.

That person. That one person who is lucky enough top be the first person you experience the act of sex with...... better be worth it.

You must really know love, feel love, have experienced love and all the baggage that comes with it.

If you haven't had your heart broken... you are not ready.

If you haven't been swept off your feet... you are not ready.

If you've never been completely giddy..... you are not ready.

If you've never experienced the feeling of your heart literally skiping a beat" you are not ready.

If you've never cried because of happiness or emoptional hurt..... you're not ready.

Don't be in a hurry. If you are in a hurry and you rush it just to "keep up" with all the other hoes who are "doing it"  all the other girls who are "doing it",  then you will regret it. Guaranteed.

And the worst feeling......... is regret.

Oh.... and if you get pregnant/get someone pregnant before the age 25 without being married or engaged or contract a sexually transmitted disease EVER.... know that I (your mother) will be so disappointed in you. So mad at you. Will feel so disrespected by you. Know that this will hurt me to the core and shake my world.... and yours..... and change the way I look at you forever. Not necessarily in a hateful way....... but my opinion and view of you WILL change. I promise. My love for you? Never.

So wait. Please. Until your ready.

Wanna REALLY piss me off?

1.  Turn my power off when I'm in the middle of curling my hair

2. Throw "Tang", a black-out window curtain panel, and a baby onesie that says "I love Grandma"  in my grocery cart when I'm not looking and make me wait til we get home to notice it.

3. Shrink in the dryer

4. Continue to think I'm 22 years old..... and treat me like it.

5. Put milk back in fridge with 1/4 cup left

6. Whip a  "See and Say" across the living room and allow it to slam into the wall.

7.  Ask me what time it is on a clock with only roman numerals.

8. Try to change your American History essay question answer AFTER I've graded it and then tell me I graded it wrong.

9. Ask me if I've "been saved"

10. Assume my house is spotless, my kids never misbehave, and I'm always happy.

11. Tell me that you are going to "row up" every 15 minutes because you think it's funny when I panic.

12. Open the washer in the middle of a cycle.

13. Break (4) times while I'm writing my name. (mechanical pencil)

14. Schedule a jewelry show but never have any intention of actually having it.

15. Ask me if Pepsi is OK when I ordered a Coke

16. Tell me you are vegan

17. De-pants me while we are on a play date when I'm not wearing any underwear.... and laugh hysterically

18.  Call me from Wisconsin 16 times a day and never leave a message

19. Say "Ok.... now we are gonna play a little game" at a bridal shower or baby shower.

What will I say to them..... about bullying?

The other day while I was reading the newspaper facebook, I stumbled upon a friends post that made me pay attention.

It was about bullying and how her daughter was being subjected to it and how she was reacting/responding to it.

I read through the whole post and all the comments.

My heart broke for the girl who was being bullied, for her mom (my friend), and for the people commenting who stated "I know how you feel", "We have dealt with the same issue", "My daughter has the same problem".

It got me thinking.... What will I tell Leo and Cece when this happens to them? What will I actually say? What approach will I take? How will I tackle this issue?

I started focusing my attention toward Cece mainly, if I'm being honest.

I don't know first hand how boys deal with bullying. But I do know first hand what it's like to experience it as a girl.

Of course I will talk to both my kids if when they come to me and want advise or support, but I'm mainly gonna focus on Cece for this specific issue for now.

Toby is also gonna have to start thinking about how he will react when the kids (especially Leo) come to him with the same issues. (Toby.... get thinking... it WILL happen. And when it does, we have to be prepared!! We can't go into this blind! We've got to have a plan! We've got to have a goal! )

WHAT WILL I SAY TO THEM ABOUT.....

BULLYING
Gosh.... this is gonna SUCK.

The day Cece comes to me, crying, saying that the kids at school are being mean to her or saying things to her that are not true or calling her names or not inviting her to the birthday party or not including her in conversations at the lunch table or spreading rumors about her...,.. my heart will break. I promise. Especially if she cries.. cause she will.... cause she is tenderhearted.

I'll first hug her.... hard. And kiss her cheek and tell her how much I love her. I'll say that "this too shall pass" and "it will get better". I will promise her this, because I know this.

Next, I will look at her... in her beautiful, sometimes blue, sometimes green eyes, and tell her that.....

I WANT NAMES!

I want specific names of the bastards that are talking smack and I will kick their asses. That's right... KICK. THEIR. ASSES.

Ok... maybe not. The above will  be what I will be thinking.  It will be what I will want to do, but know I can't.

That wouldn't be setting a good example, now would it?

I guess what I would start off wit, h is to ask her what exactly is going on. Get all the details. What did they say/do? Why do you think they are saying that? Where did this information come from?  When did you hear it/ when did it happen?

Next, I may ask her how is makes her feel. Really feel. Mad? Sad? Betrayed? Disappointed? Surprised? Small? Weak? Unimportant?

Another thing that I will be sure that I ask her.... in the nicest way possible.... is

"Do you think you have done ANYTHING (anything at all)  that would have slightly caused this to be done/said toward or about you?"

I am in NO WAY saying that whatever was said or done was earned, necessary, or deserved. And I will be sure to emphasize that when I ask her this question.

But I feel it is important to be aware of your own actions, your tone, your attitude, and your body language and how others may precieve them.

Is there a small chance that maybe you said something that could have been taken the wrong way?

Is there a small chance that maybe you did something that may have been offensive? Even if you did not intend it to be.

Usually, if you are working with a legit "bully", there will be no reason for any of the asshole-ish behavior. That's the beauty of bullies. They need no reason.

But sometimes...... something you may consider to be "bulling" could just be a reaction to something that you did or said that was miscommunicated or misinterpreted.

This part of the conversation will just remind her that she always needs to be aware of what she's putting out there for others to hear, see, and assume. Don't focus on what people think so much... just be aware of how it looks from an outsider.

My last and final approach will be my parental advise or my suggested solution...depending on the situation. I will comfort her, reassure her, build her up and tell her.....

"They are jealous".

 I'll talk to her about jealous people... why they are jealous and how being jealous can eat someone up inside and cause them to do mean and ugly things.... because THEY are unhappy. Because THEY are missing something in their life that they wish they had.

 I will tell her that feeling jealous is one of the worst feelings in the world and what she should do is pray for them.

Pray that God helps them achieve whatever it is that is making them jealous.

Ask God to spend a little extra time on them and help get rid of the green monster within them.

Look at them with  grace and smile at them..... smile because you feel sorry for them.

And remember that no matter what it is that they are saying to you or about you..... its not  really about you at all . Its all about them and their feelings about themselves.

I'll also may tell her to......

 "Kill them with Kindness".

This is advise my mom has given me for as long as I can remember.

 I've used it.

 It works.

I still use it today.

It still is working.

When people are being...... assholes.... just be as nice as you can to them. Not only will it confuse the hell outta them, but the hope is that it will make them feel like a complete dirtbag for being mean in the first place. Get it? 


Anyway... some people have a hard time doing this. Maybe its because they are too hard headed or too defensive or too strong willed. And not that there is anything wrong with that.  Some people may refer to this as "ass kissing". But if you are woman enough to take what is being said, swallow it, look past it, smile, and continue to be your sweet self that you know you are......that says a lot about you and your character.

"Ass kissing" is different. Usually "ass kissers" try too hard and are usually looking for something in return. They are usually pretending to be someone they are not.

"Killing assholes people with kindness" is basically telling them that you are not going to let their negativity, harshness, rudeness, and judgmental comments/statements affect you. You know who you are. You know what is true and not true. Let it go and don't hold it against them. They don't know any better anyway.  ("Bless their heart")

Continue being yourself. Continue to be kind, respectful, polite, and show grace.

 I'm not inferring that you be their BFF and invite them places and do things for them and share your lunch with them and start up conversations with them or even make an effort to be their friend.

But you can still be nice.

There is a quote that says, "Live in such a way that if someone talked bad about you, no one would believe it." I would tell her to try her best to make that statement true. Throw kindness everywhere you go and no one will have a reason to be a jerk to you.

If none of the above seem like good solutions to the specific problem she is upset about, I will tell her this:

"Try your best to rise above it."

Hold your head up high.

Learn from it.

Put your chin up, but don't believe it.

Stay true to yourself and who you are and defend yourself if necessary. Verbally and physically.

Speaking of self-defense..... Always defend yourself verbally. Always.,

 But, ONLY defend yourself physically if someone put their hands on you FIRST.

 NEVER, never, put your hands on someone. Ever.........  Unless they hurt your first.

That is THE ONLY time you will ever be "allowed" to put your hands on someone else in a negative way.

Don't ever be the first one to throw the first punch, push the first shove, smack the first face, pull the first strand of hair.




And that's it. The rest is up to her.

To summarize, this is my "plan" or my "script" for when this moment happens.

1. Love on her and console her.
2. Get all the facts/details.
3. Ask her how exactly she feels.
4. Ask her if there is a slight chance she may have contributed to this problem.
5. Give a solution.... They are just jealous or kill them with kindness or simply rise above it.
6. Defend yourself.... always verbally; sometimes physically.

I hope I am prepared for this day.

I probably wont be.

But I guess thinking about it in advance can't hurt.

Someone Once Told Me....

Every situation has a phrase.

A phrase that I think about that helps put things in perspective.

Maybe it was something I learned from my mother when I was growing up.

Maybe it was something I was told by someone else.

Maybe it's something I read somewhere.

Regardless, these quotes, motto's, sayings, phrases....... they always seem to help me out when I'm  presented with different situations.

Here are a few of my "go-to's"

1. "This too shall pass"

2. "Never work harder than your students"

3. "Its only money"

4. "They wont be little forever"

5.  "Everyone has their own story" or "Everyone is fighting their own battle"

6. 'Treat others the way you want to be treated"

7. "People will forget what you did. People will forget what you said. But they will never forget how you made them feel"

8. "True character is what you do when no one is looking"

9. "We are in no hurry"

10. "Life. You get one"

11. "Actions speak louder than words"

12. "There is no 'I' in team"

13. "Choose your battles"

14. "If you wanna be somebody. If you wanna go somewhere. You gotta wake up and pay attention."

15. "Wanna make God laugh? Tell him your plans."

16. "I can do all things through God, who strengthens me."

17. "Everything happens for a reason"

18. "Life is short."

19. "Your children are always watching"

20. "Don't eat lunch in the teachers lounge"

21. "Kill 'em with kindness"

22. "It is what it is"

23. "Go with your gut"

24. "A mother always knows"

25. "I love you more"

26. "The end is only the beginning. People just don't know it at the time"

27. "Strangers are just family you have yet to meet"

28. "You can do anything for a year"

Mile Marker.

I completed my 3rd half marathon last weekend.

I'm still recovering.

I didn't train.... at all.,... and that is defiantly in the "TOP 3 stupidest things I've ever done in my life" list!

 (the other 2 things involve a tarzan rope, country concert, and a hammer.)

One of the best lessons I learned from completing this half marathon is this:

"Always train for a half marathon."

Profound, I know. 





My body is so pissed at me right now and I don't blame it. I put it through hell and back.

Around mile 9 I started to re-consider even attempting the half marathon..... but then realized that option had already come and gone and here I was out in the middle of a corn field surrounded road, staring at road kill up close and personal.

A rabbit? Maybe.

My left foot started hurting around mile 2, but that was because my sock had scooted  down a bit and the back of my shoe was rubbing against my Akeley's tendon.

I put up with it for a few more miles and then I eventually just stopped dead in my tracks, yanked my sock up, rolled my eyes, and continued on my merry way...... what a waste of 30 seconds.

Sidenote: waiting until mile 5 to pull up my sock was really dumb. Now I've got an annoying broken blister that hurts anytime something touches it. Water, a sock, a shoe, a dog's lick, a toddler's finger, air....  Anyway- it could have been prevented. Moving on...

Other than my sock issue, I felt good. I started off with a 5 min warm up and after that I started into the interval I thought would be an easy, leisurely pace.... 2 minute run, 3 minute walk, 2 minute run, 3 minute walk, 2 minute run, 3 minute walk.... for 13.1 miles.

Let me back up and talk about my 5 minute warm up just for a second...

 I ALWAYS start with a warm up.

Always.

 It's hard to keep your composure when literally EVERYONE starts off in a dead sprint as soon as the gun fires. It's so dang intimidating! It's almost like the Black Friday rush, but not as bad. Any race that I'm in... 5K, 10K, half marathon..... they always start the same. Everyone bolting and leaving a cloud of dust behind them.

And then there is me.

I take the slow and steady mindset. I like to start out walking.  Yeah, I may be behind in the beginning.... or dead last... but as soon as my warm up is over, I start into my running interval and that's when I breeze past all the others who decided to sprint the first 1/2 mile.

Suckers.

Anyway, there is always "the guy".

"The guy" at the beginning of EVERY RACE I've ever participated in.

"The guy" who is not running, but is on the outside of the race barriers, watching.

"The guy" who always has a smartass comment. THE EXACT SAME smartass comment everytime.

"The guy" who says this.....

"You're walking already?!?! haha"

I wish you could hear the tone in which I hear "this guy's" voice in my head. You are going to have to be creative and make up one for yourself.

 It reminds me of the looney toon character that says, "Duhhhhhh which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?"














Dumbass.

Eventually, I started hurting. I felt good stamina wise, but my legs started getting stiff and my muscles started tightening up. At mile 9.

So, long story short, after the pain set in and I finally came to the conclusion that I should have trained..... I just tried my best to stay on my interval and "just keep swimming" as Dorie would say.

There were a few hundred times when a loud, booming curse word would burst into my thought process and interrupt whatever pleasant thought I was trying to have at the time, but aside from that.... I made it through.

How did I manage to make it?

I played a little game.....

Starting at mile marker 9 I needed to take my mind off my misery and I needed to stop thinking about how much worse it was gonna get.... I needed to move away from suicidal thoughts and move more towards something positive.

I told myself that at every mile marker, I was gonna focus my thoughts on (1) thing.

(1) person.

(1) place. 

(1) event,

I was running about a 13 min mile at this point (don't judge), so I promised myself that for the next (4) miles I was gonna focus on only (4) specific topics.


Mile marker 9 topic: DAD

Always an easy topic to think about.

I started recalling memories from the Lake and family beach trips to Daytona . I started to think about how he looked, when he would sit and wait for my mom, sister and I to finish shopping, at the hot dog stand in the Lima Mall reading a book.  How he smelled (eternity for men), the sound of his laugh, how soft his hair always was in the back, how he loved his Dt. Pepsi caffeine free, and the sound of his walk.

I started to think.... "What he would he think if he saw me participating in a half marathon?"

From a Dr.'s point of view, he always hated the sport of running and always said it was "the worst thing someone could do to their body",

but aside from that... I was wondering if he MIGHT be proud of me..... or if he would just laugh at me and shake his head.

While in the middle of mile 9, Allen Jackson and Jimmy Buffett, "Margaritaville", came on Pandora.

My dad loved Jimmy Buffett.

I thought that was cool.

As I  was recalling specific memories of Dad, trying to keep my mind off the constant screaming of profanities that my body was shouting at me, I saw something......

An old man. Heavy set. White hair and glasses. A  big belly with suspenders. A walker.

He was standing all by himself. No other on-lookers around. No other runner's family members around cheering them on. He was literally standing by himself.

As I skated past him, I thought in the back of my mind how he "kinda" resembled Dad. Not exactly... but a little.

The belly.

The glasses.

The walker (Dad had a wheelchair). 

Dad didn't have white hair, but I bet if he was still alive today his hair would be close to all gray.

Then the old man gave me a "thumbs up" sign.

And nooded his head.

And gave me a slight smile.

My dad wasn't a big "thumbs up" guy...... but for some reason I feel that this old man was answering the question that I had running through my head at that time.... "Would Dad be proud of me?"

I think maybe.



Mile marker 10 topic: Memories that always make me LOL

There are those moments that ALWAYS make me start giggling to myself or make me laugh out loud whenever I think about them. These are my "go to" memories always guaranteed to give me a chuckle or full blown burst of laughter!

1. Remembering the time my friend, Katie, rode her bike into a tree.

2. A student saying "shut up, dirtbag" and me telling my sister about how the word
"dirtbag" is so weird and how we laughed so hard for hours!

3. When my mom tried to turn the car around.....in the garage....with the garage doors down. Hilar.

4. When my sister -in-law and I were at TJ Maxx and she was going to buy a new winter coat. She ripped the tags off and couldn't wait to put it on! She did all this BEFORE the cashier told her that her debit card was not working....and she had to take the coat off and hand it back. I died. So funny.

5. That United Healthcare commercial where the couple is dancing to "The Time of my Life" from Dirty Dancing. Watch it HERE if you haven't seen it. You will die.

6. When Toby and I were lost in SC and were looking at an OHIO map for about 15 minutes to try to find our way around.

7. When my mom accidently took the gas pedal for the break and  took us for a .4 second joy ride, darting down the driveway, going from 0 to 20mph,  finally coming to a jerking hault. I'll never forget the look on her face, the look on my sister's face as she watched us pull a Jeff Gordan type maneuver in the driveway, and how hard mom and I laughed. Oh, and the black tire marks on the driveway, evidence of a near death experience.

8. When my friend, Angie, referred to my friend, Jayme's, vagina as "bat wings".

9. When my college roommate, Melanie, and I were honestly terrified when a giant cricket was walking across our family room carpet. I can still see her perched atop the couch with a pillow above her head and I can still feel the unbalance that I experienced while trying to stand on both arms of a rocking recliner.

10. When my friend, Maria, tried to kick her leg up in the air in order to get a small stretch in, while running in a half marathon. Her leg went about 3 millimeters in the air.

11. When my friend, Laurie, was running on the beach at night, trying to catch up with me and a few other girls, and face planted in the sand.

12. When I fell off my sister's bunk bed ladder in her dorm room and (almost) became paralyzed. (ok... twisted my ankle, but it hurt like a mother!)

13. When my mom said the word "Wombat"

14. When my 8th grade students were were all silent reading and the room was waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too quiet and in a moment of insanity I screamed at the top of my lungs, "OHMYGOD! IT'S GEORGE CLOONEY!!"  Their reaction = priceless.

15. The vision of my friend, Kerri, holding an umbrella that had been blown inside out, in the middle of a rainstorm,  in Magic Kingdom.

16. The story my friend, Kris, told at lunch one day about how she was taking her son for a stroller ride and it suddenly started to down pour, so she hauled ass, pushing the stroller home, as fast as she could.... until she hit a crack in the sidewalk. The speeding stroller came to an abrupt stop, flipping over, catapulting her son, and landing upside down. Then her son said, "Mom!! I'm stuck!"

17. The night I waxed Toby's back with an at-home wax kit.

18. The night I attempted to use (of all things) nail polish remover to remove excess wax from Toby's back from an at-home wax kit.

19. When we were at my aunts house for a lunch, right after my Dad had died, and my sister's paper plate broke in half and all her food slopped to the floor. After all we had been through with Dad's death.... she whimpered a little bit, almost broke down crying, and instead we broke out in hilarious laughter.

Mile marker 11 topic: My mother-in-law

I initially was going to think about  about Leo and Cece waiting for me at the finish line for this mile. I am always sooooo excited to see them whenever I finish a race. The excitement they show could put a smile on Wilford Brimley's face.

But then my mind started to wander to how it was even possible that Leo and Cece were there, at the finish line, to see me finish.  How they got there.....

It's because of my mother-in-law.

Becky.

She makes sure that my kids are waiting for me at the finish line.

She also makes sure that she is waiting for me at the finish line.

She wouldn't miss it. This I know. Even if we didn't have kids..... I am confidant that she would still be there... waiting at the finish line..... arms flailing on the air so I can pick her out of the crowd..... waiting to hug me even though I smell terrible. (I swear I put on deodorant!)

She's amazing. I have never been more honest when I say, "I don't know what I'd do without her".  The help she gives me with the kids, laundry, housework, dinner....  is all unbelievable, so much appreciated, and done out of the kindness of her heart (and her slight obsession with cleaning :) )

But besides that, she has become one of my best friends.

We eat dinner together, we shop together, we vacation together.

Whenever I want to do something I know that she will be my side-kick.

 Shop, eat, see a movie, take the kids to the zoo, try a new diet, experiment with new foods, make green smoothies, a Pintrest craft, make up a new  hip-hop dance to "Pump Up The Jam" in the middle of the living room... whatever it may be, I know Becky will always join me.

She supports me when I need it most, listens to me when I vent or ask questions, laughs with me at stupid things people do, and cries with me on the rare occasion when my anti-depressants allow me to show any type of emotion.

She was my business partner when I started my jewelry business. She watched and listened to me rehearse my "show" over and over again.

She even went with me to my first few shows to help me set up and simply because I asked her to.

She is never sick. Never tired. Never unwilling.

 She lets Leo and Cece call her "moe moe" even though she hates that title.

She (without a doubt) will wash every single item of dirty cloths in my house ANYTIME she is present. NEVER is my hamper full when I get home after Becky has been at my house.

The kids toy room is always picked up and organized and the basement is too. Why? Not because I keep up with it. Because of Becky.

She helped me plant my first garden.

She helped me get started subbing for Mercer Co. Schools when we first moved back to Celina.

She helped find Leo and Cece their daycare.

And she introduced me to making mashed sweet potatoes in the microwave. (she knew people... "wink and gun" )

 I love her.  I rely on her. I need her. 

What a blessing she is.  And how lucky am I?

Mile marker 12 and 13 (both kinda a blur) topic: My reward

At this point my body hated me. I was being called every name in the book and I deserved every one.

Who runs 13 miles.....suddenly?

Without practice.

Without preparation.

 Without the proper mindset.

Me. I do. This jughead.

What was I thinking?!?!

My calves were both on the verge of exploding into Charlie horses. My back was stiff. I had blisters forming on the bottom of my toes that I could feel with every step. My armpits were beginning to burn from the constant pumping of my arms against my sports bra. My hands were so swollen and my wedding ring was tight.

What got me through? What kept my spirits up and wouldn't allow me to decide not to fake passing out in order to get a ride up to the finish line?

A cold beer.

A Miller Light.

That was what I was thinking about.

Toby, the kids, and I were going to a get together later that evening at a friends house. A "post marathon" celebration. I was really looking forward to it for many reasons. It was the first time in a long time that Toby was able to join the kids and I in anything remotely fun. It was also the first time in a long time Toby and I were able to hang out together. I was anxious to hear how everyone did in the race and I was excited to meet new people that I knew would be there. There was also going to be pizza.

I contemplated if I wanted to drink Miller Light, wine, summer shanty, or straight rubbing alcohol.

Wine would normally be my drink of choice......cabernet savington blanc..... but at this moment, drinking a dry, blood colored, warm drink was not what I desired.

I'm normally not a beer person, but this time was different. I wasn't in my right mind.

So I endured. I continued on. I focused and concentrated on each step, I kept my feet moving because  God forbid I stop (even for a second) I guarantee I wont be able to pick my feet up again.

I found it ironic that at this point I was running past a cemetery..... .

As I approached the finish line, the cold Miller Light was still on my mind.... until I saw them.

Moe-Moe
Leo
Cece

Standing there off to the left, waiting.

I immediately started flailing my arms and soon Moe-Moe returned the wave.

She got the kids attention, bent down and pointed toward me, and then I heard their squeals!

MOMMY!!!!

Cece so excited, her voice belting out  the high pitched scream only Cece can produce.

They both came running toward me as fast as their toddler legs could go, Leo zipping past Cece, almost knocking her over, and seconds away from starting a fight....... and continued to run along side me until I crossed the finish line.

Finally. I could stop.

 I felt 4 little hands wrap around my legs.

 Leo asked me "Mommy, Did you win?"


To which I replied, "YES! I WON!"

and later that night, that beer tasted really good.

1/2 Marathon #3.

I'm participating in my 3rd Half Marathon on Saturday.

The Grand Lake Marathon, which is held in Celina.

I participated in this race last year and loved it! It was a beautiful course and the time of the year is perfect! What I loved the most about this race was that at every mile, there were "cheer groups". Local business could purchase a mile marker and set up a station to help cheer on the participants! I loved it! Every mile I was looking forward to seeing what business would be there! It kept things exciting! From what I remember from last year, my favorite cheer stations were St. John Lutheran Church and Wright Stale Lake Campus.  I also remember that there was a band playing once I got to the park in St. Marys. It wasn't your normal marching band. It was more hip hop and had awesome beats. It was so cool!

I'm excited for tomorrow! The race starts at 7:30am, so I'll prolly show up around 7am.

This is the 1st time that I am participating in a race where I am NOT prepared at all.

 I didn't train for this one.

At all.

The other 2 half's that I have been in, I trained (hard) for months to prepare for. This one, I just couldn't  find the energy, time, interest, and drive. I don't know why, but it just "wasn't in me" this time.

Then why am I doing it? Why did I even register?

Because I know me.

I know, for a fact, that if I didn't participate, on the day of the race I would be wishing SO BAD that I was part of it. I would have been soooooo regretful for not signing up. I would have been really hard on myself and beat myself up about it. I KNOW I would have done this.

Its an awesome feeling when you know yourself really well. I am so proud of me for listening to my gut and signing up for the half marathon, even though I knew I wasn't going to be prepared.

So what's my plan?

Do my best.

As of now, I am planning on starting out with a very easy interval. Something that's not gonna kill me or set me up for failure right in the beginning.

I'm thinking maybe 2 min run, 5 min walk for the first few miles.... maybe bumping it up later, but maybe not. There is a possibility that even the easy interval may kill me, so if that's the case, my ass will be walking, and I'm totally OK with that. 

I'm seriously just so happy to be a participant. and I will NEVER have a goal of "running the entire time". I KNOW I could never do that. My body would never let me, I promise that. I know myself well enough. I have no desire to EVER run more than 3 miles straight at a time. Just to be clear.

I'm hoping I can finish in under 3 hours. If I finish in 2 hrs. and 59 minutes, I'll be happy!

If I would have trained for this like I had originally planned, my goal time would maybe be to finish in under 2hr. 45 min.


I finished my 1st race in almost 4 hours.

My second I set a goal to finish under 3 hrs and 30 min. and I ended up finishing in 2 hrs and 57 min!
That was a proud moment!

My third race I'm gonna keep my goal the same it was last year... under 3 hrs and 30 min. 

As long as I reach it, I'm good with that!

If I go over 3hrs 30 min, (which is a huge possibility),  I wont be devastated. I'll still be proud of myself... but I know I can do better and (hopefully) not reaching my goal will push me to train harder next year!

Every half marathon I have done so far, I have gotten myself a little "diddy" (as my friend, Jo, would call it)  as a  reward.

This is my "diddy".


Every race I do (half marathons only) I add a washer with the date.

I'm still shocked that this will be my 3rd. I never thought Id ever do anything like this. Go me!

The History of My Heart.

Dear Cece,

When you experience your very first heartbreak, I want you to read this.

I love you!

Love, Mom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever had your heart broken?

If not, you suck.

But also if not, then I kinda feel sorry for you.

I feel sorry for you because you have not experienced something that, I think, is essential to experience in a lifetime.

I've had my heart broken (3) times (so far)  in my 35 years on this green earth.

(3) times too many, if you ask me.

 But, I guess (3) is better than 15.

 I would have settled for (1) good, firm heartbreak. I mean, I could have learned and grew from just (1)... I really didn't need the 2nd (2) to happen......but they did and I coped.

Anyway... I remember those heartbreaks like they happened yesterday.

The feeling of having a broken heart can't be explained, but I'm gonna try my best to put it into words......my words.

Heartbreak is different for everyone.

I look at Cece and I am anxious for her to feel her 1st heartbreak. I'm dreading it because it's gonna hurt her. I'm also a little excited for her because I think that once she recovers from that heartbreak, she will be a different woman. She will be stronger, more compassionate, wiser, more confident, and she will carry this heartbreak with her for the rest of her life, like a medal she has  earned.

I can't speak for Leo. I have no idea what heartbreak is for a man. I only know what it's like for a woman and I GUARENTEE it's different. But I will tell him this: be very careful with a girls heart. If you break it, do it gently and not hatefully. She will eventually get over it, but it may take her awhile and you can't hate her for that. Try your best to understand even if you don't and say your sorry 100 times............ and don't be an asshole.

My 1st heartbreak.
I was 18.

His name was Matt.

I was a freshman in college and so was he.

I remember the day we met... he was going back and forth from a car, unloading stuff into his dorm room.

I was walking with my roommate, Krista.

We ran into each other and both of us knew the other looked familiar.

I knew I had seen him before and I could tell he thought the same.

We both said "hi" and I THINK we may have swapped numbers or he may have invited us over to his dorm later or something..... because from that moment on we were always together.

I loved him. I really did. He was so cute, he had great hands (I have a "thing" with a man's hands) , and I just really liked his face.

We were from around the same area and knew a lot of the same people.

We had the same interests... we both liked to party and be social, we both liked movies, and we both liked.......... well, that may have been it. I was 18, remember?

We "went out" for a 2 years.  That was the longest relationship I had ever been in.

In those couple of years, I think we broke up a time or two.

I remember a lot about those (2) years that I spend loving Matt.....

 I remember the people we hung out with, I remember movies we saw together, I remember him meeting my family (my mom made Wild Rice soup for dinner and he didn't like it, but tried his best to eat some to be polite).

 I remember my dad shaking his hand (and Matt told me later that is REALLY hurt), I remember where he lived (a dorm room, the 2nd floor of a house with (1) roommate, and another bigger house on College St. with (2? 3?) other guys.

 I remember gifts we got each other (I remember that our first Christmas together he bought me like (5) sweaters and he was the first boy to buy me "nice" jewelry....... a pair of gold earrings).

I remember how I felt with Matt. He made me happy. I wanted to be with and around him all the time.

I remember that my heartbreak over Matt took me a long time to get over.

A really long time.

We ended up breaking up for good my junior year of college.

 He completed his Freshman year at U of F, but then joined the Army. We lasted through his basic training and (maybe?) about a year after that, but it eventually ended bad.

There were a lot of sad moments (on my part) that I remember with Matt.

 I remember he was the first boy who I ever REALLY cried over.

 I remember my Dad comforting me when I was crying over him.

 I remember that he was the first boy to cheat on me and I remember "the night" I found out.

I remember the shock, hurt, disappointment, anger, and stupidity that I felt.

He cheated on me with a girl named Jamie.

Honestly, after that.... I really don't remember much more about our relationship.

Our last "official" break up was at a dance club in Findlay; Brandy's.

I remember being with my roommate Melanie and my friends Cory and Aaron.

 I remember how I worn my hair.... I had one of those elastic bands that had fake hair on it and I used it to wrap around my real hair. I remember I worn a "messy bun" and I specifically remember that I was having a good hair day.

 I clearly remember that.

Isn't it weird the things our brains zero in on?!?!

I remember knowing Matt was going to be there that night and I remember trying to pretend that I didn't care.

 I remember dancing with some random guy specifically to make Matt jealous. I have no idea if it worked.

 I remember this night was also the first night I ever got punched in the face.

Not by Matt.

By a girl named Roni.

She was a "friend" of Matt's and I guess she hit me because she was defending (protecting?) him.

 I remember Matt and I were yelling at each other, over what I have no idea, and I remember starting to cry and putting my hand over his face and digging my fingernails into his skin.

 That is when I got hit in the eye from the side.

After that.... we went home and I don't think I ever cried so hard and I remember Melanie telling me to pray.

  I had a black eye the next morning and I remember when I had to explain it to my mom and how mad at me she was.

After that, Matt left for Hawaii and I didn't see him again for about 2? 3? years.

He came home to visit his family for Christmas. We somehow got in touch with one another through email. He was going to come over to catch up.

 I will NEVER forget the butterflies in my stomach that night.

He came over. We sat on my couch. I remember my roommate and I were in the middle of moving, so all our stuff was boxed up. We talked and drank. We went to Kroger at some point and got more beer and I remember the cashier questioning his military ID.

We went back to my apartment. I remember he kissed me.

Out of nowhere.

 I think I was in the middle of a sentence.

I remember tears running down my face as soon as he did this.

 I wasn't happy that he kissed me. I wasn't excited that he kissed me. I was sad... because I knew that this kiss meant sooooo many things.

 It meant "I'm sorry".

It meant "I miss you".

 It meant "I really did love you".

 It meant "goodbye".

After that, he left while I was in the bathroom getting my composer.

He went to a house party at a friends. He said he was going to come back.... and he did, but I was asleep.

 He promised to call me the next day and take me to dinner.

He never did.

 I think I called his house 100 times that day, looking like a total psycho. I remember realizing at that point.... it was really over.

I never talked or saw him again.



I did kinda communicate with him one more time, but not directly.

His roommate from our freshman year committed suicide and I sent his mom his obituary and asked that she tell Matt what happened.

Years later.... like probably 6 or 7 years..... I was at country concert.

 I ran into an old friend of Matt's.

 I didn't want to look crazy and psycho, but I was really curious about what Matt was up to.

 I very casually asked this old friend..... "Hey, whatever happened to Matt?"

This friend told me he was married.

My heart dropped, I totally pretended to be surprised and acted happy.

It hurt knowing that.

It took a long time to "get over" Matt.

 I dated other people and they never really match up to him. One guy I dated said to me once during a fight we were having, "You are so still in love with him!"

 He was referring to Matt.

He was right.

 I remember many nights crying over Matt... while we dated and after. I remember the feeling of ache in my heart sucked, and the moment it went away, it finally felt like a weight was lifted off my chest.

That moment was when I met J.T.

My 2nd Heartbreak.
I was 23.

I remember meeting him when Lindsey and I went out and he came along.

He was friends with Lindsey's boyfriend and I think we were going to a party in Columbus.

 I remember knowing ahead of time that he was coming and that he "liked" me.

I was dating someone else at the time and I honestly wasn't interested.

Well, that relationship ended and I remember the moment when I decided to give J.T. a call.

I left him a message and I left my first and last name and remember saying.... "I don't know if you remember me or not...".

I went home to Ottawa that night and that's when J.T. returned my call.

I remember sitting on the floor, in the family room of the house I grew up in, and seeing an unknown number light up my phone screen neon green.

I knew it was him.

I remember being very confident. I knew he liked me. I knew this would go well.

I wasn't REALLY interested in him, but I didn't want to be single and I thought he was cute.

 I remember him laughing at the message I left him, because I left my last name and asked "if he remembered me".

 He said, "Of course I remember you!" and immediately asked me out on a date.

I remember him telling me how excited he was when he got my message and I remember that making me feel amazing.

J.T. and I didn't date long. Almost a year I think. I fell in love with him quick.

We had fun together.

 He was a teacher and I was working at JCP. I still couldn't pass that effin PRAXIS test, so I wasn't able to teach that year. I think that bothered him that I didn't have a "real job".

I met his parents and he met mine.

Actually, he only met my Mom. My dad died the year I started dating J.T..

J.T. was with me and my family on the 1st Christmas morning without Dad.

 It was so hard and we all sobbed.

 I think know that J.T. felt uncomfortable, but did his best to try to comfort me and I loved him for that.

He was a basketball coach and I liked that. I was a sucker for basketball boys. Always have been.

 Being a coaches girlfriend sucked. He was never able to do things on the weekends and if the team ever lost (which they did a lot) he was always grumpy.

 I remember taking pictures of all the basketball players on his team and making Christmas ornaments for each of them. It took forever, but I felt so proud to do it.

I remember J.T. got me a waffle maker for my 24th birthday. I still have it.

The way J.T. and I ended was weird.

 I still don't really know what happened.

 I THINK it may have been because I got really sick once and (honestly) I think it turned him off. Which is kinda funny, looking back on it.

We went to GA for my cousins wedding and I got food poisoning (from pizza I think). I was pretty grossly sick (barfing and pooping) for 2 straight days. I must have not been attractive to him during those 2 days..... so unattractive that he broke up with me a few days later.

It was a shock when we broke up and I was defiantly heartbroken. It felt extremely similar to what I went through with Matt. I remember begging him not to do this.

 I remember saying that "I don't want to go through this again!", "I can't go through this again!".

 It was like crawling back to hell after finally escaping.

 I remember that this was the first time I had cried over a man since Matt, and I remember my mom hugging me and holding me so tight the night the break-up happened. My mom and I had never really been that affectionate with one another, so this was a big deal to me.

 I drove home to Ottawa (10pm?), burst through the front door, and directly into my mom's open arms. I stood there and sobbed for about 10 minutes. My mom's friend, Deb, was over visiting at the time, and I remember her quietly putting her hand on my shoulder, softly walking around mom and I, and slipping out the front door.

J.T. had never had his heart broken before, so he had no idea why I was so upset. It was easy for him to walk away. He started dating someone shortly after me.

It was not easy for me to walk away. It was hard for me to move on after that break-up and it was 75% of the reason I moved to SC a few months later.

  That heartbreak took awhile to get over as well. I lost a lot of weight because of it......

which was A-MAZ-BALLS!

I remember running into J.T. at Country Concert that summer. I had lost about 15 lbs and had THE BEST abs I've ever had in my life! I was wearing a bikini top and jean shorts. It felt good to see him there, mainly because I looked so smokin' hot!

 We talked for about 7 seconds and he mentioned that he heard I was moving to South Carolina in a few days. I told him I was going to be teaching 7th and 8th grade creative writing and I remember him laughing, making fun of that.

I came back with a snarky comment about him teaching "gym" and he shut up.

That was the last time I ever saw him.




Running into J.T. at country concert was a breeze for me....... because this was the day I also met the man I would eventually marry.

I had met Toby about an hour prior to running into J.T.

When I first laid eyes on Toby I was attracted to him. He was a doll! A Brad Pitt/Leonardo DeCaprieo look-alike, with a great tan, and awesome abs! I had no problem running around with Toby that day/night and running into an ex-boyfriend was icing on the cake.

Bless THAT broken road!


My 3rd Heartbreak happened in between my break-up with Matt and before I met J.T.

When My dad died, my heart shattered again.... but this heartbreak felt different than the others.



 This heartbreak I knew was never going to go away.

 I knew that the feeling of "missing" my dad would be here forever.

Time was not going to heal this break, like it did the others.

This one felt like a hole. A never ending hole. It was deep, black, and my stomach constantly had the feeling that I was doing downhill in a roller costar.

There is not a lot to say about this heart break, cause it's still here.

 It's not healed yet and probably never will be. But, I've learned to live with it.

 Its like a wound that you have top keep an eye on.

 I've got to take care of it.... keep it clean and bandaged. Sometimes it feels fine, shows no sign of infection, isn't red or sore. But, then there are other times where it flares up and I need some extra antibiotics on it.

 It's a funny wound, but I'm used to it and I know it won't kill me.

At times it hurts really bad, and I think it just might kill me.... but it hasn't yet.

So, for now I'll keep an eye on it and watch it for signs of infection.






As nuts as it sounds, I am very grateful for these (3) heartbreaks.

 I have been made who I am because of them.

If these had never happened to me, I wouldn't be who I am now. I became so strong, more confident, a little guarded (but I think that's good), and more compassionate.

I loved and lost and loved again and lost again and loved again.

One thing I know for sure..... My heart may be broken again several more times throughout the remainder of my life. And I'm gonna have to deal with those when they come. But, I guarantee that they will not dealt with alone. Toby Rolfes will never break my heart.... this I know. So at least dealing with another break-up will never be something I  ever have to heal from again.


 

Sidenote:

Matt is married now to a beautiful girl. They live in VA and he has 2 adorable kids. I'm happy for him and he has a great career with the military. He's a big part of my college life and contributed to who I am today. I could never hate him. There were time when I did, but not anymore.

J.T. is also married. He has a son and still coaches HS basketball.

My dad is still dead. lol.