Ever wish you could forget? (By: Jessica)

May 25th will mark the 7 year anniversary that my Dad has been gone.

Sometimes it seems like 7 days.

or 700 years.

or 7 hours.

The last time I wrote a blog about my dad, it was a list of my all-time favorite memories of him. Memories that I wanted to document, for fear that I might forget some of them over time. Memories that bring nothing but a smile to my face!

Well, this blog is the exact opposite.

There are memories that I have of him that I wish I could forget. Memories I have embedded in my brain about his last few years/months/weeks/days/hours with me and my family.

(remember...my soul purpose of writing this blog if for one person and one person only....ME. If you don't feel comfortable reading about this type of stuff....don't. if it's too deep for you....that's fine. Log off. This blog is my own, personal, online diary....that just doesn't have a lock.)

I guess it's kinda weird to say that the following memories are ones that I wish I could forget, cause if I want to forget them, then why am I jotting them all down? Good question. I don't have an answer.

1. I remember his puffiness. My dad suffered from liver disease. (cirrhosis to be exact) This disease causes the body to retain fluid. A lot of fluid. Dad mainly retained it in his belly and every now and then had to go "get drained". He would leave for work looking somewhat normal and return home looking like he had gained 50 lbs. Scary. Yet, we still tried to find humor in it at times.

2. I'll never forget when "the secret was out" that Dad was sick. For months my sister and I knew something was up, but there wasn't any serious talk about it. Then suddenly there was. And no one really knew what to say. So we really didn't say anything.

3. I'll never forget his last meal, though at the time nobody (except maybe dad) thought it would be his last. One he didn't keep down for long. He wanted Chinese food. His fav. I remember his sitting at the counter in our kitchen, watching TV and eating. (and of course, enjoying it cause he loved good food!) But, when he was done, I remember his asking me for a bucket. I was confused at first and didn't know immediately where a bucket was, so I grabbed a big mixing bowl. I brought it to him and he set it in front of him and he started throwing up. I remember feeling scared. and sad. and confused. and helpless. I mean..... I have a strong stomach. Vomit doesn't bother me at all. I had been a GREAT friend to may of my girlfriends (Lindsey) after some late night parties. I am a great "hair holder". But this was different. How many of you had ever watched/helped your own father throw up? Yeah.....me either. All I knew to do was rub his back and whisper "it's OK". So that's what I did. I just stood there, behind him and listened to him throw up, while tears rolled down my face. When he was done, I took the bowl, cleaned it up, got him a wet washcloth, and ran to my room to cry. Wow...that's something I wish I could forget.

4. I'll never forget how tired he was. Or how much weight he lost. Or how yellow his skin and eyes became. It happened over time and I think we all got used to it. I remember never really noticing it until people who hadn't seen Dad in a long time would react to him and then it would hit me how much he had changed. One time an older patient of his told him how "tan" and wonderful he looked!! (she had no idea he was sick) Dad just smiled and said, "why thank you.". I remember, a few months after he had died, looking at a picture of him at Christmas and thinking, "Oh my goodness. He looks bad."

5. I'll never forget how Dad NEVER complained. Not once. He lost a lot while he was sick, including the ability to walk. Before he died, I hadn't seen him walk in a couple years. Now, I'm sure he had many breakdowns and venting moments in the privet, but I never once witnessed anything of the sort. In fact, he worked the week before he died. I'm pretty sure a smile was on his face more than a frown during this time.

6. I remember the evening Dad told me he had colon cancer. This was the "cherry on top" along with his liver disease. My mom and sister already knew about the tumor that was found on his colon and I was the last to find out. (typical. lol) I had came home from Findlay (where I lived) to eat dinner with the fam. We were all sitting in the kitchen. My dad, sister and I all at the counter and my mom sitting on the other side of the counter. I think we were done eating when I suddenly noticed everyone starring at me. Then Dad said, "Well, they seemed to have found a tumor on my colon". I looked at him. Then mom. Then Jill. The I looked back at him and said, "well.... then I guess they are just going to have to remove it." Dad smiled at me and said, "yep." And I smiled back.

7. My dad was scheduled to go to OSU James Cancer Center to have his colon cancer removed. It was a risky surgery cause his liver was in such bad shape and the docs didn't know how his body would be able to handle the drugs. My grandparents (dad's father and step-mom) came all the way from Arizona to be with us during the surgery. I will never forget the look on my grandpa's face when he saw my dad. It is important to know that my grandpa had not seen my dad since he had gotten sick. (4 years??) My dad was not one to dwell on his sickness and whenever they talked over the phone, I think dad sugar-coated his illness...........a lot. My grandparents had no idea what my dad had been going through. No idea how sick he really was. My grandpa's face totally dropped and I swear I could see the blood drain right out of him. it was a defining moment for all of us. I think I remember my grandpa saying something along the line of..."I didn't know he was this bad". All we could do was just nod.

8. I'll never forget the "park-n-ride". This was the shuttle service we took everyday from our hotel in Columbus to the James Cancer Center. I don't know why this stands out to me, but it does.

9. Waiting for Dad's surgery to be over was........boring. Really boring. I found a love (obsession?) with word finds. I did them constantly. I hate them now. When his surgery was over I remember being so relieved! We went back in recovery to see him and he was all smiles! He said (3) things. He asked about our dog (Josie), said he was thirsty, and that he loved us. We couldn't stay long, so we all kissed him and told him we'd see him in the morning. I remember being so........happy! So happy that it was over and it was a success and dad seemed to be OK! We all felt that way! My mom. sister, and (2) aunts all went out to eat the night and then back to our hotel. We got up early the next morning, all in great spirits, and headed to the hospital to see dad. When we got there...................... the nurses told us something. Dad had slipped into a coma overnight. I remember thinking......"crap". And my heart sank.

10. I will NEVER forget the smell of the ICU where dad was. Horrible. Like dead bodies. My clothes and hair eventually started to smell like that room. For months, whenever I thought about the smell, I would gag. I think I even whispered in dad's ear once that...."it stinks in here". I threw away 2 sweatshirts cause no matter how many times they were washed, I couldn't get that smell out.

11. I found a secret in that hospital during our stint there. The secret to fast elevators. Hit the "up arrow" button two times in a row, really fast. tap tap. and BAM... the doors would immediately open. No waiting. Magic, I tell ya.

12. I remember right before they wheeled my dad to surgery.....before all the coma crap...... I was teary. Not full blown crying, just a little lip quivering and watery eyes. We were all standing in the hallway and the nurses were getting dad's bed wheeled out of his room and off to the OR. I stole a look at dad, as his bed wheeled past us. His eyes met mine and he winked at me. That memory right there is one of the good ones. I'll keep that one.

13. Erin Miles. This girl will forever be a memory of this time in my life. Erin is a great friend of mine. We used to work together. She lives in Washington DC now and I miss her tons. She will always hold a special place in my heart. She rode with me to Columbus to visit my dad......the day he died. Neither one of us was expecting this....obviously. Dad had been in a coma for a few weeks and I was driving back and forth everyday from Findlay to Columbus. My mom callled me at work that day and told me to "have someone ride with you ". I didn't want to, but she made me. I went over to Erin's classroom where she was teaching and asked her if she would ride with me. She, being the great friend she was, said "sure". I wish to God that my mom had not made me bring a friend that day. I know her intentions were good, but damn. My mom and sister knew that Dad was gonna pass away that evening. They were planning to turn off dad's machines. He wasn't going to get any better. he wasn't going to wake up. His kidney's were shutting down. It was over. But, they wanted to wait til I got off work and could be there. My mom was concerned that I wouldn't be able to drive back alone due to the emotions that were about to occur, so that's why she insisted that I bring a friend. Bless her heart. When we got to the waiting room, we both (Erin and I) were in good moods. But that soon ended. My mom told me in the waiting room what was about to happen and that I could go in and say my "good-byes". I was so dumbfounded that all I could think about was how sorry I felt for Erin. (I know....weird, huh?) But I did. I felt so bad that she had to be here for this. I knew she felt uncomfortable.....being with a family she barely knows, at one of the most emotional times in a persons life. I felt terrible for her. How awkward she must have felt.


14. Whenever we would visit dad, I would hold his hand. One time he squeezed my hand and I about did a back flip, triple lutz right there in the ICU! I was squealing and started to cry tears of joy! I was SO happy! Progress!!! But then this a**hole, man-nurse,buzz kill, informed me that it was only a reflex....that dad didn't do it on purpose. That man-nurse's name was Jim. I'll never forget him. I hated him.

15. My dad loved the Broadway musical CATS. So did I. We brought the CD soundtrack to the hospital along with a headset and let dad listen to it. They say when people are in coma's that they can still hear. We thought it might help him. Or maybe it just helped us. I haven't listened to the soundtrack since.

16. One time during "the coma" dad's left eye began watering. I told the nurse and she said, "oh his eye is not watering......he's crying." I had never felt so sad.

17. My "good-bye" to my dad was.....PATHETIC. I wish soooooooooooo bad I could go back in time and do this differently. I mean, who is prepared for this? I sure as hell wasn't. I was still thinking of my poor friend, Erin, out in the waiting room. God..... I was so stupid. This is what I rambled off.......something along the lines of......"I was so lucky to have YOU as a dad. I love you so much. I will miss you so much. Please don't haunt me. Please visit me in my dreams." That was it. I even left the hospital before the machines were turned off. So dumb. This is BY FAR one of my biggest regrets to this day.

18. I remember coming home to our house in Ottawa later that evening, after Dad was gone. I had to stop in Findlay to my apartment to get a few things, so when I got home all my family had beat me there. I remember getting out of my car, walking to the front porch, and my Aunt Tracey running out the front door, crying, and hugging me so tight. That was the first time I had ever seen her cry. I also remember my Uncle Denny and Uncle Matt removing the wheelchair ramps that we had in the house for dad. I am sure a million more things happened that night at our house.....but those are the two that I remember the most.

19. I remember shortly after dad passed away, his best friend and assistant, died as well. It was so weird and so sad, but I remember being happy that he now had a "buddy" up there with him.

That's it.

The top memories I have of my dad that are not the greatest and (most of them) I wish I could erase from my memory forever.

Or do I?